Have always been 90% I didn't want children, for a whole host of reasons:
- Terrible relationship with my mother, who really struggled with motherhood and has significant mental health issues (as did my maternal grandmother) which I'm completely unwilling to foist on another being
- Feeling totally overwhelmed by the direction the world is heading in - climate change, political unrest, etc
- Terror of losing my independence, identity, and the daily 'drudgery' of motherhood
- Never feeling connected to or drawn toward kids (if there was a baby and a puppy on a bench, I wouldn't even notice the baby)
- Watching my ex-partner's relationship with my stepson and feeling my own issues emerge like a tornado – resentment at the love he received that I never got, my mother's 'voice' in the back of my head taking over despite my better self disagreeing...
- Knowing that having a child with significant disabilities would not be OK with me, and if I'm not willing to take that risk, I shouldn't try
My friends and family know me as the woman who's clear about not wanting a child, and many of them have told me that they respect me for my decision.
But I just turned 37 and have suddenly started feeling a massive sense of loss and wanting the 'family' of my own that I never really had.
My logical self tells me that having a child won't give me that – that there are no guarantees and it's an unacceptable burden to put on a child to expect them to fulfil my unmet needs.
But the feeling has suddenly shown up in a way I've never predicted, and I'm completely sideswiped by it. It's not a biological feeling – I'm not craving the weight of a baby in my arms or suddenly wanting to cuddle or smell every child I see – it's an emotional sensation, of wanting to build a relationship with someone and have that unconditional 'being there' for them throughout their life.
All my reasons for not having children still feel true and real – how do I feel and then process this new sensation that I've never felt before? Especially at 37, when the 'risks' of childbearing are greater than ever?
Mothers, I think I need your perspectives and advice. I'm a bit at a loss!