Don’t feel bonded - what is normal?

[Nightowly]

My little boy is now 7 weeks old.
I was very lucky and had an extremely smooth pregnancy and birth physically, but mentally I really struggled. I struggled with the impending huge life changes, worries about loosing myself, my free time and just generally feeling out of control and way out of my comfort zone. This all happened when the reality of pregnancy and having a baby hit! i spent 80% of my pregnancy in a state of anxiety and ruminating all day about how awful I was worried life would be, my life is over etc.

Its turned out to be not as bad as I thought, albeit very challenging and the lack of sleep is tough.
I thought I would ‘hate it’ but I don’t, it’s just tough.
I just don’t feel this connection or closeness to my baby like people say. I get quite anxious when he cries and I just feel like I’m looking after someone else’s baby that I’ll hand back soon.
I have an overwhelming need to care for him of course, but I don’t feel ‘love’ or a ‘bond’ I feel just very neutral.
Next week, I’m going for a spa day and my MIL is looking after baby. I’m really looking forward too it but I feel guilty as I feel like I should want to be at home with my baby all the time, not want to leave him for the day to go for a spa day. I just feel really strange and I can’t quite explain it, I just feel like there’s a baby that lives with me now that I have to look after that’s an inconvenience , not much else. I really don’t want to feel like this and I hate it :(
Is this at all normal?

I didn't feel like you during pregnancy, I didn't struggle mentally, but "I have an overwhelming need to care for him of course, but I don’t feel ‘love’ or a ‘bond’ I feel just very neutral" I felt like that, I can't remember how long for though, it might not have been as long as seven weeks, but it might have been.

I did have a "rush of love" but it was more towards my partner than the baby (and with the second baby it was towards the first!). I didn't hate the baby, and as you say I desperately wanted to take care of him, but it was like he was a small animal I had been entrusted with. It did change, I couldn't have loved him more by the time I went back to work and he is now 16 and banging on the piano in the other room. For me, it sounds weird, but there was a point when his soul seemed to enter his body and he became a person (my second seemed a person all along).

Posters will probably mention PND, and it might very well be that, but I don't have any experience to share of that as it wasn't that for me.

I felt the rush of love for my first but was quite traumatised by my second birth and didn’t get the same feelings for my second not for quite a while afterwards. I remember feeling a bit disconnected. It did pass though.

Talk to your midwife , they are there to provide support .

I have an overwhelming need to care for him of course, but I don’t feel ‘love’ or a ‘bond

An overwhelming need to care for him is love.

I think this is really normal but hardly anyone vocalises it. My mate told me that she didn't get the 'gush' until her child turned one, just before I had mine. I clung to that bit, it didn't happen for me until about 9 months. I always wanted them to be cared for / looked after but there was certainly no overwhelming gush of love in the beginning.

Completely agree with what others have said - I think this is really normal and not many people talk about it. I was so relieved that a friend had told me that this was how she felt with her first before I had mine, it made me feel a lot less alone.

Those early weeks/months are really hard - your life has changed beyond recognition and you are doing everything for this tiny baby who can’t yet respond to you.

Yes this is a good point. ‘Love’ is such a subjective thing to try and describe! He’s tiny, he’s not yet an actual ‘person’ that you can love the personality of. Just a cute blob at the moment 🤣 so yes, what you’re describing as the overwhelming need to care for him is probably exactly the feeling that another person would describe as huge protective love.

Everyone feels differently, so try not to worry too much, but it does sound as if you’ve dealt with huge anxiety through pregnancy so it might be a good idea to talk to the midwife.

And 7 weeks is still tiny but it’s also a long time of sleep-deprived baby slog! The spa sounds like a good idea!

Oh yes and also totally normal to feel as if everyone else is in baby bliss but you feel slightly weird and disconnected and analyse how you feel. I know I did. It’s when those feelings start to make you miserable or you DON’T feel the overwhelming urge to care for baby that you should take notice of.

It sounds like you and your lovely wee boy will be fine ❤️

I think this is normal and I’m fairly vocal about it.

Baby 1, I didn’t hate the pregnancy but I didn’t expect or have “a rush of love” or bonding. I felt incredibly responsible for my baby but no bond and I didn’t mind being apart from her (it was a relief) even though she was breastfed. The adjustment to losing a lot of myself and my life was tough. The most beautiful love absolutely grew though.

Baby 2, the love was instant BUT I think that’s because I knew how amazing it would be and had experienced the love before.

I have an overwhelming need to care for him
This is your bond. Love will come.
I was very happy to hand my baby over to other people for the first few months of her life. A day away would have been bliss.
I was perplexed by this small tyrant yet would have walked over fire to keep her safe.
I think you're doing just fine.

I have an overwhelming need to care for him

You definitely have a bond. This doesn't mean that the vast majority of parenting isn't a dull boring slog but you are bonded.

I didnt 'fall in love' with any of my 3 DD's until they were around 6 months old and had started to develop their own little characters! Just had an 'oh i love you' moment at some point with each of them, when they laughed/smiled/did something cute one day.

