DD4 struggling with school taster sessions

[CountessSingingCloud]

DD4 starts school in September. She's had terrible separation anxiety in the past and took months to settle in to her pre-school, although she loves it there now.

The new school have done two stay and play sessions recently for the new starters to help them prepare for September, and both times I've tried to encourage DD to go in without me while I wait just outside the classroom but she's become really panicky and tearful and insisted I go in with her, so I have.

As we were leaving last time the class teacher asked if next time (there's one final stay and play next week, last time she'll visit before starting properly) I could just be firm and leave so that DD experiences being there without me, to better help prep her for her first week. She said if she gets really distressed and won't settle she'll call me to come and collect her.

I'm up for trying this and can see it makes sense. But what do I tell DD beforehand? Obvs I can't lie and tell her I'll stay with her again. Do I start talking to her now about how she'll be visiting school on her own next week, giving her time to get her head around it but likely causing her worry and dread, or do I gloss over it until drop off and then firmly tell her I'm going now, you'll be fine and your teacher will take good care of you? Which approach likely to be more successful?

The latter.
Maybe tell her you are going to the shop to buy her a treat for when you collect her?
Also a transition toy / object to take with her, something that can stay in her pocket?

Yes I think you should leave her let the teacher take her in and see how she gets on try and not overly reassure her because she might pick up on that, just say that there is a thing on for all the children at school today. If she asks if you are going say just the children/new friends and you will be there at home time.

My DD was like this. Definitely the latter.

And tbh, if DD was really distressed, I would stay. It's over two months until they start reception. What you want is to create an experience that is positive for DD in that environment, not one that taps into fears that she has.

I think it's hard for people who don't have a child like this to understand that forcing them to do things before they are ready is counterproductive. It increases their anxiety.

September will be different. There will be a clearer expectation that parents leave, more of a routine to the school day and a regular experience for DD.

If it took her a while to settle into nursery, the same might be true of school, but you know that with a bit if time, she will get there

She's had terrible separation anxiety in the past and took months to settle in to her pre-school

What did you do when she was struggling at pre-school?

I would leave her with the teacher and let her know you will be back again soon to collect her, just like all the other children's mums and dads. Normalise the fact school is a place she goes without you, just like pre-school, and you can't wait to hear about all the things she's been doing while she was there.

Stay with her.

There is no way a morning now will have any effect on her in September. She will have forgotten.

By September she will be a little older. Spend the last week of the holiday talking about school and reading books about it. Don't make a big deal now .

You need to be matter of fact when you take her. You can validate her feelings by saying that you know it feels scary but think of something dull to say you need to do while she is having fun. She has met the teacher now so you can hand her over and ask them what they are going to do, big it up and tell her you will see her afterwards.

I totally agree with this.

There's absolutely no point in putting her through this now. If anything I think it make things worse in September.

What did you do when she was struggling at pre-school?

@Whinge just persevered basically - which meant months of very emotional drop offs. Early on I'd sit on the steps with her and gently try to talk it through with her/persuade her and then later I had to switch to one quick hug, hand her over to pre-school staff and quickly leave, hearing her screaming for me. So pretty horrible. She would settle after I left, but after a while she just became completely non-verbal whilst there. I guess it must have been a coping mechanism. Spoke to GP about this who pretty much dismissed it. I agonised about taking her out but thought starting all over again at a new setting might be even harder.

Anyway fast forward to now and she's happy as a clam at preschool and recently started talking there again, in fact she's very chatty. But just scared if I push too hard with school she'll shut down in the same way.

I don't agree that she won't remember by September - she's 4, not 2. My DD could still tell you about her taster sessions 2 years on. I would follow the teacher's advice, it's not going to be productive for you to keep staying with her if that's not an option in September, it'll be setting her up to expect that.

I wouldn't pre-warn her with lots of notice. She'll just get upset. Talk about what she liked doing and maybe chat about how good it will be to go back and see the teacher/do the activities next week.
On the day, give her lots of reassurance and at drop off say that you're going to be nearby but not come in this time so she gets more time to play and you'll enjoy hearing all about it when she comes out. It probably won't work, but if you have a clinger (I did) it gets gradually easier..

Stay with her. Leaving her won’t help when September is such a long way off and it’s all a bit confusing when they’re so little and don’t have a great grasp of time but you do risk her holding onto to a bad experience and getting anxious about school. You want it to be a fun and positive experience. Then read books about starting school over the summer and by September she’ll be 3 months older, hopefully excited and all will be fine.

When was she 4?

Tbh i'd be debating holding her back is she's summer term born. Sounds like she needs a bit more time to get used to the idea.

Also until compulsory school age you can take them as much as you want to school. Nothing school can do. If your lifestyle allows i'd be considering a very gentle phase in for her to full time school, so althoigh she starts school in September, it doesn't have to be full time.

As for next week. Personally i'd be talking about school and the things she did there, how it was really fun. If she wants to do something (painting), encourage it for her 'school day' next week. Just make school an exciting place. Maybe conpare it to pre school. I wouldnt talk about leaving her. But just make sure the transition day doesnt pop up as a surprise.

I'd stay, you want her first experiences of school to be happy and positive.

She's going to be distressed in September regardless of whether you stay or leave in June. So why miss out on the opportunity for her to form some happy associations with school now?
It's not like being firm and leaving her to cry now is going to prevent upset in a couple of months.

Just read your update about your dd refusing to talk at pre-school for a while, and that persevering did work in the end.

I had years of emotional drop offs with dd screaming for me. It is, as you say, pretty horrible and no amount of promise of treats or appeals to 'look at all the other children playing' calm a panicky and tearful four year old.

She'll build up better associations with the school/teacher by feeling secure there which, at the moment, means you being there.

Exactly what WhittyFatball says - you leaving her there now isn't going to make her go in by herself in September, so why put her and yourself through that?