Another mother betraying your confidence

[upsidedownyoureturningme]

Hi there,
In the summer before my daughter started school I told one parent (who was also separated) that my daughter's father and I had split up. I told her as thought she might understand having been through it herself several years before. I've since had play dates or been chatting to various mothers (at least 4) over the last year and all of them seem to know that I've split with my daughter's father. It appears like this mum has spread the news wide and far...(my ex and I havent told anyone else). I can't see how everyone else seems to 'know'...I didn't want to keep it a secret but thought it would at least my news to share...it's really undermined my confidence and I can't help but think that I've been spoken about behind my back...why would it have been interest to share? Eurgh...do I confront this mother? It appears she's the class big mouth?

Just don’t tell her anything else and learn your lesson. People can’t help blabbing in the school
playground. You’ll be old news soon, but just remember this betrayal for future reference

Exactly!...have totally done that - not sharing any info at all with her now...just feels very immature is this is what it's like when you have kids at school?..gossip at the gates! I mean Jesus! 🤢

If you told this person last summer then surely the parents would have just figured it out by now from being around you. It's 10 months later. Even your child could have told their children. There are lots of scenarios aren't there. Seems a bit hasty to assume gossiping occurred.

Could your child have told theirs? Or perhaps they guessed it? Did they say she had told them?

The news will spread in 10 months. Eg, my dc's friend told her recently how her parents had been in a big argument. Then noticed them never together, then overhear the ex husband telling another mum at a school event that they have split. There is no reason to think she's been blabbing all over town. There are so many separated parents around, it probably isn't big news to anyone except you and your family (in the nicest possible way). It is hardly a big scandal unless there's something you haven't mentioned here.

Well that's the only other possibility - but my daughter doesn't really come back talking in that level of detail about other children so I find it hard to believe they heard it or believed it from her?

Did you tell her that it wasn’t widely known and not to pass it on?

I’ll be honest it wouldn’t occur to me without being explicitly told not to mention it in casual conversation.

It’s not like she was sharing that you were pregnant or something.

With unhappy news I think it can sometimes be helpful to have other people share it so the person it’s about doesn’t have to go round telling everyone potentially getting upset but others know to offer support / cut the person some slack.

I guess my point is if she did share it then it might not have been malicious

It's very possible it's your child talking about her life as part of the small talk stuff they do ti get ti know each other at school and then kids have been telling their parents, I used to see that all the time at the nursery I worked at.

My dd is best friend's parents split when they were 5 and it was the child who told me and some other parents in the playground as part of casual chatting.

Well Maybe I'm being over sensitive then... just would have preferred to have shared it myself...I should have made it clear it wasnt widely known. There must have been some chat behind my back as the mums have been fairly random...not all kids would have been playing with my daughter...

Does your ex ever pick up from school? PHSE discusses families often so who a child lives with will have come up. I wouldn’t assume she’s betrayed you or that you’re gossip.

I had a weird one along similar lines. Not long after term started a mum I know a bit told me about her recent divorce and some pretty shocking details. I didn’t know who else she’d told so I never said a word to anyone and she then mentioned to me a couple of months later that it was awkward that most people didn’t know but she didn’t feel comfortable telling them.

I don’t have a reputation as a gossip because I’m not and I had my own shitty divorce some years ago so would always respect a private conversation. I told her to just drop it in casually when talking about weekend plans or whatever and I think that’s what she’s done. Tbh in the kindest way no one’s ever that interested in other people’s lives unless it’s truly shocking stuff.

Depends on the child. My eldest used to tell me everything that happened at school. She was incredibly observant and I knew all sorts of things that I probably shouldn’t have. I was very popular at parties as I knew exactly what group every child in the class was for maths and reading.

My youngest - I think that he might have been locked in a cupboard between the hours of 9 and 3 for all that he could remember what had actually happened!

In year r/1 they talk loads about families in an "everyone is different, we all look after each other" way. I know which families are single parents, whose dad is in prison, lives with grandparents, who's got 2 mums, 2 dads, parent is in a wheelchair/ ill, divorced parents, step-parents, brother wears dresses etc from my child. They often draw pictures and talk in show and tell. There's no judgement. It's about acceptance. Also makes it easier for us tbh, you can use the right language. It's really only a big deal to you. Class WhatsApp group also tends to have both parents on it if they don't live together.

dont tell people yr business.

If you didn't expressly say to her not to tell anyone else then I don't think she's really in the wrong. She could have told others because she wanted them to be aware and not bring up anything that may upset you regarding the situation or to ask others for advice on how best to help you. If you did tell her not to say anything then, yes, she is in the wrong but otherwise I wouldn't be blaming her.

I think she did not realize this was confidental as you did not tell her. How do you know they know, what was said to you?