Toddlers and husbands

[myhusbandisanass]

I was just wondering if it's normal for husbands to be terrible at dealing with bad toddler behaviour or is it just mine??

I have a 2 and a half year old and he's going through the bad phases... sometimes head butting people when he's frustrated, occasional swipe to the face, running around screeching, throwing toys, etc. I'm trying my best to not overreact to these outbursts to encourage them and instead try and softly tell him not to, show him to touch gently if he hits, distract him to get him out of the frustrated behaviour when he's not in a place for you to reason with him. My husband on the other hand is just awful and shouts and swears when my toddler does any bad behaviour around him "don't fucking hit me!!", "NO!!" Storms away saying fuck this. My toddler has been saying "go away" to everyone all day for weeks even strangers who say hello. He was taught this phrase by my husband who had been saying go away to him but now my husband is moaning that our toddler is horrible saying that all day. It was him! I loved my husband before having our son but now I am honestly just so upset with him all of the time for his outbursts and short temper. Never seen this in the 9 years we were together before we had our son. He's launched his phone across the room before storming out when I've pulled him up on these types of things in front of our son and I hate it. For that reason I often don't bother starting an argument and grit my teeth.

I just want to know if anyone else has had this and if it will pass or if I should be really concerned? Our toddler is definitely hard work and he isn't the easiest but it's our responsibility to try and set him on the right path and swearing and shouting when he's misbehaving just feels completely wrong. Of course our toddler has got on my nerves a lot too but I tend to just step out the room and cool off and not show him the negativity when it's getting too much for me. I've probably given the odd firm no in these circumstances but never a full on shout or swear. Never aggressive. I just wish he would walk out and cool off and not swear at him.

Swearing and aggressive behaviour to a child is child abuse

Simple as that

Run

Your child is learning this behaviour from his dad.
So you can see what you need to do...

Thanks both I do agree with this. It's hard when the times my toddler is behaving my husband is nice and plays with him, reads him stories. It's just his temper when our toddler is really misbehaving. He will call me out in return if I bring these things up remembering a time I've uttered a swear word under my breath while extremely sleep deprived in the middle of the night or also firmly said NO! to our toddler in the heat of the moment so he would say I'm by no means perfect myself.

I find myself thinking about his upbringing as his parents are separated but still live together and always have. His dad doesn't speak to her and his sister much and they just live like flatmates. His dad was absent in his childhood and always out working or at the pub, he did not interact or have interest in his son or daughter. I on the other hand grew up with parents in a nice relationship. My dad did smack me on a small number of occasions when I was a child which I remember and really don't agree with but otherwise I feel my upbringing was good. The strange thing is my husband happily reads parenting toddler books we buy and when not in his moods is happy to chat parenting and agrees with my suggestions of let's ignore this behaviour etc and he knows and has talked to me about how children are born like animals and need to be taught right from wrong. You can't expect them to behave perfectly from day 1. I was really hoping someone else would say their husband was similar and some people just can't handle toddlers and that it would get better 🥺

I grew up with this and it broke me. My mother would never, ever leave him so thanks to her I was constantly exposed to the emotional abuse. I grew up absolutely terrified. Had a mental health crisis early twenties and couldn't take it any more. Had to break away from my mother. Over a decade zero contact and no regrets - I've rebuilt my life and am now very happy.

My dh adores the kids and would never treat them terribly. You're kidding yourself if you think your dh is normal and if you stay your child could have a similar childhood to mine. Sorry to be brutal but children do need protecting.

When I was not much older than your child I remember being screamed at to shut the fuck up over and over and over again even though I was begging him to stop and so terrified.

I'm 34 now and the memory is still with me. Just stop and think about it for a minute.

Your toddler is behaving the way he does because of his father.

I'd be having serious words with the threat of leaving him if he chooses to continue down this path.

My husband has never behaved like this to our toddler.

You don't need to analyse the man. Protect your kid from the abuse. Read up on what cortisol does to developing brains.

I'm writing this post from the point of view od you staying together. I'm not going to comment on what right or wrong before anyone tries to calm me out on this post.

It sounds like you and dh have different parenting ideas. Is your dh frustrated feeling your method doesn't work and thus goes in a different direction? It blooming hurts being headbutted and I think its ok to shout "no" at this point and not being expected to do the gentle hands talk while you are seeing stars. (Not saying hurling phone and cussing etc is ok) however if your dh feels the gentle method is not working he may try at times and then blow up with frustration when it does occur (again not saying this is correct)

You need a mutual agreement on how you want to parent. Some questions to ask

Could you do a parenting course together?

Can you both have a code word for when the other HAS to take over as you have reached your limit? (How often can that be used and how long - aka not a step out of parenting for the day)

How do you want to tackle swearing and what others will see as "rude language"(go away) ?

How do you deal with ds when he hurts you? -is it realistic? Its all very well in the calm conversation to say we will do gentle hands but of dh cant manage this what method can you agree on you both can consistently put into place? (Time out, walk away, hand to other parent , firm "no" many other ways)

Do you both get time for yourself to calm and recharge? If no how can that be arranged?

Your child will grow up thinking this is normal it's not

Agree with all PP. It's not necessarily unusual for dads to be stricter / firmer than mums, but that's not what you are describing. What you are describing is an adult reacting like a toddler - with the swearing etc vocabulary of an adult - when parenting gets slightly tough. As all PP have said, he's being emotionally abusive

Shouting, swearing and being an aggressive bully to a tiny kid isn't a 'parenting idea' @Enko
The OP should read the posts on this thread by now-adult victims of males like this.

Agree

This isn't normal. Don't let your child grow up being treated this way and thinking this is normal.

If you actually bothered to read. My post you would see I say

I'm writing this post from the point of view od you staying together. I'm not going to comment on what right or wrong

So why you feel you should comment on what I see as right and wrong is kinda irrelevant I did not express my view.

Its not normal. Its abusive. Its hugely damaging to your son. You need to take this very seriously.

Your husband needs to admit he has a problem and seek counseling to improve how he handles difficult situations.

Agree with this. I hear you're desperately hoping this is normal and will resolve OP. I think it is normal to find one's self- regulation tested to the limit by parenting. My DH is the gentlest man alive but I've been unpleasantly surprised that he will run out of patience for our kids a lot quicker than me and will sometimes raise his voice to them, which I hate and have told him is unacceptable. But he would NEVER in a million years swear at them like your DH does. That really crosses a line into abuse. You've got to protect your child. I notice my DH will raise his voice more often when he's burned out from work and broken nights and lack of time for himself. Your DH should have some therapy to figure out why your child pushes his buttons so much and how he can look after himself better mentally and physically and learn tools not to lose his temper like this. I would be threatening to leave him unless he does this straight away.