Teens moving away with dad - I’m worried..

[Twinztwo]

My 16 year old twins have been lucky enough to have condititonal offers at an A level college over 2 hours away which also includes training for rugby at a good level. All good stuff - they chose this and I am pleased they have offers . We await GCSE results …
The issue is , my ex , their dad is funding the accommodation and has said that he will rent a house nearby and is also considering buying a home in the area.
He has now said he won’t speak to me to make any arrangements- ie who’s weekend is it /holiday plans etc /general parenting! as the boys are old enough to decide what they want to do . Also lots of truth in this ! He says “make your arrangements with them “. I already let them arrange their own time and am laid back/accomodating with whatever they choose.
However I have a bad feeling - this is breakdown in communication- effectively cuts me out- something I have never done to him - we split when the boys were young and I have co-parented properly.. bent over backwards to include him in the boys lives , even though he was not nice , for years undermining, taking them during their time with me ..
I could be wrong but I feel there is a permanent move to another part of the country happening and my children could potentially have a “new life “ somewhere else .. I don’t know what to say or do. I have to work, I can’t face moving again (only just relocated a couple of years ago and I’m nearing retirement ) and the dad is mercurial in temperament.. nice/nasty . I anticipate that once they are dependent on him the less pleasant side of him will come out. This was my experience and I got out. I know I just have to keep calm and see what happens , but ! Anyone else been through similar?

I feel uneasy on your behalf, but haven't got any advice. How is your relationship with your DCs? Whose idea was it for them to apply to this particular college? Have you discussed your concerns with them?

What sort of accommodation are they going to be living in?
Does your ex currently live in this area?
It's an unusual situation to have your 16 year olds not living at home and that woukd make me anxious. But if they're that independent it makes sense that communication about visits etc. would be directly with them.
Are your concerns that your ex is going to build a stronger relationship with them?

I think it will be a rented house initially with their dad . It should be reasonable standard , he would choose a safe enough area . Yes the ex currently lives in same area as me. I think the idea came from one of the boys and they have followed it through. Discussions so far have been sensitive, I did raise my concern about having good communication between parents but they were defensive and parroted their dad’s phrases such as “why , you are not together “.

Legally your sons would have been allowed to choose how much contact they had with each parent at around age 12. If they want to live in this new town and dad is happy to finance it then there’s nothing that you can do. Your ex isn’t unreasonable to prefer you to talk to your sons directly about access since it’s probably difficult to plan without joining the school and finding out details like how much weekend practice there is.

Yanbu to worry that this is going to weaken your relationship with your boys. I’d imagine that a school like that would have weekend practices and the boys may want to spend time with girlfriends, friends or get a part-time job. As you can’t move there, it will be up to you to go there lots and unlike younger ages, it’s unlikely to be a regular schedule because life is busy for sporty teens. Long term being flexible will hopefully keep the relationship going.

They have a strong relationship with their dad , with the sports being central to this . I also think we have a good relationship. I’m concerned there are 2 parents here and the “resident parent “ states he won’t communicate with me or forward plan anything. I hope to visit /take annual leave /have them at home with me when they can , but I wont be able to make plans if I can’t discuss with their dad what is happening . The boys themselves in general cant forward plan and will say they aren’t sure /defer to their dad out of fear/ keeping on his good side.. this lack of planning has been an issue for a while .

Thinking about your feelings in the short and longer term - do you have other family or friends in the area?

My 2DC have chosen a parent to live with each (both are teens). I miss my youngest, but it was his choice and I find talking helps.

It’s very tricky, OP, but I think that @SonicTheHodgeheg has good advice. Maintain your relationship with them and be flexible. I can see why it’s a shock, but if you’ve established a good relationship with them, it’ll be ok in the long term. 💐

Given their age and they are behind the idea I don't think you can do anything but be supportive. It might be a good thing Dad is there to keep an eye on them.

Just try to see them as often as they will allow. Invite them to stay regularly. They will also want to come home to see friends and other family members. It's really hard letting them go

I would be encouraging them to stay local and would not support the move. It’s too far away. They are still minors and for now under your care. Given the history, I would not trust their father,

With my own 15yo, her schedule has become so busy and so complex that she rarely has a full weekend free during term time. When she does, she just wants to collapse and relax.

is it possible that your ex isn’t taking this approach with the intention of being difficult? Could he be trying to be realistic about how often the twins will be able to travel to see you? Could he be trying to give them the autonomy to say that they need downtime, not to have every break filled with a trip home?

if you do proceed with this schooling plan, are you planning to go visit them?

it might be easier if you schedule some long trips home during long breaks and then you do the traveling for weekend visits.

@Meetingofminds She’s between a rock and a hard place, because they want to attend this particular college and their father is prepared to move to make this possible.

Yes I think all of what you say is correct really - the reality with teens and having lived with their 2 house routine I totally agree with giving them autonomy to decide- and downtime - and I wouldn’t have worried - but I am alarmed that he (the adult living with my only 2 children )plans coldly not to speak to me/reply to messages from me - . He has a history of lack of empathy . In the past when I have tried instigating mediation or tried talking he just made things difficult for the boys (moody behaviour) so I can’t fight him without a consequence to them . I don’t trust him to be consistently kind either. I definitely plan to visit them 🙂

Yes I have friends I talk to and have had to build independence as a single mum. Some of my friends don’t have children hence this is a really useful forum ! Recently we have also separated the two, living 1 in each house and it works to stop arguing.. I can imagine you must miss your youngest very much .. hopefully this will be temporary ..

I don’t trust him to keep me in the loop - which I have always done for him. The law (Google search) says at 16 they are free to choose where they want to live . Yes I have done what I can to gently encourage the great local school, but in terms of sport it’s not even close..