Is he smiling yet OP? I remember things getting much easier mentally when they start to smile, as opposed to those first few weeks when they either seem to be sleeping, feeding or pissed off.

I felt like this, I suspect because I was so tired from long labour and then emcs, and unwell afterwards, plus I was largely on my own all week and I felt out of control and bored frankly. I took care of my babies because I was responsible for their existence and faked it all until one day, many weeks in, I realised I did love them after all. It certainly was not that instant "rush of love" that people talk about.
It will come in time, but do spend lots of time interacting with your baby when he is awake. It helps when they start smiling and showing some personality.

I don’t think anything you’ve said is at all abnormal. I was googling ‘adoption services’ at seven weeks. Bonds take time to build. At the moment you have a tiny, non-verbal creature who’s entirely dependent on you for all the needs s/he can’t tell you about. I think DS was closer to one than birth when I realised I did, utterly love him.

I needed to go to London for a day’s research when DS was a few months old (we’d left London not long after he was born while I was still on mat leave). Not only did I get so absorbed I barely thought of DS, I automatically got on the tube home to our old flat afterwards, and only remembered halfway that in fact I now had a baby and lived an hour out of London by train.😀

I felt like this the second time, can totally relate to the looking after someone elses baby. This one was my second and i had the guilt of my first being left out. I would say it took me a good 5 months to get that rush of love people describe. Newborns are really quite boring and its relentless, my second wasnt even that tough. Anyway im 7 months in now and I love her so much. Dont be so tough on yourself.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! Helps when you realise you aren’t alone.
glad it all fell into place for people! So nice to read

@SatinHeart he has just started to give the odd smile, and I immediately seem to switch and just want to stare at him and make him smile more 😊
Just can’t help but get swept by emotions and frustration when he’s screaming and I either don’t know why or there seems to be no reason.

@AlliumLake im glad it isn’t just me. Some points I’ve thought to myself “I’ll have to get him adopted, there’s no other option” then I’ll Google whether people get babies adopted if they can’t cope. It’s so sad but in the moment very hard to deal with.
I have, a couple of times parked the car and almost walked off, forgetting I needed to take the baby 😅

@TheCultureHusks that’s exactly it, I am analysing how I feel constantly.

I definitely don’t feel miserable, just in those tough moments I feel sad and like I’ll never feel like me again.

@Okayornot thank you for being honest about being bored - I am so bored but feel bad that I feel that way. I see others so happy out and about going to all these groups etc and just loving spending every minute around babies, playing with toys etc. I’m finding it really boring at the moment which I don’t think is helping.
I’ve always been a career person and I’m struggling with the whole being at home and not doing much!

I’ve always been a career person and I’m struggling with the whole being at home and not doing much!

This was really tough for me. Friends went to all those baby groups and enjoyed them but to me they just felt like filler. I ended up returning to work when my oldest was 5 months old while all my colleagues took a year. I took longer with the next one as I think by then I really understood how fast this period goes, and having a three year old meant I had something to do other than just waiting for a baby to wake up!

OP, think about going back to work earlier, if it’s really not working for you? I did, and that’s when motherhood began to be enjoyable. I was never meant to be a SAHP.

You have an overwhelming feeling to care for him

You feel guilty for going out when you should want to be at home with him

Mama, you DO have a bond with your baby!

I know as soon as my son hit 8 weeks I went out weekly, and I would feel guilty as other mums could “dream” of leaving their babies. I felt guilty, but couldn’t wait for a break!

What you are feeling is totally normal. Pregnancy and newborn stage isn’t all sunshine and roses, maybe you are waiting for a feeling you assume you’d feel but In reality it’s not what you thought

i think the feeling of looking after someone else’s baby and not sure what you’re doing left when my boy was about 4.5 months!

I will add if you are struggling and still feel this way in another few weeks please reach out to HV. I had support with my HV team which really helped

My first born I didn't 'love intensely ' until
He was 7 months old , before that I just loved him like a would nephew but my second born was straight away love !
You'll get there eventually but I do think it's pretty normal just no body wants to admit it !

@Nightowly

its more common that most people admit. It would be better if it was talked about more than the'gush of love' as soon as they pop out! Of course that happens, but certainly not to everyone!

For some it's a slow burn & you just realise one day that you feel differently, for others it's a specific 'thing' that happens (like a beaming smile, them saying mummmmm' or a toddler bashing into them at a play group and how you feel.

It'll come, and in the meantime he's fine!!

if you're bored (and many people are) could you study something either for work or that you're just interested in? Go places you want like Galleries & Museums? ( my thing, but...) shopping, National Trust... for YOU, you don't have to go to 'baby' groups! TRY to make the most of your time in a way you'll enjoy!

I remember having given birth looking across at him sleeping and thinking, what on earth? Definitely no gush of love - and for the first year I wondered what I had been thinking having a baby as he was a nightmare. The second year wasn't all roses to be fair but once they start walking and talking they do become a lot more interesting!

Now he's 18 and amazing!

I had the overwhelming love with my first, but not with the second which I found hard. It took time with her but it did come with time.

You are caring for him - that's the main thing