Controlling XH refusing to pay CM

[Didibluex]

Hi all,
I currently live in a rented property which I am moving from due to damp/mould issues despite constantly ventilating and never drying clothes indoors (the temperature never used to go above 12 degrees in winter even with the heating constantly on). I found a much better property which is in a nicer condition and area. It’s also right beside a school with an outstanding ofsted rating.

XH has always been controlling and vindictive. However I’ve always tried to keep the peace for DS sake.

I informed him of the new move as will need to look at nurseries for ds1 to attend in September (he’s 3 soon so hasn’t started nursery yet). XH lives 16 miles away from my current address and where I will be moving to will be 17 miles away from where he lives (it’s in the neighbouring town to where I currently live).

He hasn’t taken this news well and demanding I stay where I live so ds can attend the nursery we viewed a few weeks ago. He said he won’t accept any other nursery and I need his permission to register him to any. He usually picks ds up from mine and has him 1-2 days on a weekend but regularly cancels. I used to drive and collect ds halfway but could no longer afford my car so he offered to pick him up/drop him off from mine if I reduced his child maintenance by £50 which I did (he currently pays £200 less than what he is supposed to).

He’s now saying that this 32 mile round trip is apparently costing him £30 in petrol (so £60 each weekend) and now he’s refusing to pay any maintenance because of it. He has said if I want any child maintenance then I need to drop off/ pick up ds from a location half way between us. He lives in the middle of nowhere so this halfway location requires 2 buses (one only runs hourly) and an underground. It will probably take 90 minutes each way compared to a 15 minute drive for him. Ds2 is 3 months so this is going to be a nightmare.

He’s also sending messages how I don’t buy anything for ds1 and use all of his child maintenance on myself (not true). He made some very nasty false allegations up the day after I left him which were proven malicious. He’s started keeping ds clothes/shoes I have bought when he goes to stay at his and won’t return them.

Has anyone got any advice? I plan on going to CMS but knowing him he will make another false allegation as a revenge and I really don’t need that stress. Thanks in advance :)

You just need to go through CMS. Document all his stupid shenanigans, only communicate with him in writing where possible. Continue to live your life putting the needs of your child and yourself first. Treat him as a small and annoying fly.

Just go through CMS and make him pay what he should. I believe there is some app which you can set up to contact him with child related stuff (hopefully someone can tell you what it is called) and then you can block him everywhere else.

Yes, CMS TODAY.

Start a notes thread with all his bullshit. Mine has texts, recordings from cameras and dates/times of stuff he's said to the kids.

Go through the child maintenance service. Yes he will throw his toys out of the pram. But just ignore it. You don't have to engage and you don't have to justify how the money is spent. Your son is fed warm dressed etc. just ignore the bull shit. And just respond about context and Information that needs to be shared. It won't be easy but he will get it in the end. Don't give him the reaction he is after. Just say communication with him is difficult so you are going through the proper channels so that you both know where you stand.

Thanks all, it’s exhausting having to deal with him. He just seems to want to make my life a misery 😞

Also, regarding nurseries do I need his permission to enroll ds into one? There is no child arrangements order in place but a signed contact order via solicitors which names me resident parent. He’s saying he will take me to court and I need his permission.
Any advice greatly appreciated :)

It is very common for controlling / abusive men to continue to exert these behaviours after separation. So what you describe is not unusual. The only way to deal with arseholes like this is to go through CMS and then stop any further communication with them except for child contact arrangements.

Ignore all threats.

Let him take you to court if he wants to.

I'll bet you my last 50p he won't.

Go to CMS like the others have said. He can submit travelling expenses and have that deducted off his payment but it sounds like you'd still be better off than you currently are.

Enrol you child in the nursery most convenient to you since you have I'll be the primary caregiver. The fact that he's kicking up such a fuss over a mile is ridiculous. Let him take you to court document everything in case he does. He probably won't bother. Do not let him bully you into travelling 90 minutes with a baby and a toddler when he can do the journey in 15. I very much doubt a court will ask that of you either so let him apply to court. It'll probably bite him on the ass.

Thanks all for your advice. The main concern of going to CMS is that xh is from a non Hague Convention country and already obtained a passport from his home country for ds without my consent via his embassy. I spoke to my solicitor and even with a prohibitive steps order, there is nothing stopping him jumping on a plane home with ds and never returning. As I have no solid proof he would potentially abduct ds I can’t stop contact. I’m worried applying for CMS would send him over the edge and he would potentially take ds back to his home country.😔

He needs your permission to take DS out of the country as you would need his to take DS of the country unless you have a lives with order.

