Worried about his future

[MrsSnape]

I'm really worried about what DS2 will turn out like.

He's always been a handful, right from when he started to walk but he gets worse as he gets older.

He's cheeky, violent, cocky, ignorent, arrogent...I have trouble with him at home when he won't eat what I give him, constantly complains that my food is "crap", he fights with his older brother, wrecks his room, there is writing all over his bedroom door, he won't go to sleep at bedtime and then sneaks downstairs at 4am to go on the xbox (obviously I'm asleep so don't hear him get up). He refuses to get up in a morning often rolling downstairs at gone 8am making us late for school.

This morning we left the house at 8.30 and he stood at the front door and said "i'm not going". I said "of course you are, come on" and he still stood there so deciding not to give him the attention I just carried on walking down the street with DS1 assuming DS2 would follow, I got right to the end of the street and looked back and he was still stood at the front door.

He's naughty at school, cheeks teachers, messes around, laughs in their face if they shout at him, constantly disrupts assembly and walks out smiling when the head sends him out in front of the entire school....his 'ways' make him very popular and the other kids (even the older ones) think he's hilarious and just egg him on...this makes him worse because he LOVES the attention, he loves it when people laugh at him.

On the way home from school he tries to start arguments with older kids, kicks them as they ride past then challenges them to a fight...this once resulted in him being chased down the street by an 11 year old calling him a "tosser" and warning him that he would hit him next time he saw him.

He's 7. He has been under observation for ADHD, I have had a behavioural expert involved who was crap and just told him "father christmas won't come to naughty boys" well duh...I could have said that.

He is out of control. I see him sometimes simulating smoking with lollipop sticks and I picture him as one of these thugs that stand outside shops at 15 smoking and drinking. He even tried to pursuade his friend to steal his mums cigerettes and bring them to school so they could try it.

I repeat, he's 7....not 12, 14 etc....he's 7.

What the hell is he going to be like when he IS 14??

some behavioural expert.....if he's under obs for ADHD, s/he might have said "if you misbehave, it'll snow on neptune" for all he'd care
you don't do deferred gratification if you've got AD(H)D
what's the situation with these obs?
Any chance of medication? Would you consider it?
Not saying it's the be-all and end-all, but it helped me a lot.

Exactly, he doesn't care about anything. Even "i'll take the xbox away and send it to the charity shop" results in him laughing and saying "Ok! you bought it, not me" etc

He has been proven to be intelligent so its not that he's 'daft' etc...

The situation with the obs is pretty much non-existant. The school said they will have him see the ed-psyc but it could be months.

I've tried him with the fish oils but he actually became worse.

I would definately consider medication, not because it would make it easier for me but because it might lower the chances of him being beaten up in the street or run over by a car

fish oils smish oils, i'm afraid
can you afford a private assessment?
also, see if your GP can step in - some (like mine) are pretty anti the while thing, especially for adults, and some will really help out.
i've found that you do have to push consistently for help with this, so try as many avenues as poss, don't rely on the school's ed-psych, as they're overwhelmed at the best of times
it's a funny thing to have...it's a cross between an illness, a chemical imbalance and a learning disability, so try a several-pronged attack to get help - GP, school and private consultant (if you can).
any close family members with symptoms?

It was my GP that reffered us to the useless behavioural team they said they won't start a proper assessment for ADHD or similar until he's older as "alot of 7 year olds play up" - not like this they don't!

No history of it in the family but his father has a bad temper and seemed to really enjoy getting into fights (still does apparantly), he see's his dad once a fortnight but even he keeps telling him off when he hears a bad report and warns him about his future and everything. DS doesn't care (although he doesn't laugh in his dad's face!)

7 should be the age they start assessing
"play up" ha! it sounds like they were hoping he'd grow out of it, so maybe with this behaviour persisting, you'll get some help.

Mrs Snape - what about keeping a diary of what your ds does on a daily basis and showing that to the GP. He really can't get away with 'waiting because he's too young'. All the evidence shows that with these sorts of behavioural disorders that early intervention is key.
Also if you look on your local council website, you should find a thing called 'parent partnerships'. These are parents who have been through dx etc and can really help to show you the ropes.
This is a really hard situation for you and I hope you get some help.

Sounds hard work, not sure what to suggest really. But what do you do when he refuses to eat? Do you just leave it, or do you offer him something else?

Have you tried unplugging the xBox and putting it away in the loft or somewhere for a couple of weeks? - appreciate this means others in the family lose out, but if it would deprive him then probably worth it.

How often is he allowed out to play with friends? Could you ground him when he misbehaves - confine him to his room for a while?

Is there something he really likes doing/wants to have - can you find a way of rewarding him for good behaviour?

It sounds like he has a lot of energy - does he do any sport - could you get him interested in any?

How is your older DS with him? do they get on, is it possible that he's competing for attention? sorry lots of questions, but just trying to get a better idea of what you've tried already..

I take it your seperated from his father.
How are things between you and his father now.
Also what are his visits to his father like.
Does his father have any other children now, and what people does his dad mix with.
I see you said that his dad has a temper and likes getting into fights has your ds witnessed any of this.
I have a feeling alot of this comes from deep rooted feelings about his father.
Have tried talking to your son about his father he may open up to you about things a bit.

Mrs Snape

My husband was recently diagnosed (at 45) with ADD which he's had since childhood. Although we're very close, it's only now coming out just how bad he's been feeling all these years. Some of it has been quite shocking to me.

I told him about this post and he said he'd like to help. He's not an "expert" (although it sounds like the expert wasn't either) but he's an intelligent man who's been through it himself and is doing lots of reading and may be able to help you help your son a bit.

If you'd like to speak to him, e-mail me on oldnewmummy @ yahoo.com.sg (without the spaces).

If your son DOES have ADD, then as you know the sooner you get help the better.

Good luck