10 year old never wants to do anything

[ILCTM]

When my son was younger, he was the most fun child. I always said he was far too cool to be our son, so outgoing, so confident, so happy, so playful. He's now 10 and the complete opposite and it's driving me a bit crazy.

Every time we're going out somewhere, I'm met with resistance, that's boring, I don't want to go there, we've already been out today, etc. We took him the zoo, he wasn't excited about it at all, we got there, he was fine for a bit, then he said he was bored and when were we going home. Today we went to a festival, there were inflateables, amusements, etc. He doesn't want to go on anything, then says he has a sore throat, which miraculously healed itself as soon as we got home. Oh and his feet were hurting too.

Then last night I thought maybe I had a breakthrough. There's kids of a similar age on our road who all play out. I suggested he go and join them. He seemed finally excited about it. He went out and played with them yesterday evening, had a lovely time. This morning, they knocked for him, he says he doesn't really feel like going out, but he went out for half an hour, then came back in. They knocked again this afternoon, but he didn't want to go out and now he seems reluctant about it.

I've also taken him to boxing club, football, boxercise. These are all 'boring' and he doesn't like any of them.

I feel like he's only happy when he's staring at a screen - although I say happy, he often looks bored doing that. We limit device time and I don't want to completely stop it, but does anyone have any advice? I just want him to have fun. I feel like I'm failing him somehow, but I'm not sure what else I can do.

Sounds like low confidence maybe. When he played out with the boys, were they doing sports? Does ds feel he's bad at sports and shy of exposing that?

My kids can be like this sometimes.

the 11 year old has just started wanting to go out with friends etc.

just leave him, he's doing no harm not wanting to do those things you’ve mentioned.

He’s a homebody, theres nothing wrong with that.

No, they've been playing on their bikes and having nerf wars, so I don't think it's that. But he could have low confidence.

As for being a homebody, that's fine, but there's being a homebody and there's being a recluse and I feel like he's becoming a recluse.

Does he have too much screen time, do you think? As you know, they're incredibly addictive. I've known young teens who only ever want to be on their phone/tablet/games and it's all they're thinking about if they're out.

Could he be nervous about anything? Especially regarding the playing out, because fair play to him, he did try it. I'm wondering if there's something he's worried about in relation to that which his putting him off?

I do think what you describe is probably quite a common part of ageing for a lot of kids though sadly! I think my DPs would have described me as boring at age 10 lol and been frustrated at my lack of interest in a lot of things. I think you're doing right to allow him some screen time but with limits, I spent too long on screens even at that age and it didn't do my mental health or my eyesight or my physical fitness any good, it also just took up time that I could have been experiencing things or developing skills. All you can do is continue what you are doing by encouraging and exposing him to lots of different things so he can find things he enjoys. Maybe with things like day trips at the zoo, could you take a cousin or friend of his with you (you don't say if he has any siblings?)? A peer may make it more enjoyable for him?

I’ve found quite common at this age for them to start preferring screen time over most other activities, not so different to a lot of adults, we had a social event to go to the other day and both said we would much rather just have an early night and chill on our phones/read our books, but of course would of been rude not to turn up and we both had a great time. Often find the the same with older DC is a mare getting them off the screens and out of the house but enjoy it once they’re out. Although they can get very stubborn as teenagers and be determined to be mope until they’re back home on their screens!

I do think screens are a problem for him. He'd be on them all the time if we allowed it, but we limit it because I know how bad they are for your mental health as well as anything else. Having said that though, even when he does have screen time, he often seems bored.

He has a brother who is a year older, but they're going through the phase of not seeming to be able to be around each other for more than 10 minutes without one annoying the other. He has a cousin who he adores, but his cousin's mum is difficult and barely lets him see my son these days. We've had a few disagreements - nothing to do with the kids - and I feel that she's being a bit spiteful with the kids - but that's a whole different issue.

It's just really difficult because I can't make him have fun, but I really want him to have fun and I'd hate for him to grow up and look back at his childhood and think it was rubbish.

I found in your story that you are looking for fun for your son outside. Have you tried to find something at home? board games, cooking together, drawing, reading books, baking. It's hard to find interest if he is used to getting it from the computer. I came across a program that tells parents how to fill their children with happiness using the hormone oxytocin. "The happy child" is free. But it has a lots of advice to help your son.

@SweatyLama
Please can you tell us where you saw that program, it sounds really useful

On play store. It's about close relationships.

Thanks, I will take a look.