Hi I’m desperate for help. I have no other place to seek advice currently as people in my life don’t have this experience.
im 23, have a 4 year old son. Sons dad is 25 and his new girlfriend has just turned 20 a week ago. He met her end of March, and quickly introduced our son to her first week of may, left me with no choice and he had her stay overnight as there first meet. They both smoke weed. Before meeting her he smoked it outside and now he’s met her, she smokes it in the house. My son smelled of it heavily when he was picked up, and his girlfriend posted a TikTok of her smoking a joint upstairs, but my sons dad hit back with, ‘it wasn’t lit’. Her sister is a police officier so they clearly know how to technically get away with it.
his girlfriend purposely handed her keys back to her flat and moved in. They only met end of march, and then they would’ve gotten to know each other after this. My sons dad has cancelled multiple times to spend time with his girlfriend instead. Has never given me child maintenance. I set up a claim in dec of last year and it’s going to collect and pay because he provided nothing. And now he’s cut down his hours to get out of child maintenance.
my sons dad has multiple times put our sons safety at risk. From the beginning I said that I wasn’t sure about overnight stays with our son and his girlfriend, as he doesn’t even see our son regularly, our son at the the time didn’t even have a proper bed. He ignored this and left me with no choice, And our son told me he shared a bed with them, when he advised they’d be in separate rooms. This was the second sleepover they had too.
after multiple arguments and things happening around our son, I thought it was best to try and set clear boundaries but my sons dad refused unless girlfriend was present. I advised I didn’t feel comfortable as his girlfriend said I caused her miscarriage when I didn’t when she commented on mine and sons dad relationship before my son was conceived, when it was completely irrelevant and I said that was unkind and apparently it made her cry and caused her miscarriage the same day. I can do nothing right. I’ve asked to sit down with him to hear what he wants, and refuses and says I’m being controlling, but my actions are the opposite because I want to know what he wants, and hear each other out.
ive not felt comfortable dropping my son off overnight, as his dad wouldn’t speak about boundaries and previous boundaries were completely disrespected. However, I still dropped him off but advised I didn’t feel comfortable his girlfriend staying until boundaries were established. He wouldn’t reassure me his girlfriend wasn’t there, tried going for me when our son was between us to get my phone. And then switched his phone off. So me and my friend went down as I had a horrible feeling, I asked her to knock as his dad had previously went for me. She asked if our son was okay and if he girlfriend was there, because he said he’d FaceTime and didn’t and phone was off.
the next bit is wrong and I admit to the wrongness in this, but my friend then said can I have my son back as I didn’t feel comfortable. She said his house stunk of weed. Which I know he smokes it but he always said not in house. He gave my son back but the second son came in the car he stunk of weed and so did his bag. I asked my sons dad to come get his son back as I didn’t even ask my friend to collect him. I just at least needed to ensure his safety and I know his dad would use it against me if I drove away with our son. Like he did the first time he told me our son was meeting his girlfriend wouldn’t even bringing it up to me. I said I wanted to take our son home, and he started throwing stuff at my car.
so then the next week I drop our son off, my son falls over and my sons dad won’t let me even come in the house to comfort my son because his girlfriend said I can’t come in the house. This is where it affects our son. And it’s being so controlling and it was the worst thing in the world driving home when my sons elbow was drooling with blood, and could t even say in the kitchen for 5. But in the past this would’ve been no bother. I’ve just said at present I don’t feel comfortable being around his girlfriend. Btw his girlfriend has witnessed multiple times sons dad giving me verbal abuse on the phone, I don’t rise to it, or call him names back, she just thinks I deserve this.
i found the TikTok earlier this week of her smoking cannabis. He gave me verbal abuse on the phone for an hour saying it wasn’t lit. I forgot to add when I went to his the other month to collect my stuff that was there before he met his girlfriend, he had multiple packets of cocaine. She is awake he uses it too. But he had empty packets where my son stays. And I’m just too concerned for my sons safety. I don’t have my evidence wise that is my problem. Tonight our son was supposed to be staying, but If I’m honest I don’t feel like my son is safe there. Especially the lengths they went to cover up certain things, they’ve admitted to the odd lie. His girlfriend didn’t like it when she was pregnant having a bong blew in her face but she is fine smoking weed in the house and controlling things where I can’t even comfort my own son.
i don’t know what to do contact wise. I’m waiting for my sons dad to reply because I know he’ll message today asking for him overnight, but he’ll call me controlling and jealous and using my son as a friend weapon. When all the decisions he makes is to please his girlfriend and our son safety is being compromised because of it. i want to suggest a supervised visit tomorrow at a family members house, but I think he’ll flip. I don’t know what to do I feel so ill because of him, please please please help