Ex hasn't asked to see our son because I don't want to be together.

[Secretlysurviving]

So I split with my ex over a week ago now yes the time doesn't seem a lot but when you have a growing 4.5 month old it is. He asked for us back but I'm not putting my children through seeing us arguing and the abuse that come from him towards me. It's a strong no and I made this clear. He hadn't asked to see our son. He only asked to see him with me coming round too. I think this is because he thinks when I drop our son to him I am going to go and meet another man. Let me put it clear IM NOT! I couldn't think of anything less on my list of priorities right now but he doesn't understand this. It is like he doesn't want to see him because he doesn't want me having free time? It's Friday tomorrow and so I will see if he reaches out to see our son then but I really don't think he will. What are your thoughts on this please guys? Thank you.

As sad as it sounds, your son could do with a better example than someone who uses a baby to control a woman. He’s better off to have no dad than a shit one who is going to teach him to be abusive and how to manipulate women

It's a recent split and you are not obliged to do anything - so do nothing, just carry on with your life as normal. For now.

Carry on for how long and do what after that? I want my son to have a dad but as mentioned above not one who teaches him bad traits!!!

I would reach out with a text asking if he wants to take baby out over the weekend. Then leave it with him. Don’t push.

Some men will put their kids behind them and move on because they want a fresh start, and the kids are a reminder of their failures and shortcomings. Hopefully though this is just a period of adjustment before you all settle into a new normal.

My sons dad was the same and would ask to see him about 3 times a year if he could be bothered.

You can't make him if he can't be arsed unfortunately. Probably for the best if he's shit.

Well he's only got one dad so you either keep trying to promote a relationship with the one he's got or you get used to parenting without help. It sucks, but you can't make him turn into a non abusive dad. By the way, you made an amazing decision and you should be very proud of yourself.

It’s very, very early days and he could just be weaponising your children to get to you, or he could be hoping that things change and so he doesn’t need to get into a routine with seeing your child because everything will be back to normal before too long. I would just carry on living your life with your children as normally as you can and see where things are a month from now. Make it clear - as I know you have done - that there’s no turning back and reiterate that he needs to have a think about a plan for access in the months ahead. Things are in an adjustment phase and will take some time to level out. If your kids have stability with you then that will help mitigate his absence a bit while he sorts himself out. Plus even though this was your choice a break up is always difficult, so also be really nice to yourself in the meantime, even if he is driving you up the wall. Well done on making a brave decision.

@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum thanks so much. Parenting alone although yes it does suck it doesn't phase me on bringing my kids up on my own I know I can do it. I'd do it all for them but with him being a boy I want him to have a role model. I mean he does have his uncles etc but I want to protect him as much as I can from being messed up when he is older if that makes sense? I would try my best to ensure he is not but it's only natural to worry. I have tried to prompt the relationship I said if he needed my help I'd help him I said if he didn't want to do over night stays until he was in a proper routine that is fine etc etc but when I offered to drop him round yesterday for an hour he refused because I said I did not want to talk and wasn't going to stay.

I would just give space .. your job is not to push for contact .

I honestly feel mums feel this guilt that Dad can’t be arsed .

one thing with my ex it took a long time to realise . I can’t change him when we were together - so no hope now .

There is a big difference between been obstructive in contact and not pushing .

If he thinks you aren’t bothered either way contact is more likely to be about the child

You can't force someone to be a parent. Do make sure he pays for his child though and contact CMS.