Abusive ex asking for me and kids back saying he’ll go counselling.

[Secretlysurviving]

so recently I split from my ex because things were unbareable. We were constantly arguing he was quite violent when together and splitting up to possessions, I.e. smashing things breaking things slamming doors etc. he claims to have been taking certain things that made him that way although he was quite a hot head anyway but not so bad in the past.
he is very aggressive when arguing and pretty controlling too but his way with worlds justifies what he says which is annoying because I know some things he says is wrong but the way he puts it across he makes out like he is right. Anyway, since leaving him, he is asking for us to keep speaking and take things slow while I live separate while seeing the kids a couple of times a week. He also said he would go to therapy and pay it and said he will call them to book in to sort himself out. Said he has stopped taking what he was (medication) making him acting up stopping drinking and is going to put in effort. I do not want to be with this man because he let our kids down and was shouting infront of them and was abusive to me emotionally and verbally and really psychologically while together. I am now feeling a little torn because he is telling me he will go therapy and sort himself out. What do I do? Am I being a fool by being slightly torn?
I told him I am putting my kids first and that’s why I am not getting back with him but he is begging and pleading for his family back and somehow making me see him as the victim. Please can I have sensible advice. Thank you.

Don't be fooled ime. Ex wooed me for 6 months. I went back and we even got married. Regretted it within 2 weeks. Divorced him after a year.. You have ripped that plaster off op. Don't go back.

He will go? Is going to sort himself out?

If he was serious about working on himself he'd have gone already and would be demonstrating he has changed already.
This isn't a finger click moment. If you ever thought he had reformed then there's a long road ahead where he proves himself and you slowly build up trust.

The very act of him making it conditional and expecting you to move back in immediately tells me he knows nothing about the changes required on himself

You’re not his mum.
You have real kids that need a stable and safe home.
You don’t want to be with him.
Don't get back with him.

If he was going to treat you well, it would have happened a long time ago.

He doesn't want to change. He wants to get his feet back under the table so he can continue getting the benefits of a relationship with someone he is abusive to. He's just saying whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to make that happen.

Let him prove himself and do the counselling and if you really think he's worth it give him another chance at that stage. There's nothing in it for you at this point!

Personally I don't think he will change, but never say never.

Actions speak louder than words and currently all you have is words.
I personally would keep moving forward. You have done the hardest part and realistically you want him to change so he can be a better person for the kids but you need to prioritise you now as well and he's not good for you.

Yes. I’m annoyed that I am feeling guilty when it is not my fault. He is crying down the phone on voice notes to me I feel bad for people so easily I really hate it.

My personal experience is that these men don’t change.

It’s hard when they play with your emotions knowing you’ll feel guilty / bad for him “suffering”.

But nothing he is doing shows he’s actually willing to put the work in. Actions speak louder than words.

Let him do the therapy, change, improve his life, etc etc. Tell him not to mention it to you again until he’s 6 months in, and then you can assess if he’s really changed.

Leaving voice notes crying is not changing he is emotionally manipulating you. Instead of saying he will do all those things, he should be doing them.

For himself, not so that you’ll take him back.

It’s highly unlikely an abuser will change so drastically that you can take him and feel comfortable about him going forward.

Do not go back with him.
I have personal experience.
Like Leopards, they don’t change their spots.
Just don’t. You will live to regret it.

I agree. It's emotionally manipulative behaviour. I'm sure he'd be delighted to know that he's making you feel guilty.

If this is him trying to prove he's changed, he's going a funny way about it.

You know therapists don’t have a magic wand? He’s not going to go to a few appointments and suddenly have a complete personality transplant. And it even if it does help him even a tiny bit, your standards should not be a man who needs to go to therapy as otherwise he’ll abuse you. I doubt very much you’re even feeling sorry for him op, I think you’re looking for reasons to go back. And I can pretty much guarantee you’ll be back on here in a few months time, absolutely devastated that it’s just the same, if not even worse, but now you’re back to square one again with breaking up

Just no. Until you see evidence and change of behaviour don't put your kids or yourself through it.

Lay it on the line for him and tell him you hold all the cards and he needs to make al lthe effort and prove himself, and then you may give him another chance..

I suspect he won't react well to that, which will tell you all you need to know..