6yo constantly pushing buttons…please help

[JumpinJellyfish]

DS, year 1 and just turned 6, is a real handful.

He basically just doesn’t do what he is told a lot of the time and (unfortunately) loves to do potentially dangerous and/or destructive things a lot which involves a lot of telling off. DC2 is a sweet and compliant nearly 4 yo girl and he’s also extremely jealous of her, so we’ve got in an awful negative cycle.

Example from tonight - I call kids to come and let me brush their teeth. DC2 is closer, DC1 runs past and shoves her out of the way, she screams. I ask him to apologise, he does (reluctantly). I brush his teeth. He then refuses to move away from the sink so I can’t brush DC2’s. I ask him nicely, he ignores, I count to 3, he ignores, so I go to another sink with DC2 and tell him I won’t be reading his story as a consequence. He then spent the whole time I was reading stories to DC2 banging on the door and generally disrupting everything.

Im pregnant with DC3 and we really need to sort out DC1’s behaviour because it’s honestly making us all miserable. I don’t ever directly compare the kids but equally I rarely have to tell dc2 off because she genuinely does everything at the first time of asking and doesn’t (for the most part) engage in things I need to put a stop to (DS examples from today - climbing on to the top of the high garden wall, climbing up the outside of the stairs, standing on the kitchen surface to attempt to take chocolate from a high cupboard, searching through my private dressing table drawer for things I’d confiscated (which weren’t in there)). I know this is all rooted in jealousy and attempts to control me but I don’t know how to stop it.

DS is impeccably behaved at school as far as I can tell (regularly wins behaviour awards in fact) and no additional needs. We also really praise him when he does things well.

No advice just solidarity, I have a 6 year old girl who is seriously pushing my buttons at the moment and a 4 year old who is an angel in comparison.

I think it must be a phase that I’m hoping passes quickly!

Here for the answers. Mine is a little younger but is just constantly, constantly disruptive. I have no relationship with him beyond managing his behaviour. It’s awful.

Why don't you try giving him some big boy privileges and spend some one on one time with him so he isn't so jealous.

Take dd to clean her teeth get ready to bed and emphasise to ds he can stay up and watch a cartoon or some other nice treat because he's a big boy. Then get him ready after dd and have a story with just him. I used to bath mine together but then let ds go and watch a cartoon while I did storyline with my dd. Give him a job, ds can you be a great big brother and read a story to your little sister. Or something like that.

I think a lot of this is just age/development related tbh. We are going through a tricky patch with our 6yo too and I wouldn't describe her behaviour as jealous at all. Her younger sibling is only 2.5 and there's rarely any issues between them that aren't caused by the little one tbh, 6yo is generally a great older sibling. But still pushes our buttons a lot!

Does your 6yo get any time 1:1 with you or their other parent? I know this can be very hard but I do think it helps to connect 1:1 now and again where possible. Also just the basics of staying calm etc. Are you giving them warnings before initiating a consequence btw? You didn't say so in your example of giving no bedtime story. I always give two warnings before I give a consequence so usually we don't get that far. I find on the rare occasion I haven't, the child is totally blind sided as they were unable to anticipate the consequence and that results in meltdowns of epic proportions. Which I can kind of understand as obviously they didn't have the foresight to understand what they were 'risking' with their behaviour.

Also where is the other parent in this? We divide and conquer most bedtimes (unless one of us is out - super rare, or one of us is unwell). We alternate each night who does who.

Thanks for replies so far. Still digesting but in answer to some - DH and I usually share bedtime so we both get 1-1 with each child. In DS’s case, he reads to 1 parent and the other reads to him and we alternate (so tonight he read to DH but I didn’t read him his story).

I didn’t give him a warning before the consequence because I was just pissed off at the low level annoyance of it all…like just move out of the way of the sink, what does he even gain from it?! - and by that point I’d asked him 3 times - 1 nicely, 1 a bit more crossly, then I’d counted to 3.

I do usually give warnings but im also just fed up and wish I could tackle the underlying cause somehow. Is it unreasonable to expect him to just do stuff without being threatened?

I think it's unreasonable to expect a 6 yo to always do as you ask, yes. I know a lot of people with children aged 5-7 due to myself having a 6yo and the type of behaviour your describing sounds very normal, honestly. Frustrating yes but still normal.

I get it, sometimes DH and I get at the end of our tether and often it's over silly behaviour like you describe re the sink. We then forget to give a warning, give a consequence and then all hell breaks loose and immediately regret it! It happens to us all, we can't always be calm and the best versions of ourselves.

The end of the day is particularly tricky sometimes as we are all tired and grumpy. That includes the 6yos, ours often becomes a particular annoyance around bed times!

