Perfectionist daughter

[nurseandmamato3]

Hi all,

my 9 year old daughter is the biggest perfectionist, she’s a high level baton twirler, competing at national level and has always been very hard on herself within the sport, but I’ve noticed it creeping into everyday home life too.

Her teachers are noticing she gets frustrated over the smallest mistakes in her work. If her younger sisters don’t complete something to her level, she really struggles. I’m so lost on how to deal with her at home at this point.

any tips or tricks would be massively appreciated.

Would something like play or art therapy help do you think?

I think keep an eye on her anxiety, OP.

Is she a people-pleaser in general? Does she struggle with transitions between activities/places? Do you have other concerns apart from the perfectionism?

Hi,

she’s, in general, a very confident bubbly person, plenty of friends and not one to typically over react, it’s the most random outbursts that seem to come out of no where.

i initially thought pressures from her coaches, and upcoming competitions in baton twirling was causing this, but she’s always excited to go and completely flipped when I suggested slowing down and giving herself a bit of a break. Coaches have said in between these meltdowns, she’s absolutely fine, nothing in particular seems to trigger them

I’m at a loss at what to do

Not sure this is very helpful but I am like this as an adult.

I think I became like this because I started to associate praise for success with love.

The only thing I'd suggest is maybe make sure that you show her lots of love and praise for just being herself or things unrelated to achievement.

It maybe too late if she's 9 as that is quite formed character and also it maybe that praise she gets from teachers etc that boys her up.

I was also the eldest and looking back I think I felt (not accurately but you know how kids are) that the youngers were getting all the attention and love and the more I 'achieved' at a high level, the more I would be winning that back.

So maybe also look at the family dynamic between her and the younger siblings. she may feel they are getting all the love and attention and this is a way she can prove she is 'better'.

Make sure you praise effort and not success.

If she wins a medal at baton twirling don't mention the win, but praise her for how hard she worked/how much she practised/how she tried her absolute best. When she doesn't win, do the same. The conversation should be the same whether she wins or loses, it should always be about what she put it, not what she got out.

Do this with everything and for the younger one too. Praise them for trying, for doing their best, for being kind and considerate.

Share you own frustrations too. Model how to make a mistake and deal with it in a healthy way i.e. you'll just try again.

Encourage her to take part in activities where the act of doing it makes you feel good and the result doesn't matter (write stories/paint/play/go for a walk on the woods/look for shells on the beach etc).