Advice on 2 year old struggling in certain environments

[2under3parent]

Hi, looking for a bit of advice. I have a 2.10 month (so very nearly 3) old. I have discussed with my health visitor a couple of concerns I have and basically I’ve been brushed off.

my concerns are around a few things:

1. she really is very uncomfortable and sometimes scared in the presence of other children and sometimes adults she doesn’t know well. And sometime just certain adults (my mother in law she is just so uncomfortable around no matter what). For example, I try to join in on other activities and mum dates and she’s always the only child that’s persistent With hating it. Sometimes she’s been in an absolute state if we’ve gone to someone’s house so we’ve stopped that. she ran terrified when one tried to play chase her.

She hates other kids coming near her still generally. We have the odd moment where she interacts if it’s a group activity with a couple of children who aren’t paying her direct attention, like chasing bubbles.

2. She can be quite unresponsive to her name. Until recently she flat out didn’t respond, now sometimes she will look at me when I shout her name or say it. She never responds with yes.

3. Her language is slightly delayed, particularly her responsive language. She has improved a lot this month. So for example, if I point at things to say do you want x,y,z she will now say yaaaay to what she wants. She’ll say no etc. to things she doesn’t. She asks me for what she wants lots throughout the day and plays with me, But she still just seems light years behind others.

She is very attached to me so I’m not sure if it’s just that I make it worse sometimes. On the other hand, she can count to 10, knows the alphabet, plays pretends with her dolls and can memorise tv scripts 🤦🏻‍♀️

Any advice I’d really appreciate. I love her exactly as she is but I can’t help thinking that if there is something more than just developmental I want to know so I can help! X

I would say I noticed an absolutely huge difference in my daughter and the other little people of the same age between 3 and 3.5. The same group had known each other since birth and at 3 it was difficult to get them to play next to each other and my daughter would be hidden behind my legs. By 3.5 they were happily running around together making up games together.
At my daughters 3rd birthday one of the boys left early as he wouldn't move away from his mum's knee and was getting upset.

For me this is the transition from toddler to preschooler and I would say it usually happens between 3 and 3.5 there will be some kids that have already started at your son's age but I wouldn't be overly worried

She sounds like she’s going at her own pace.

Not responding to her name is a bit of a red flag for me OP. Does she got to nursery? Can you say your are concerned and ask for their opinion?

Thank you 🙏 that offers some reassurance I’m not missing something! Think my groups of friends just think maybe it’s something more and it makes me feel like the worst parent that I’m not spotting it. Appreciate this

I feel like parents are often the last to realise something isn't right, if your different groups of friends have flagged it then it might be worth exploring it more.

She does semi often respond now, she didn’t for a while. Sometimes she doesn’t still. She went to nursery until she was 2, we’ve had the last year together since I’ve had another baby.

prior to this the nursery didn’t express any concerns

I think I would wait a while and see if she could go to a playgroup. It sounds like she needs more social interraction. I have one little boy who started at 2.4 and cried for weeks. Even at 3.4 he wasn't really playing with other children and then suddenly this year between 3.6 and 4.2 he's really blossomed, found friends, grown hugely in confidence. It takes some a bit longer than others, some children are more sensitive or less naturally social/ extroverted.

I personally would suggest a few mornings a week from Sept/ Jan 24 if possible, and then everyday from Sept 25 in the same place. I would expect it to be hard at first but hopefully she will blossom.

Sept 24/ Jan 25, I meant

Also, is she an August birthday? If so, maybe delaying a year would be a good idea for someone like her.

Yes she is August! Can I do that? I feel like I’ve let her down somehow. We’ve had a baby and moved house in the last 9 months and I’m so worried we’ve spurred something on or delayed her somehow, or that I’m ignoring the obvious. I have a very attached style of parenting I guess in that I go with her flow and haven’t pushed her to venture out because she’s always been so clingy. We don’t have any other children in the family etc or much help really so he social skills probably are quite poor.