The other thing I will say, again it's not a criticism at all because as I say been there done that (still doing it sometimes, it happens!) - but wherever possible I really try to take a second to think of a 'natural consequence' or at least a consequence as closely matched to the issue as possible. Of course this is sometimes not possible, or not possible in the moment when I am annoyed and need a behaviour to stop ASAP! But I do think generally it works better.

Yes @WhyamInotvomiting Im sure it is within the realms of normal, it’s just hard.

He’s a boisterous adventurous boy and to take one of my other examples, he’s been told not to climb on the garden wall numerous times - it’s dangerous for him and for the wall and he has a climbing frame right there to climb on - but yet he still does it, all the time.

How do I cope with stuff like that? When I see him doing it I make him come inside immediately, but it hasn’t seemed to make him stop doing it again another day. I hate always having to tell him to stop doing stuff, again and again, it’s so wearing.

At age 6 my eldest was brushing their own teeth with me just watching them so maybe he feels a bit babied and is acting out because he's in that awkward age of not being a baby anymore but still feeling like one

Hate to say it OP but a 3rd child is only going to make his behaviour worse if it's attention driven

Also Hate to stereotype - but hey I'm a single mum raising boy/girl twins and the whole nature vs nurture debate has been an interesting study in my house - but he sounds like a typical boy. My boy is like this - doesn't listen boisterous adventurous pushes buttons. Very different to his sister. And I think he knows it - his sister doesn't get into half as much trouble and I suspect it makes his behaviour worse as even negative attention is still attention - same could be true for yours?

No magic cure sorry as I'm still finding my feet raising 3 and I feel like I tell my boy off ALL the time. It's mostly attention seeking driven and I feel like you may be in for difficult times when you are then split across 3 children at bedtime and no one is getting 1-2-1

Sending solidarity. No advice as I'm also in the trenches with my 5 year old. I just thought i would see how many times it took me to ask him until he put his shoes on the other morning without me getting angry.....16!!! 16 bloody times. Mine isnt naughty as such and no jealousy with his 6m sibling but the random shouting, boisterous behaviour and inability to listen is driving me INSANE. Same as yours he is perfect in school, no disruption, ahead in reading and phonics. Tough times

Out of curiosity, as a ratio, how many good comments do you make to him in comparison to negative? I read recently that too often we see a child sitting quietly and doing nice things, and we say nothing for fear of disturbing them, but are quick to reprimand if they do something wrong. If your daughter is a well-behaved child, then I'm guessing you tell her so and your son may be trying to get attention from you but in a negative way. The comment I mentioned reading earlier led me to finding a book called Divas and Dictators. I'm only a few chapters in but it's an interesting read.

“like just move out of the way of the sink, what does he even gain from it?! “

Some control. At 6 he has very little control over his own life and with a new baby on the way he is probably unsettled by the potential changes. Lots of false choices help, give him a choice about things which you don’t care about eg do you want to wear red or black trainer, chocolate or sweets, reading book before or after the park .

I can’t say I’m a perfect parent but my kids are a little older and I think what works with them (and when I taught secondary) is very explicit setting of boundaries. “Were going to brush our teeth now. I’m feeling tired so I need you to be sensible and help me out. DS you went first last night so it’s DD turn to go first tonight.” Followed by lots of praise afterwards. It’s exhausting and you need to be consitent but it works.

Kids often don’t know or can’t remember how they should behave in different situations so needs lots of reminding.

Totally disagree about the sex difference. My 6yo sounds similar to yours OP and she's a girl.

I get you about asking the same thing over and over again, not exactly the same as doesn't have the danger aspect but i have this with our sofa. Constantly telling her not to stand/climb on it and yet she does it anyway over and over. But I do think things like this are par for the course with kids of this age, they obviously don't care/understand properly why we have asked them not to do something and they're 6 and developing their own feelings away from us so do as they please as much as they can get away with! I'd just keep doing as youre doing, one warning each time maybe and then straight inside again.

Loads of good advice here - stuff I know already but could definitely do with being reminded of - thank you!

@Sunnysummer24 he doesn’t even know about the new baby yet - it’s very early days - that’s why though I want to get our relationship on an even keel asap. You’re totally right though that it’s about control and pushing boundaries and I think I just generally need to be a lot more patient.

@CottonPyjamas it’s definitely more negative some days, though I make a massive conscious effort to praise him whenever possible as I’m very aware of this. I just feel it’s unfortunate for him (and me!) that the things he likes playing/doing so often seem to need an intervention from me.

He loves eg climbing on stuff which so often gets him into trouble - if his passion was eg drawing life would be so much calmer! But just have to keep at it I guess.

I also have a six year old girl who is very energetic, very defiant and never listens.