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Parenting

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Coparent asking daughter to keep secrets

14 replies

ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 07:19

Hiya, advice please. My ex and I have been broken up for 6 years, it's not been an easy 6 years with him. Recently he has moved in with a friend who he is house sharing with. Our daughter stayed with him at his house for the first night and that same night the house was broken into whilst she was in bed sleeping. The only reason I know about this is because when she came back from spending the weekend with him she told me. However, she was told by her Dad that it is a secret and she is not allowed to tell me this has happened. She also told me the police came to the house but he took her to the park so the police didn't know she was at the house when it happened. This has made me furious. I have given my ex partner every opportunity to be open and tell me about the incident as I believe I should be made aware this has happened whilst our daughter was there. Not only this but he has told her to keep secrets from me. This is worrying that he is asking her to keep secrets from me. Luckily me and her have a very strong bond and close relationship that she has been able to be open and tell me this. I am concerned now as to what to do. I have spoken to my daughter about the importance of not keeping secrets from Mummy and Daddy. I have approached my ex and all I have had from him is verbal abuse and that our daughter is a liar.
From a law point of you or social services point of view (UK) how would they deal with a situation like this?
I have had endless issues with this man over the past 6 years. Rape allegations, harassment towards woman allegations, withholding my daughter from me where I've had to get courts and Cafcass involved. I am becoming more and more concerned with his behaviour and would like advice on how I should deal with this. Thank you

OP posts:
llamajohn · 24/06/2024 07:22

How did she know the police came if she was at the park? And how does she know he took her so the police wouldn't know she was there?

CatMumSlave · 24/06/2024 07:26

Rape allegations made by others against your ex?

ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 07:47

llamajohn · 24/06/2024 07:22

How did she know the police came if she was at the park? And how does she know he took her so the police wouldn't know she was there?

She told me this as she has overheard conversations. Either way, if he was protecting her from seeing the police etc this should not have been kept from me. Any advice rather than trying to pick apart my post would be helpful, thank you.

OP posts:
ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 07:48

CatMumSlave · 24/06/2024 07:26

Rape allegations made by others against your ex?

Yes, he was previously at crown court for sexual assault and rape.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/06/2024 07:49

Id have concerns about her staying with another man.

ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 07:57

DustyLee123 · 24/06/2024 07:49

Id have concerns about her staying with another man.

I don't think I have much of a say about this. If her Dad thinks it's safe by law I can't say anything

OP posts:
CatMumSlave · 24/06/2024 08:48

I think you have more to worry about than the
lying about the break in.

Can you get a solicitor and tell them about the accusations and also her staying with her dad while another man is there?

How old is dd?

ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 09:25

CatMumSlave · 24/06/2024 08:48

I think you have more to worry about than the
lying about the break in.

Can you get a solicitor and tell them about the accusations and also her staying with her dad while another man is there?

How old is dd?

It feels like there are endless issues with him. It's constant and every time I approach him I get abuse and threats of taking me to court.

She is only 6. I have taken legal advice and have been told that I can withhold contact until he takes me to court however because they are only allegations there is not much that can be done. He has now moved in with his Mum, (her friend) who is a male older man with mental health issues. The property they live in is a house he was given when he came out of a pshychiactric hospital so I'm now even sure if it's allowed everyone living there. There are 3 adults a dog and 2 cats living in a 2 bedroom flat and when she stays with her Dad she sleeps in her Nans bed with her Dad. She has no bedroom, no bed of her own. No toys at the flat, no appropriate footwear or clothing. His life is constantly upside down, he has not had a permanent address for years, when I ask for his new address he refuses to give it to me which by law he doesn't have to apparently.

OP posts:
Greydogs123 · 24/06/2024 09:28

I would withhold contact - let him take you to court. If his life is that chaotic then it seems unlikely he will manage to.

llamajohn · 24/06/2024 09:37

ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 07:47

She told me this as she has overheard conversations. Either way, if he was protecting her from seeing the police etc this should not have been kept from me. Any advice rather than trying to pick apart my post would be helpful, thank you.

I wasn't picking it apart, trying to understand what the situation is... So, like is Dad saying stuff like "oh, we can't be here because of flatmate" you know..in case this random person is a child sex offender or violent or domestic abuse or drug dependent or whatever.

ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 09:39

Greydogs123 · 24/06/2024 09:28

I would withhold contact - let him take you to court. If his life is that chaotic then it seems unlikely he will manage to.

Will I get into trouble by the courts for withholding contact? Im worried how this will also affect my daughter as she does love her Dad.
He recently quit his job and is on benefits so pays minimal in child maintenance £27 a month. I've asked him to spend more time with his daughter which he refused and stopped seeing her for 6 weeks until I changed it back to what suits him. He has previous on his doctor's records for drink and drug abuse. I believe I have good enough grounds to stop contact however I need to be 100% certain as I am going to be putting myself and my family under a lot of pressure once I stop contact as the abuse I will receive from him will not be nice. The lies he will make up about me will be very hurtful. Obviously he has no evidence whereas I have plenty.

OP posts:
CatMumSlave · 24/06/2024 12:30

I don't know how it works but what kind of court would allow your dd to be in his care.

I feel for you both.

llamajohn · 24/06/2024 12:55

ShiningStar1990 · 24/06/2024 09:39

Will I get into trouble by the courts for withholding contact? Im worried how this will also affect my daughter as she does love her Dad.
He recently quit his job and is on benefits so pays minimal in child maintenance £27 a month. I've asked him to spend more time with his daughter which he refused and stopped seeing her for 6 weeks until I changed it back to what suits him. He has previous on his doctor's records for drink and drug abuse. I believe I have good enough grounds to stop contact however I need to be 100% certain as I am going to be putting myself and my family under a lot of pressure once I stop contact as the abuse I will receive from him will not be nice. The lies he will make up about me will be very hurtful. Obviously he has no evidence whereas I have plenty.

Well, if he's willing to not see her for 6 weeks after being asked to spend more time with her .... he won't fight you for any kind of access.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 24/06/2024 13:02

She might well love him, but that’s not reason enough for him to see him I’m afraid. I really wouldn’t be sending her there. I agree he’s unlikely to fight for access. I also think when your daughter is older she will understand why you didn’t want her to go. Keep messages, voice recordings etc.

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