Can you advise me where I am going wrong?

[Thaimoon]

My 3 year old dd (will be 4 in August) has begun having the most almighty tantrums lately.

I would like some honest thoughts about how I am managing them because my current method doesn't feel right to me but I'm a little lost as to how to deal with them going forward.

Bit of background: she has a 9 month old sibling, and starts school in September so some big adjustments happening. She's very headstrong but extremely sensitive also- which can be a challenging mix as she likes to be independent but doesn't take criticism well at all!

Will give an example of a tantrum we had this morning. I wanted to get her dressed- we needed to leave to get to preschool on time so I didn't have loads of time to negotiate. She didn't want to, so I offered her the choice of walking to her room or me carrying her. She didn't want to leave the playroom so I carried her upstairs. Gave her a choice of outfit- she chose. I asked her to put it on, she refused. As we were late I just started to dress her myself. This is the bit I'm not happy with really- I had to dress her against her will and she was pretty forceful in her resistance, screaming and hitting and kicking me. I finished dressing her and she was really upset (so was I).

I settled her and made sure she was ok again before taking her to nursery but it's left me feeling tearful and like I handled it all wrong. The hitting and kicking is something new that has only started recently. I've told her it's not ok but I'm trying not to have a big reaction as don't want to encourage it even in a negative way.

Could anyone please offer advice as to how to best handle this kind of thing? I hate making her upset but know she needs boundaries and especially with non negotiable things like dressing.

I am by no means an expert but I wonder if you could remove some of the stress by removing some choices and switching the timings. I would suggest moving getting dressed to before time in the play room. That way if getting dressed over runs or is hectic you can have wiggle timing in the play room.

Other tips that may work in isolation or together is.

Maybe during breakfast state what is going to happen and in what order, say it as a fun thing and include what you are going to do i.e.

After we have finished breakfast we are going to get you dressed and brush your teeth, then mummy will get ready and you can play until its time for nursery.

We have used timers before, so setting a 5 minute warning timer (on Alexa) that alerts the child that their time is nearly up and its nearly time to go.

I personally would pick the clothes, and leave a choice to between two tops or something.

I was very fortunate, the first time my DS tantrum I said to him 'I can not understand what you are saying so can we take some breathes and talk it through' I then made my focus on calming him down enough that we could talk rather than engaging in the tantrum.

Good luck. x

No playing with toys until boring tedious stuff is out the way each morning. My lot get washed, dressed and then they can watch TV etc. Its non negotiable in this house. I have 4dc so need to be organised from the get go.

what happened beforehand - how much time was there before she needed to get ready

if she didn’t realise it was time and then suddenly you are there getting stressed that you will be late (and sometimes being late is ok) I can see how that might trigger.

surprise leaving or needing to rush can cause issues

A morning routine chart with pictures might help? As she completes each “task (eatingbreakfast/washing/dressing/cleaning teeth), she posts the picture in a jar & when they’re all done, she gets to play.

We have the same with our Son who seems to be the same age. Brushing teeth and getting dressed is become such a faff some days. He's usually better when it's just me.

We've started keeping the tv off and it won't go back on until everyone is washed and dressed. It worked today, might not tomorrow.

Just try and stay calm, I feel like they can sense the internal rage and act on it.

Sorry for the delay in thanking you all so much for your helpful and understanding replies! Reassuring to hear I'm not alone as well. Will definitely be trying out some of these suggestions fingers crossed!

She needs to get dressed, hair brushed and teeth brushed in the morning before anything else happens. No fun. No toys. No breakfast. Nothing.

Have clothes and hairbrush in the bathroom. She's marched straight in there and gets ready. Needs to be a firm part of the routine and then she can do what she wants until time to go. 15 minutes before leaving set a visual timer for her.

I'm not a fan of "do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you." That's not a real choice and just lets them dick about getting you to carry them. No chance.

Yep. Agree with everyone else. My 4 yo doesn’t leave his bedroom until he’s dressed for pre school. And we do his teeth and sun cream in front of a set 10 minutes of TV. At the end of the episode it goes off and we leave. Make mornings as regimented and low demand as possible. Limit chance for arguments. I know ‘give choices’ is often suggested but I don’t think it actually works for all kids.

No fun. No toys. No breakfast. Nothing.

I agree with no toys but not no breakfast. We have one dc who will grumpily get dressed pre breakfast, but also a dc who absolutely cannot cope with any demands whilst hungry so if getting dressed before breakfast doesn't work, maybe allow food.

You also need to allow much more time now that you know getting dressed is a sticky point, so that you have the option of the natural consequence of missing out on playtime/booktime/TV time if she's not ready. You may need to get up earlier, which I appreciate is likely to be difficult to hear as you have a 9 month old!

Fair enough if they can't get dressed without their breakfast first. That would be me too!

Depends on the child but the point is definitely get them ready asap after getting up in the morning otherwise it's a prolonged battle later on if they're the defiant type.

Thanks so much for the advice all.
We tried staying in room this morning to get dressed before tv and it seemed to go ok (though she was in a fairly good mood!) so will keep it up.

I think the idea of a regimented morning routine could work really well for her as she likes order and predictability. Plus we are due to start school September so hopefully we can get some practice in!

Love the teeth and suncream in front of tv idea that could definitely work.

We have "now or in 2 minutes" with a timer for disliked tasks. So:
"Do you want to get dressed now or in 2 minutes?"
Answer is always "in 2 minutes" so I build in the time for the delay.

Unlike some pp, I find spreading the tasks out over a longer time is better than trying to do them all early. If there's too much stuff he gets more overwhelmed and cross than if there's a (little) but of play time in between.

Annoyingly he's really particular about what he wears, so a "this or that" choice is generally met with a request for "the other one". But if I let him choose after that he's pretty motivated to wear it and makes much less fuss about dressing.

Parenting is hard and a lot of it sucks. You didn’t do anything wrong. We’re all constantly learning as we go along and our kids are tiny little clever despots who unravel everything we think we’ve learned as they go along too. Breathe. I agree that you need to shake things up by taking the clothes to to the toy room, shoveling the food in and dressing her while she’s distracted and changing it up every day. Also forgive yourself. You’re loving and gentle. You’re doing a great job. Really.