Please help - heartbroken about ten year old DD growing up

[Wiggleroomm]

Dont get me wrong - I know I am blessed to have had such a wonderful, beautiful decade of mothering my little girl but I am absolutely distraught to see how much she has changed and grown in the last year.

She is now 10 years 3 months, her hips are widening and her legs go on forever, she seems to have developed a teenage persona in the way she holds herself and talks. She is beautiful and elegant and has her own style and dry sense of humour.

How did this happen and where has my baby gone? I am heartbroken that she will never come back. No one warned me how painful the tween years would be?

SHe used to cuddle me tight but now stiffens slightly. Every so often the little girl appears again, when she kisses my hands and sponateaously declares she loves me...

I dont want to smother her. I want to let her go and fly off into the world of independance, so I too am changing, taking a step back, cuddling her less (unless she wants more of course)... adjusting the way I talk to her, so it isnt in a babying, patronising tone. It is hard work - she still seems so little!

How do I cope? Will it always feel this painful?

Are the teens years really as dire as everyone makes out? I feel like we only have pain and misery ahead of us until she gets to twenty?

PS. I have a new little baby, born a few weeks ago, so I may just be feeling hormonal? Not sure - I felt it a lot in the pregnancy too!

It feels like grief.

You need to look at it from a different angle. I have a 12 year old and almost 11 year old, both growing up so much. I'm really enjoying spending time with them, we went abroad just the 3 of us for the first time and it was lovely. They enjoyed themselves as children but we also enjoyed meals out together, played cards into the evening, chatted, they're real people now, with ideas and opinions, and not just small people to be looked after.

I'm loving the personal chats we can have, guiding and advising them, opening up their world. I'll always be there for them, up to and beyond adulthood but I like that they're no longer 100% dependent on me.

I do still get wonderful tight, squeezy hugs from both of them, and I love yous, but I do that to my mum too!

Your dd sounds lovely, op. Try not to think too far ahead and take each day as it comes. The tween/teen years aren't always bad and if it's rocky it's not forever. We had some difficult times but I have lovely grown children now.

My advice would be to keep the lines of communication open. Take time to do things alone with her without the baby. Be strict with phone/social media when the time comes as in my experience too much really impacts teens. Emotions can be all over the place when the hormones kick in and being calm and consistent and empathetic makes a huge difference to how your relationship develops.

Thank you. What rules would you suggest around social media ?

I get this. I get it deeply and when I see mine get older it brings so many mixed emotions, and yes, grief for the cute tiny ones no longer are.

But a few years ago I nearly lost my youngest. Facing that prospect very suddenly and starkly made me realise there's only one alternative to them not growing, and it's an awful one.

That's not to belittle your grief - after all that, I still often feel the same. Then I give my head a wobble, remember how lucky we are to have her grow up and look forward to the new exciting thing we'll get to do.

Your tiny one is now growing into a young lady. She actually needs you more than every, but emotionally rather than to carry and cuddle. Enjoy going to the cinema together and watching films you both like rather than unicorn kitten baby tears or something 😂. Go for dinner and discuss everything. And yes, don't hang around when her friend are there, but provide cake and a listening ear wherever she needs it.

I'm trying to convince myself here as much as you (and we are a few years behind!) but you get to be her mum and her friend now. Find common ground and soak in it together. Whether that's films, music, hobbies, something you can do together whilst giving her the chance to talk (if she wants) or just be there.

Leave letting her have a phone as late as possible. Set parental timer controls on phone and always insist on leaving it charging downstairs overnight. You can set a safe mode through your broadband provider to block porn sites etc. Stick to age limits on social media apps and make sure you know how all the apps work and use them yourself. Make dd aware you are the one who provides the phone so you will look through it at any time. Encourage her to report anything that makes her uncomfortable to you. No phones during meals or family times for the whole family. The stricter you are on phone use from the outset the easier it is to stick to the rules. My dc are older now so there may be other things popping up that you need to be aware of. It's a case of always trying to be one step ahead really. Worth the effort as there are links to teens using social media too much having depression and anxiety.