Mum guilt is a living breathing thing! Thank you. I’m starting her at nursery two short days in September and I’m hoping either it really helps or they raise some concerns and we can deal with it properly. Thank you!

re your point 1, my daughter was like this until she was about 3. Extremely clingy with me, very suspicious of other adults and children (even family or friends we saw regularly). Even when she did finally feel comfortable enough to play with peers she wouldn’t leave the room without me, it was always “mummy come” and a little arm reaching out for me. She’s now 4.5 and starts school this year and she’s like a different child. She’s still naturally reserved and is very much an observer of new environments rather than a kid who throws herself in, but she really has gained an unbelievable amount of independence and confidence over the last 18m. I never forced her into any situations and always stayed with her when she wanted me to, I think that helped her build confidence in her own time.

You can absolutely defer her start to school (I did with my son). They don't have to skip a year for secondary school, they can stay in their adopted cohort. I cannot recommend enough the Facebook group "flexible admissions for summerborns" they are a whole font if knowledge on the matter and can take you through step by step.

Thanks so much! This is so so helpful. I was quite certain we would need to look deeper neurodivergent until two months ago but she genuinely seems to be making lots of improvements since so now hoping we see some improvement in socials too. I hate to think we’re forcing things that she can’t help rather than trying to improve if that makes sense

I think let her go at her own pace and fight to defer school to 2026. Sometimes it is a fight but it's nearly always possible. You can't underestimate how much confidence being the oldest gives you and it'll give her a whole extra year to grow in confidence, which it sounds like she needs. Everyone is different and the cut off date for school had to be made somewhere. Some Augusts are OK and others aren't. Early years development is so important, I think the extra year for her socially will make a huge difference.

Your daughter sounds similar to my son. He is 2 years 4 months and very scared/ nervous around other adults and children. He hates the Stay and Play we go to, screams/ roars at the other children if they come too near (to be fair, they are normally coming near to take the toy he is playing with.) and does the same with adults even though they are only trying to help him!

He also has a language delay - though his is more of a speech sound disorder I think. He has some odd language quirks too, likes repeating phrases from books and saying the same thing over and over again (though how much of that is just being a toddler I don’t know)

Also, interested in academic things- knows the alphabet, counts to 10, does basic addition and subtraction. He loves reading and I can read to him for hours and hours straight.

No real advice, sorry, just solidarity. My HV is definitely querying Autism. I think he is neuro- diverse but wouldn’t necessarily get an autism diagnosis?

Could be something as simple as glue ear?

Memorising things like the alphabet, TV scripts suggests to me she could be a gestalt language processor. This is very common in children with ASD, extreme social anxiety and being unresponsive to her name are also red flags. Obviously it’s impossible to diagnose from your post but lots of things you’re saying do sound similar to the way ASD presents in girls, I think it’s sensible to raise the concerns with your GP and push for further investigation as waiting lists are usually very long but if she does have any additional needs the earlier the diagnosis the better. Obviously it may be that she just needs time to catch up but I always think it’s better to push for further assessments if a child isn’t developing typically in some areas (in your daughters case it sounds like her social communication with both peers and adults is delayed) than ignore it until any issues have potentially become even more pronounced.

I would look into deferrable but be flexible. At 2 we were pretty certain we would have to defer my august born. She only had 10 words and communicated with pointing. At 3 she was very shy and very hesitant we were 50:50 about deferring but started looking around schools when she was 3 and 3months and around the same time she absolutely blossomed. We were thinking she would be ready to start but might need help. Now we have no concerns at all. She scored very well on her ready for school assessment despite being at the youngest age for the assessment. She starts in a few weeks and no one has any concerns at all.
Those long days when she was 2 and not talking or at 3 and hiding behind my legs feel a life time away.
Going back to nursery might help, change can have an impact on development. The stall in my daughter's development around 2 corresponded with her nursery closing with 20 minutes notices, having no child care for 13 weeks and trying to juggle childcare with working and help from relatives and very understanding employers followed by a house move and a new nursery. The difference in her speech after settling to her new nursery was night and day.