10 year old meltdowns

[PaddingtonsHat]

I need wisdom/help/advice.

We are having real problems with dd10 and I’m not sure what to do.

At least every other day she will have a huge tantrum over, well anything really. These episodes last a couple of hours and typically involve screaming, shouting, lashing out and swearing. She calls dh and I all the names under the sun, claims we don’t care about her and everyone hates her. Nothing we say or do makes any difference- she won’t be hugged, and if we leave her to it she says we don’t care.

School say she is fine, although they have agreed to an ELSA. There have been usual 10 year old girl arguments and bitchiness, which seem short lived.

She is loved and when not in the midst of a meltdown is lovely, although has always been strong willed. There is no obvious trigger to this.

I am trying to find a psychologist to help but it’s proving a slow process- has anyone got any advice? I have read the explosive child but avoiding the explosions is so difficult because it can literally be anything. The whole family are exhausted and my ds6 is terrified of her when she’s off on one.

Thanks

Food? Hormones? Could be pmt starting?
Friends?
Does she do any sport hobbies?

Needs a team sport or gymnastics or swimming.
Something.

She's obviously having friendship problems.

Do you have her friends round to the house?

Does she have a phone?

She dances 4 hours per week, does swimming and karate. No phone- which is a big bone of contention but not negotiable.
Friends are welcome and if she is playing out will often bring them in. We don’t really do play dates as such- never really restarted post covid- so maybe that would help

Could she be tired?

Does she get much down time/early nights?

My first thought was perhaps she is starting puberty and this is hormones?

Since she's obviously getting your attention with these tantrums can you just ignore her?

She could be tired- especially when these episodes delay bedtime- but she does get plenty of downtime in which she tends to watch tv or read or go to the park.

Gah I’m not ready for hormones. If this is the start teen years will kill me. Think I’ll get her some starflower oil to try thanks

I can. DH struggles to. We’ve had to turn off ‘broadcast’ on Alexa because she will strop at the entire household via this route.

Think maybe she's over stimulated.
A lot of sport. Needs quiet time with friends at home. Play dates. And friends round with their parents.
Invite friends round whose parents you like. Have a group at home.
Otherwise teen years she will be out constantly. And you'll never see her.

Any other signs of neurodivergence? Is she totally burnt out and these are autistic meltdowns rather than tantrums?

I’ve scored her on ASD/ ADHD questionnaire. She’s very sociable and outgoing and no really obvious ASD traits.
ADHD is a possibility I guess- again nothing from school that suggests but from reading this could be emotional dysregulation and I suspect could be doing better at school than just ‘ok’. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m pushy- her activities are things she wants to do and she enjoys, and as long as she is happy at school I’m not bothered about academics. Im worried about labelling her with neurodivergence as a ‘solution’

Bluntly, are tantrums even a thing for neurotypical 10 year olds?

Op if you haven't already I would talk to your GP to go on the waiting list for an assessment. If she doesn't have ASD/ADHD then she won't be diagnosed with it

Mine is very sociable but you can still be overstimulated.
Three different activities is three different cultures and groups of people.

It's exciting while you do it.

But over stimulates you.

Kids talk so much now. It's overwhelming.

If she's starting with periods then ...

We had a much less stimulating childhood.

Can you focus on two activities rather than three?
And see friends at home instead with their parents?

I self referred to Camhs a few months ago so suspect we will hear when she turns 17

Yes they are!

My eldest had massive tantrums around this age and seems to have relaxed a bit as she got older.

Is she in year 6 @PaddingtonsHat ? I think there's quite a few friendship issues then, they're all a bit sick of each other after 7 years together before they move on the secondary.

Mine definitely had worse tantrums in Y6 and 7 than she does now in year 9. We did a bit of work on breathing, body scans and I bought her v one of those destress things that you rub on your wrists, which seemed to help, even if it's just psychological.

I'm not saying she's not neurodiverse, but tantrums don't necessarily mean they are.

Tantrums can definitely be a thing for hormonal pre teens. Not everything is neurodivergence

DD is 10 and as of the last couple of months she is very very moody!

I wouldn't call them tantrums but very easily offended or upset over teeny tiny things, happy one minute, crying because I didn't psychically know that she wanted to do something without her ever mentioning it or showing any interest.

It looks very like hormones to me and has encouraged me to have more frequent and open (and short) conversations with her about periods and sex and puberty and so many other things that make her roll her eyes and tell me how embarrassing I am. Also bought a stash of period pants for her to 'just put in a drawer ready for when you need them', that also got rolling eyes and sighs of exasperation.