Toddler prefers mum, Dad feels rejected and taking it out on mum

[pinksheetss]

So it's been this way since DD was born really, she's 2.5 years old now.

I'm the mum and my DD will often cry for mum if I'm there (on the flip if granny or granda come mum gets completely ignored).
If my DP even tries to touch her/console her she kicks out and doesn't want him near her I'd say about 80% of the time. If we are in bed altogether and he puts his arm on her to cuddle she will push it off and cry and come cuddle mum instead

I'll be honest I'm probably the less strict parent, I'm very much in mind of she's two and going through phases. Examples being if supper is made DP will tell her she needs to go eat her supper are try get her to stay at the table to eat whereas I'm more relaxed and would let her get up and not force her to eat if she doesn't want it.

DP believes DD doesn't respect or trust him and that it's my fault because I undermine him when he tries to discipline her. I have asked for examples as other than the good one above I'm not entirely sure when I do it. I won't say I don't do it because I can't be sure of that either.
I wouldn't like him to shout at her. I guess I'm more gentle parenting.
Don't get me wrong though I do discipline her when necessary and will tell her no. She hates it and will cry immediately, same with if DP does it,

My issue I guess is that now he has it in his head she is this way with him because of me and it now has me doubting my own parenting and makes me feel like I shouldn't be around as much.

Any advice?
I hope it's just a phase but if there's anything I can do to help I'd like to try. Feel a bit gutted really that DP feels rejected by DD and has decided it's because of my actions.

For context if the two of them are together on their own she's completely fine with him.

I think on stuff like rules about eating dinner, you really need to be a united front! Maybe have a chat + agree on what the rules are (eg you will stay sitting until you've finished/ everyone has finished/ you've eaten half/ whatever) and then both stick to them equally.

Could you maybe encourage them to start something together? Like he takes her for an ice cream on a Saturday, or he does some little special thing just with the 2 of them? Might help both him + DD to feel they have a special bond too.

Dynamics will change as she grows up, though, so don't worry too much. I understand he feels upset tho x

In regards to him being strict and you not being, I dont think that will really be causing it

I am the really soft one (im the mum) my partner is stricter (dad) however my son behaves with me how your DD does with your partner. Im not my sons favourite in any way shape or form and i have felt exactly how your husband does. We are coming out of the other side of this now and I'm slightly over it. I've stopped mithering my son and do you know the saying playing hard to get. Well seems to work with my son however I didn't do this intentionally, I just stopped vying for his attention cause I felt like it hurt me when he pushed me away. Babies/toddlers are unreasonable but it gets better. They dont understand the 'favourites' thing they are just doing what makes them feel most comfortable, ITS NOT PERSONAL is what your husband needs to understand. Tell your husband it wont be like this forever

It's not that. They are just asserting their preferences because they are tiny dictators that like power. It's a very good job they're cute.

It's a phase, it will pass. He just has to be present, kind, trustworthy and she will come around.

DD was a total mummy's girl until we all got norovirus, DH first. He recovered, I couldn't do anything. So he looked after a vomiting child and had her needs met and her comfort sorted for three days. After that, daddy's girl. He wasn't competing with me but he saw he was there for her.

He needs to start spending 1:1 time with her on his own doing a fun activity. My DH would take our eldest to the zoo once a month. It builds the bond and trust.

Kids tend to favour one parent over the other. My 2 were all for me until about 3 and then it was all about dad. He's more fun than me mainly because I'm doing more functional boring stuff.

I think you need to beware the good cop bad coo thing. It's worth getting on the same page about parenting and boundaries otherwise is bloody confusing. They can do x with you but get told off if they do it with dad. It's not fair on DC.

It's also developmental - the preference changed (in my experience) as the children grew up.

