Does Anyone Else Regret Having a Baby? Is this Post-natal Depression?

[ThisTooShallPass89]

I have a 16 week old baby whom I love and have strongly bonded to. But it's been relentless.

She sleeps poorly and only ever contact naps. I essentially spend all my time trying to put her asleep as she gets increasingly cranky from getting increasingly tired or stuck in a contact nap. When I eventually get her to sleep it's usually for only 30 mins, where I have to be completely still or constantly mobile if she's in a wrap.

Luckily she sleeps well at night so I can get some rest - however I EBF so my sleep is interrupted.

My DH is supportive but we've fallen into the routine of him doing the housework/cooking/admin whilst I mostly look after DD. I feel like he doesn't really have any spare time either to help me more.

I have family close by but they keep getting infections (lots of children and people in high risk jobs) so at least half of DDs life, we've not been able to see people. My friends all work or live far away, so they're not often free.

I struggle to get outside as DD doesn't sleep in the pram and her wake times are so short.

I enjoy the short moments of play before she gets cranky, and watching her sleep but I feel like the vast majority of my life is "work" and not enjoyable.

Most days I don't even have time to shower let alone do something fun.

I feel like I've traded my life entirely for my DD to exist. I've lost all my time, and I feel ugly because of my big stomach, losing all my hair, looking sleep deprived etc.

And I'm not sure it was worth it.

I love my DD, but I keep thinking that if I never had her in the first place, my life would be infinitely easier, and I would be my normal self. And she would simply not exist, so no harm to her.

Is this post-natal depression? Are these intrusive thoughts?

I don't want to have these thoughts and want to just accept the moments that are hard as hard and to enjoy as much of this as I can.

The last few days have been worse than normal as her sleep has been even worse and DH has been away for work. But I've had these thoughts before.

On good days I don't question it or think about it much and I live in the moment, and I feel content. But even on these days, I sometimes remember the bad days and think overall my life would have been easier if I hadn't had DD.

Before getting pregnant, I wasn't fully sure about having kids and my experience still hasn't put against it entirely as I'm hoping that the overall experience is still worth it, and I can't really imagine not having my own family.

Does it actually get better? People kept saying it would get easier after the first few months, but it doesn't feel easier yet.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to improve my situation or how I feel?

Having a baby is relentless and I think it is normal to look wistfully back at the ease of life pre-baby. Whilst none of this in itself means pnd if you are concerned please speak with your midwife. It is part of what they are there for.

Oh, the early days are just ghastly. People don't say that enough. Having a small baby is objectively godawful in lots of ways. I was Googling adoption services at around that stage. I thought I'd made an enormous mistake.

It sounds to me as if you need to prioritise yourself, and suffer through the roars until your baby adapts (and I hear you, DS was a high-needs, irritable baby who hated the pushchair for ages, would only nap on me, and I was trying and failing to breastfeed in various complicated ways for months). Get outdoors, whatever the cost in crying. DS wouldn't tolerate the pushchair at all for months, as in, he would scream whenever he was put in, but I persevered, and after pushing him around Hampstead Heath for several days with him roaring like a banshee, he eventually got used to it and would nap in it, while I walked. And hand DD to her father. You need to put yourself first or crack.

It does get better. I'm just not SAHP material. I started liking motherhood when I went back to work. And DS is now 12 and in fullblown teen mode, and nothing since so far has been anywhere near as bad.

Sorry I didn't answer this but:
"Does anyone have any suggestions on how to improve my situation or how I feel?"

I'd accept that I am going a good job. Babies change so quickly in a couple of months you will have a whole other set of problems!

Babies do change your life. It's fine to mourn the old life but try to embrace the joy your DD obviously brings you.

Yes, this, and also -- you get all the old you back in time. It's not gone forever! You go back to your old self, but with a child, which is pretty magnificent.

I found it incredibly tough. I didn't enjoy the baby stage one bit although I loved them deeply and it was lovely watching them sleep. It exhausting, grueling, relentless. I completely lost myself.
However, it gets easier. I enjoyed the toddler stage. Although it was exhausting still, it was fun. You have lots of cute conversations and you can do so many more things together.
Once they start school I found it very easy. I started feeling like myself again and started doing the things I used to enjoy pre-children.
All I can say is, yes it's very hard but then it becomes easier and the baby stage becomes a distant memory.

I remember standing in a freezing cold kitchen in the early hours warming a bottle thinking what the fuck have I done. 36 years later and that baby is the love of my life. It’ll get easier x

I have found it hard to distinguish between what is postnatal depression and if it's just a natural way of reacting to our lives being turned upside down.

Afew decades ago it was normal for women to stay at home with children. These days we seem to do 'more' with our lives so when we do have children it's more of a change.

I remember having similar thoughts especially in the first few months with my first as it was such a shock. For me these feelings changed overtime and you do start to enjoy them/a new life. I agree with PP do speak to your GP if you are struggling.

The newborn/infant stage is hard and relentless for many. Try not to be hard on yourself and make sure you keep talking to your DH

It honestly does get better. I was thinking the same thoughts as you did, it's really hard to be a mum and not to have any support network.

My older son was premature his stomach was so small so we was seemingly dripfeeding constantly - the days were so so long. There is a parallel universe where I'm still stuck there, sleep deprived and clueless and without support (I am LC with my own family). Anyway this to tell you you are not alone! Let me write this again:

It will get better!! I wonder if there is anything near you that you can do with your baby that knackers them and makes them sleep, I used to do baby yoga and baby swimming and there are also mum and baby groups that could be helpful to you?

I am not answering to the postnatal depression question because I'm not qualified to give any kind of advice on that, I would say have a chat about it with your GP.

• oh I just thought one thing - do you tend to be sadder mornings or evenings? When I had depression my doctor said that a sure sign is that if mornings are difficult is often a sign of depression.

I hope things get better for you soon 💝

It definitely does get 'better' and by better I mean less relentless feeling (generally - there are still times when it still feels like that though), and much more fun! I'd say from the age of 2 it's just so much better. Even at 1 it's better than as a tiny baby but from 2 it's worlds away. So much more fun!

Honestly, it does get better. I get what you’re saying when you try to accept the hard days as just being hard….but as you know in the moment that’s far less easy to do. The early days felt like a boxing match and I was constantly up against the ropes. It’s relentless, and very thankless in the early days. I was not the mother I thought I would be at all. I didn’t find any of it fun I just kept anxiously worrying about feeding, schedules and milestones. They are so tiny and vulnerable it’s an immense life change and the responsibility is enormous.

My LO is soon turning one, and things do improve, there are blips and other challenges that come but this morning for example we were eating our breakfast, we had some music on and we both clapped to the music and he had a little dance in his chair laughing his head off to my terrible dance attempt….and I actually had fun. His little personality is appearing and I feel like I’ve relaxed into it all now he’s older and a bit more robust. It will improve, it will get easier and then you’ll lie in bed scrolling through newborn photos and you realise you’ve forgotten a lot of the awful moments even though at the time they seemed so consuming and it will all just be, better.