Bonding with my 13 year old in the evening!

[crazypiglady]

DD has just turned 13. I work full time with teenagers. I tell her off her phone/ipad at 9:30 to allow her time to decompress/get away from tech. She used to love listening to books on Audible but now won’t, I think because I pushed reading reslly hard until we discovered she has Irlens & finds reading black text on white paper very difficult.

After a long talk is transpires that she wants her phone at night because she’s often bored/lonely until she’s tired around 11pm. She’s always been a night owl but I come home exhausted. She wants to spend time with me at night one to one perhaps watching something together until she’s tired. I also have a 10 year old who needs my attention but he’s asleep earlier still.

So my question is what could I do with her to bond in the evening? We often cook tea together, I read on my kindle or knit. She likes makeup & horses but isn’t crafty or booky like me. Her friends apparently watch Love Island with their Moms which I just don’t think I can do!

Any thoughts? I’m trying my best & im knackered & feel like I’m letting her down.

Could you watch classic films together - Doris Day, or classic Disney? . Or a simple but fun car game - like monopoly go. It she likes crafting then you can find card making kits that look really nice.

Gosh core memory unlocked - I loved Doris Day at her age! She hates musicals though & isn’t crafty any more. But she does love the old Disney films. I’m struggling with every night though, I’m exhausted & I know that’s my own fault because of work. I spent a lot of time on hobbies at her age like crafting & reading but then that was the 80s, pre-internet!

Lots of other similar programs Traitors is a good one on BBC. My DD LOVES Big Brother, I can't stand it but will watch with her as generally it's ok or at least the last one was.

Other programmes like the competition ones similar to Bake Off, Pottery Throwdown,Portrait painter of the year are also big hits and family friendly.

Set one night aside when you all really connect, devices off for all, make your own pizzas, get some board games out, decks of card and teach them card games use sweets to gamble with etc

I watched Bridgerton with my DD (and fast forward dodge bits). We've also watched sewing bee, bake off and design masters series, as well as Anne with an E, Wednesday and many a Rom Com on Netflix. Do you have Netflix?

Back in the day, a friends mum would sit and watch programmes similar to love island with her. And it actually created great bonding moments, opened up conversations about relationships/life etc and resulted in them being really comfortable with each other and the friend feeling they could chat about anything with their mum. How about a teen drama from when you were her age and you watched? Loads on Netflix right now.
find a makeup blogger she likes and have one evening a week she tries it out on you? X

Ds and I still look out for a series to watch together, or a film. Parks & Rec, various Marvel, Race Across the Workd, all sorts

What about some kind of online exercise videos?

Ps. We've never watched love island. I saw it once and told her it was totally inappropriate. Had some nagging but she knew I wouldn't budge. Oh yes, she also likes Friends and period dramas, Emma, Sense and Sensibility, Young Victoria etc.

Board games or card games?
I often play for about 45 mins before bed with my 12 & 11 year old. Cluedo, Mastermind, Uno etc

Sometimes we do an at home spa night - they'll have a warm shower and wash their hair, then I'll dry it, give them hand & foot massages, paint their nails. We usually pop a film on in the background.

Don't make it every night BUT pencil in the nights you will do and stick to it.

Make sure you checkin everyday though even if it's a sit down with a couple of biscuits and cup of tea.

In terms of exhaustion is it general life related or do you need to delegate more at home, or any ways you could time save like using a slow cooler for meals etc, perhaps incorporate more physical activity to increase energy levels perhaps - my DD enjoys an evening walk around the block andit gets her talking andI always feel better for it after a day at work.

Why not learn some card or dice games together? I use a website called whatwedoallday.com which has loads with clear instructions. We are learning some at the moment on holiday although my kids are younger if you both liked it you could learn something more advanced liked poker?

I go to bed early ie 9pm same time as her devices lock down. So usually she comes into bed with me and we just chat/read together for 30 mins ish. Bedtime is 9.30/10pm latest so by the time she has brushed teeth etc it is bedtime anyway

I watch Netflix with my almost 13 year old in the evenings. If I'm tired or it's cold, we watch it lying on my bed. It's also a great opportunity for her to open up or ask my advice, as we are usually lying side by side.

Our favourites have been:

Wednesday
Never have I ever
Atypical
Heartstopper

We have also enjoyed Celebrity Big Brother, Race Across the World and nature documentaries.

We are both Autistic, so that may influence our choices somewhat..

We (DD19 & DS13, DH & myself) watch race around the world on iplayer... there are several seasons. We have a lot of fun criticising, commenting and looking for holiday no goes!
We love playing computer games- like racing or arcade type stuff...

Kindle is your friend here.

I think you have to do things with your child that you aren't particularly interested in. It's like playing with them when they are younger, it's not like I wanted to play hide and seek with a 3 year old or worse pretend to be Tommy Zoom for what seemed like hours (if anyone remembers that). You might find common ground or you might have to suck it up. I wouldn't watch Love Island in a million years but I did end up getting into Dr Who. I also play games on the xbox. The point is the time together, not the activity.

I watch TV with my 13 year old DD every evening, at the moment we're watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air which she is loving. I also read the books she reads (mostly, not all) so we can chat about the books and the characters, she loves that.

I can't see many teenagers being interested in cluedo etc. It will become an obligation. At this age my dd and I would chat about her day and life in general, they often make food and chat in the kitchen, listen to music.

All phones and tech is off at 9pm regardless (and our eldest is 16) and everyone reads kindles or books.

In the summer weekend nights we play garden games
Winter we play cards and maybe watch a film (hard to find something at this age) We go to the cinema or theatre.

Mid week nights are kept low key, baths, homework and night time chats.

My girls love married at first sight, very bearable and we talk about feminism and culture differences, and relationships. We love watching hunted, bake off and my dc like Downton Abbey.

She's not allowed on her device, but you are reading on yours. That might feel a bit like a double standard to her!
We have YouTube on the telly. You can do karaoke through that, or quizzes. We like music quizzes. DD likes "keep 1 song" where they give you 3 songs with a similarity (eg same year or same artist) and you each choose which you would keep. It is a bit more interactive than watching telly but you can do it from the sofa!

Oh wow thank you so much for all the responses, I never expected so much support 🥺 Brilliant recommendations for shows & games, that’s what I was after what appropriate for us to watch. We don’t have any kind of gaming console but she likes Mario Kart that her friend has, would something like a Switch be something we could do together? That would be tech time though I know.

To the poster who said about my having tech & not letting her have any after 9:30 - I only have my kindle at night, if she would read on that ofcourse I’d let her have it, I really hope she will try reading on mine because I really think it will help with her Irlens.

I feel so guilty because when I come home from work I sort of emotionally crash (I work with ‘challenging’ teens) & her saying this has made me realise that I can ‘play’ with her like I used to when she was little, it just won’t look the same. With some friends watching Love Island & some watching Bridgerton, I’m finding it hard to navigate what’s appropriate for her age.

At my 16yo DD's instigation, we've recently started doing jigsaw puzzles together. Sometimes we listen to music. Quite often, 14 yo DS joins in.

Weird.

I love your update OP, exactly that, you can play with her but it looks different.

How about footspas and facepacks together with some relaxing music playing and the lights down low? You can be 'with' her while re-energising rather than tiring yourself further. Maybe make smoothies too? You can get so many different recipes. Kind of playing at 'health spas'?