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Suffering in motherhood

8 replies

AJ2024 · 28/06/2024 21:00

Hi all,
Hoping someone can relate?
I have a 5month DD. I have never really enjoyed motherhood. I had a bad season of PND and had help from perinatal nurses, homestart and my MIL has DD on the weekends sometimes.
Dont get me wrong, I love my daughter and she is well cared for. But I feel like I dont like her. Bonding has been difficult because shes not the best feeder so she wakes frequently for feeds in the night on top of just being a very noisy sleeper. By the time 6am rolls around (after praying she just sleeps til at least 8am) I feel resentful at her because I'm so tired. Its like I have given up before the day has even started. DH does help me when he can but he works long days and my braincells honestly are honestly fried and my mental health just feels like its in the toilet.
She is also clingly and I feel constantly overstimulated by noise and constantly having a child attached to me. I feel bad even writing this post because my family are all in love and in awe of her but I'm over here feeling tired and resentful, currently regretting my life choices :(

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Mistralli · 28/06/2024 21:30

I think much of what you describe is actually very normal and common for mothers to feel at this stage - even when they don't have postnatal depression. Its just not that openly acknowledged because it feels like its not okay to admit it.

My daughter slept through for 6h for the very first time at 5 months. However, that was unusual
Things did get better once we started regularly getting 4h blocks of sleep regularly. It's a gruelling slog, in those first months.

The little squishes don't exactly give much back either. Yes, they like to snuggle on you to sleep. They like milk. You might get the odd smile. Though at 5 months, I think the only thing my daughter smiled at were my boobs. This was one of the main reasons I kept breastfeeding.

It feels like they spend a lot of time yelling at you, as they realise how they can't move and can't communicate, but start knowing that they want things. At 5 months, they start getting bored, and knowing it.

I do remember feeling like many days I cared for my daughter out of duty rather than with affection - and felt guilty as heck about it!

So how do you get through this phase?

Are you going to any mum and baby groups? Good ones with sensible mums will have some open discussion of all this, so you don't have to feel so alienated by your family's different sentiments. It's easy to be all awe and gushing affection when you get to give the baby back and are getting full nights sleep.

Also, lots of walks with the pushchair: it's fresh air and exercise for you (good for mental health) and less boring for the baby. More importantly, it gives you physical and mental space, getting the baby off you - if they cry it never feels as loud outside either.

You clearly do love your child. You probably will like her when she has a personality that is more obvious that a milk and cuddle obsession. If there was no bond, she wouldn't want to cling onto you! Don't let a fear that postnatal depression has had long lasting impacts colour too much the simple situation that babies are hard work. It IS hard to like something that just takes and demands, but it will get easier.

Kosenrufugirl · 28/06/2024 21:40

I didn't fall in love with my 2nd child until he was 18 months old. Fake till you make it would be my advice. Also, sleep train as soon as she is on solids. Sleep deprivation has been used as a torture for thousands of years. You are sleep deprived and on your own for most of the day. I am not surprised you feel what you feel. It will get better, just hang in there

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ElmTree22 · 28/06/2024 21:55

I felt that I started to bond with my DD around 6mo. Now looking back it was much earlier than that but I didn't recognise it or feel it. I was too far into PND to even see it. You are bonding OP, the fact that your DD is clingy and wants to be with you all the time shows that, it's a really hard period, and the sleep deprivation is tough that in itself will be putting a strain on your feelings towards her. The fact you care well for her and even reflect on this issue shows what a wonderful mother you are.
I really didn't enjoy the baby phase. As soon as she started toddling I was all for it. That's when I felt she was becoming a real person and we could really get to know each other. We have a wonderful bond now and I honestly think she's the best human to ever walk this earth. So hang on in there, it really does get better. Once the PND subsides and the sleep gets better and she develops more personality you will start seeing the wonderful bond you already have going, even though you can't see it through the murky baby brain fog right now.

AJ2024 · 08/07/2024 18:08

Thanks guys for the tips! I am deffo gonna try going out in the pushchair a bit more. I will try and find some positive mummy mantras in the meantime. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Mistralli · 08/07/2024 22:59

Good luck! - And don't forget you can post back on your thread for more support when you need it!

The baby will be a year old and sleeping through, before you know it...

catsnore · 08/07/2024 23:41

Are you an introvert OP? It took becoming a mother for me to realise that I was one. It can be hell with the constant contact and overstimulation. I only started to feel more human when I got breaks from the baby and also when I started exercising again. Even a walk with the pushchair helped as it meant the baby was not on me!!!! And would hopefully go to sleep without feeding. I don't really enjoy baby groups but would go to them to make sure I got out the house and to break up the long hours of baby slog.

When they turn into little people it becomes much more fun, I promise! Plenty of people dislike the baby stage and the lack of sleep means you can't see things clearly. Don't beat yourself up, you'll get there x

Subfusc · 08/07/2024 23:42

I only stopped feeling I’d made a giant mistake when I went back to work after maternity leave.

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