Your husband needs to remember that he is the adult in this situation, your child is two, and he needs to stop taking it personally. Young children - pretty much all of them - have a stage like this at some point, and it's up to the parents to present a united front, be there for the child, and not take it out on each other. I get it must be hard for him but he really has to do better than this immature reaction, which is damaging his relationship with both his child and his wife

Edit - forgot to mention that the mixed messages on dinner etc aren't helping. You should agree a line (she has to stay at the table for X time, eat Y amount) and both enforce it

DP needs to stop taking it personally and realise it is a normal phase that passes (fixation on one parent, usually mum). The biggest step in becoming a better parent is realising that it's rarely most important how you feel about something, but how the DCs feel, and how you can support them. DP needs to park his feelings or he will be resentful.

Thank you all

I'm definitely going to take a step back and think about how I act with her if he is around when it comes to enforcing things together. I don't think it's often but DP clearly does and believes this is the reason that DD is like this with him now.
I know I won't be totally innocent in it all, learning to be a parent myself at the same time DD is learning to be a child.

I'm a bit upset that DP has put the blame for it all on me. Hoping I can find something to send he can read so he can see it's a normal phase. I sort of feel now like I can't cuddle her/comfort her when she wants it because DP will see it as me mollycoddling her. Probably overthinking it all now

I know I won't be totally innocent in it all

Except the likelihood is that you are. Because almost all children do this at some point.

| don't think the strict/not strict thing is going to be it - I am by far the strictest out of me an my ex, and the kids have always preferred me.

Honestly (and it's one of the reasons he's an ex) I think it's because he doesn't really treat them as people, he just expects them to do as they're told, when they're told, and otherwise largely doesn't think about them. He can also be a bit rough/quick to escalate if there is an issue rather than taking 2 seconds to look at what's going on and be reasonable.

I don't think toddlers feel particularly secure with shouting parents either op.

He can't lump it all on you, if he read a book about child development he'd see that preferences and asserting them is typical toddler behaviour but I guess he hasn't even tried to understand any of that so he's making crap up to absolve his own poor choices in how he communicates.

I find a lot of fathers seem to think children should just do what they're told, it doesn't work like that and taking that stance forever doesn't bode well at all.

My toddler prefers me right now. He's the same age. It's been about six months of a HARD preference for me. Daddy went from being able to do anything to not being able to do anything. He couldn't do bedtime. He couldn't do nursery drop off. He couldn't do night wakes. He wouldn't even go downstairs for breakfast with Daddy anymore, or let him read stories. It was pretty rough for us both, to be honest, he didn't let anyone else do anything and he'd shout NOT YOU DADDY or NO NOT DADDY.

It did start getting to DH and he made a veiled suggestion that perhaps it was because I'm too soft on him, and because I still breastfeed him sometimes. I shut that down!

I encouraged DH to start doing things on his own with DS. It was a bit of a sell for DS initially but they started going to the park for a few hours, or a local NT, or morning clubs, and then occasionally they've spent short days together. It has really helped. DS is now much warmer to Daddy - although he will still choose me for lots of things - and DH is learning how to be more toddler-friendly too. His childhood was quite strict and strange, and I think he applies a lot of that by default.

Said with kindness, if this is your first DC you may both be being a bit unrealistic as to why it's happening because in your life before now, cause and effect was likely the only way you knew how to unpack things. But this is not cause and effect. It's child development. And as others keep saying, it isn't anything you've done. It's a normal /common developmental stage in human childhood. Chill. And tell DP to stop being a dick blaming you.

My DD was horrible to DH for years. Lovely when I wasn't there.
Tell your DP it's not as personal as it feels right now - she has no idea how hurtful this is. It's extremely common and is just a phase that will pass.
Make sure they get 1:1.time so he gets to experience the good bits too.
DD loves her Dad now and is quite mortified by tales of her beastliness as a child.

DP blaming you for your two year old acting like a two year old is ridiculous.

Small children absolutely should have a strong attachment to a primary care giver. Both my kids were just the same t this age. The difference the second time around my husband knew it was just how things are and didn't take it personally. It has meant less stress for everyone.

I also agree with the previous poster who said dad's can just expect to be obeyed and get angry when that doesn't happen. I read a lot of books and online resources to understand babies and small children and developed a lot of strategies on how to manage them. I also know which fights to pick. As a result I didn't need to shout every time I was disobeyed, but my kids always fall in line anyway.

Look up parental preference- it’s very common.