10 year old and friends

[frecklejuice]

I have two kids 15 (boy) and 10 (girl), the teenager is laid back easy going and has friends all over the place but the 10 year old is completely different and I'm actually really worried about how she is going to get on at secondary school next year (currently year 5).

Just looking for some advice on how to help her out and probably be a nicer friend.

She struggles having a group of friends and prefers 1-2-1 but this is mainly because she hates being told what to do and this causes clashes between the girls, if the others want to play a game and she doesn't she will just say no and go off on her own. I've spoken to her about compromise etc but she just says "why should I play a game that I don't want to play". She's massively intolerant of others and people annoy her easily, when they do she just cuts them off and moves on, it's as if she doesn't have any real attachment to any friend and they are just disposable to her.

I genuinely think she is going to be one of those friends you read about on here who everyone says to not bother with again.

Just wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to help her be more tolerant and compromise within friendship groups. Can she be helped or is this just how she is? I haven't parented her like this and her older brother is completely different. My husband just says she's independent and to leave her to it.

Thanks!

I think it depends on whether she minds if she doesn’t get invited or included, and may go through periods of having no friends.

If she will mind this, then yes I would be having fairly blunt discussions explaining that she needs to comprehend if she wants to be included.

If she won’t mind, then leave her to it. She’s not doing anything nasty, just not compromising. Not everyone prioritises having friends.

@minipie she would be gutted not to be invited to something if her friends were going.

It's almost like she gets a friend and becomes a little bit obsessed with them but then is happy to relegate them if someone "better" or more fun comes along and then it starts all over again. I really don't like this trait in her but maybe it's because I came up against friends like her in school and I know how horrible it can be.

Think I'll be having a proper conversation with her.

Speak to the school, they might be able to help her, not sure how as she's year 5 but might be able to do social stories or something. If she's happy though try not to worry

Just realised “comprehend” in my post should be “compromise”.

Do you know if her friends have said anything to her, like when she walks off? Has she been left out on occasion?

If she’s got good friends and they’ve not said anything or left her out then maybe she’s actually doing ok and does manage to fit in more than you think. I understand your worry though especially with a new school on the horizon.

I don’t think she’s being horrible on purpose. Sounds more like she just hasn’t developed the skill of seeing things from the other child’s perspective. Maybe encourage this and ask how she would feel to be ditched for shiny new person.

Is she ND? I have ADHD and see a lot of similarities from my own childhood friendships here.

My child has ADHD and is very similar. Gets too upset within her friendship group about trivial things. can’t be laidback and go with the flow. I don’t have any answers but share your worries especially about high school