My dsis has an ex who was like yours so I fully understand how horrific it can be.
Ex did practically nothing, didn't want to pay CMS, used threats inc threats of violence, an all round horrible human being.
Dsis suffered horrendous mental health issues due to his behaviour, it really wears you down.
Dsis put up with it until her DC were old enough to sort out their visits directly with him.
Don't be my Dsis.
You need to claim CMS & ignore him regarding the nursery as you are the primary resident parent.
Let him take you to court, the chances are that he won't, it'll be expensive but just in case, log everything he does and says.
He'd hopefully get a nasty shock if he does go down the court route.
You can use a parenting app for communication but in the meantime use text ot WhatsApp.
As for taking your DC out of the country, have you thought about going to court yourself for an order, it would take that power out of ex's hands, get a child arrangements order and have it legally set in stone?

I agree also with communicating only about your DC.

Ignore any trying to upset you.

Block on phone/text. Go only through email, or even better a contact app. I've just had to block mine on email as well as phone and that he has to go through a contact app, as it can all be down loaded for court purposes and it was in the mediation documentation. But he's refused, so I've blocked him anyway, because his name in my emails, even his own folder was causing me anxiety.

He has all the details of the app, and I wrote out instructions on how to download and gave him the trouble shooting and customer service contact. Last communication was that it didn't work. Funny how my brother could make it work.

You can get a CAO from the court yourself to prevent him from leaving with DC. If you suspect he is intending to, with this document it will be classed as abduction and the police will alert airports. These cost around £300. I do not know the laws about non Hague convention places, once left so contact citizens advice and a solicitor if you can.

Please don't give him more than you need to. Do not allow him to rule your life. I allowed it for 8 years, I am now in therapy. Don't be me. Look up 'gray rock'.

Sending you lots of luck OP.

Go through cms but be prepared he could be granted petrol money being taken off his claim.

You can use whatever childcare you need to on your days. When it's school time he does have a right to have a day.

How old is your child? I would be tempted to put a tracker on him if this is the case with an alert if it goes near an airport- if it does call the police

Sorry just re read that he is one. Do you share buggy? You can put a tracker in there. Or put an old iPhone in baby's change of clothes bag 'in case he wants to watch something' but have find my iPhone installed on their.

He obviously needs to feel in control. I would write to him saying

'I hear your concerns about changing nurseries as I understand we both like the one near my old home. We both want the best for baby but to attend that nursery would either mean staying in a cold damp home, which would be bad for baby's health, or putting baby through a long drive/bus journey twice a day which won't be good for baby. I have found a lovely nursery near our lovely safe new home. Would you like to visit it first and then perhaps we can arrange a mediation session to discuss any concerns you might have about the new nursery, and our finances, and arrangements for drops offs? As baby's dad your opinion is really important and I want to listen to your views and for us to both be on the same page. '

The reply I just wrote above shows you are child centred and willing to listen and work with him using the appropriate channels

Just re read again and see you child is three. Even more reason to emphasize the outstanding school and encourage him to visit that too

You've got many years of this to come so it will pay to nip this in the bud asap. He will continue to find any and all reasons to exert control over you and retain what he feels is the upper hand because he has a screw loose. That's not going to change, so you need to change the way you deal with him.

Don't try to reason with him, he will never be reasonable and you will tie yourself in mental knots and wear yourself thin trying. As others have said, there's only one remedy for this and it's ignore, record and just keep your head down. Don't offer him any chink in the armour to get his hooks into. If he's being "nice" it's an act to pull you back in, don't believe it. He will trade on trying to get you to believe you're an unfit mother, don't belive this either. You're doing fine, he know's its your achilles heel.

Unless you absolutely need to contact him, don't bother. Keep your head down and crack on, you're the main carer and you are not legally bound to live the rest of your life through him.

If he would like to take you to court (he won't) then that's fine. They won't throw you in prison, it's not a threat, and you'll have plenty of documented unreasonable behaviour to help your case by that point.

Re the taking him out of the country I have no experience of this, but would seek all the professional advice you can on this one, Let CMS take it from here re the maintenece and throw any energy you've got at this possibility, for peace of mind.