7 year old unruly/ strange behaviour

[stopeatingchocolate]

hello

i am so worried and would appreciate your thoughts. My dd (7) and ds (5) are quite hyperactive. Particularly my DD (7) who we suspect has adhd or something... sometimes displays stranger / more "different" behaviour -cant sit and watch tv (ever) because it makes her crazy throwing herself around the room; wets her knickers quite regularly; sometimes with poo, sometimes just leaking wee because she doesnt want to go then she just will hold it in; is sneaky sneaking snacks and food into her room or things into her school bag she knows she isnt meant to take.

We have had multiple nannies as OH and I work full time but most leave because they are fed up with my DD and say they cannot work with her anymore. every single nanny has issues with my DD. She doesnt listen, she tells my DS to do naughty things; she refuses on most things asked. its quite inconsistent though so hard to pin point. but when they get in this mood they are laughing constantly and putting on silly voices and shouting and taking clothes off / throwing things around - and its impenetrable. you cannot possibly get through to them (unless its me, and i then separate them and find that eventually i get through to one of them on their own first, usually DS)

Last night, our new nanny was bathing them. They have separate baths but were running around naked in the house after bath having fun then became unruly - throwing things around, turning drawers upside down etc. the nanny totally couldn't control it. i have told her if this happens - then you need to take one of their hands and take them to their room and put them in there, then with the other, to separate and get them to calm downbut i could hear the nanny saying " stop that please" but they were beyond listening. Anyway, when i went outside to help, the nanny said that my DD and DS had been sitting on the bed and she pulled his nipples, then told him to do ti tot her which he did. then she told him to kiss her private parts. im so worried about this- how big a deal this is i dont know? what can I do about it? My DS did not do it, the nanny stopped and intervened but she seems very frightened by it. I put my DD in her room and spoke to her about why private parts are absolutely private and we must never touch other peoples or let other people touch ours. but is this within the realms of "normal" or is something else going on i should investigate?

I feel so disheartened and sad every time another nanny is unable to cope with my kids ive tried sticker charts, gems in a jar, stars in a pot, pocket money, EVERYTHING. I also dont let them watch tv, or have loads of snacks or junk food as i worry it may set my DD off. they dont get given many "treats" or "toys" so its hard to think what i can do to incentivise them to behave better. i would appreciate any advice

thank you

anyone?

I didn't want to not respond as this seems awful, but I worked in the Family Court for many years and wondered is it possible your DD has been sexually abused - you said you have had lots of nannies (don't just think males would necessarily be the abuser). It strikes me as a worrying thing for such a young child to say - where would she have learnt these things otherwise

Everything you wrote is very concerning and needs a professional review. This isn't typical behaviour from a 7 year old. What steps with HV, doctor, school have you taken so far?

Your daughter is very clearly different. I think you need to just prioritise this element so you know what you are dealing with. I wouldn't even listen to a HV, anyone tbh but yourself. HV will highly likely know shit.

You know she is different. She needs an assessment, a diagnosis and then you can openly advertise for help with someone who is aware of the diagnosis and then hopefully experienced. If nanny has no warning or heads up regards difference here, she might be in total shock at what she's taken on. Hopefully she sticks it out.

I don't always believe sexual abuse is at play in these situations. My son is Autistic and had some bizarre fears about sex that were unusual for his age. This and other things led to me realising he was different and getting an assessment and diagnosis.

Your DD sounds Autistic/ ADHD and there may be other things at play. I'm not saying every Autistic person does this btw before offense caused. You have to know what you're dealing with here and then you can get in the support needed.

I paid for a private assessment as the gaslighting, denial and lazing out there is a significant problem.

If your daughter is confirmed Autistic or anything else, you can then have confidence in parenting differently. Traditional parenting isn't right for these kids. You have to do things differently.

And seriously, the TV is your friend sometimes! You really have to pick your battles. TV is regulating for many autistic kids. You can use it as a reward/ bribe when you're absolutely desperate. I think you're making your life harder considering at least one child is neuro divergent.

DD CAN’T watch tv - so no reprieve from tv

Has her school said anything about her behaviour? Or does it just happen at home?

Thanks everyone. School have t said anything. She has friends and is popular kind and gentle. She is also a bit crazy at times and loses her head, but it's mainly at home that this comes out. School has repeatedly noticed she doesn't listen and struggles with that but repeatedly I've asked for an assessment and they say it's not that bad it's just maturity. That said she was sent out of class 3 times on Tuesday this week for giggling at a joke someone said and whistling . Can't remember the other- but she pushes boundaries, and i tried not to get too involved this time and said well it's a disappointing and school dealt with it so that's between her and school

I don't think there was a sexual
Element to her suggesting this, I think -maybe I'm putting in what I wish here- but I think that they had totally lost their heads and were doing "outrageous" things like throwing toys down stairs taking clothes off running around pulling the cat by its tail etc and then of course... this...

I haven't mentioned to HV as it's never been
This bad, and always been eg one episode then so many sorrys
And best behaviour for a while.. then it happens again eg months later
There was one other incident involving "private parts" one year ago, and she tried to touch my sons private parts in the. Bath again I thought to wind up/ to shock. Nanny who obviously got mad and we separated them at bath time.
I don't know if it's an autism or adhd characteristic but if I say no
To
Something DD cannot let it go. She goes back and back, even hours later she will be finding a way to get that thing she was denied. I do feel bad because I probably
Don't give her or DS that much mainly because they never meet the standards I ask at home
So I can't then say they can have dor example sweetie day or a cinema trip or pocket money . I offer it and threaten they will
Lose it but in the moment particularly DD will forget about the consequences.

You would
Meet DD and think she is a normal extremely chatty ( never stops talking) 7 year old. She does have issues that she doesn't go to the toilet also, she holds it in, between 7.30-5.30 yesterday she had one pee which I think is strange and she wets the bed at night every night unless we take her for a pee at 11 pm
Sometimes she has poo in her pants because she holds in a long time, what we thought after years of
Battling and her pretending to
Go but hiding in the toilet and not actually going, then coming out and saying she had, we thought either it's control/ or the nursery and pre school had said that she has fomo and just doesn't want to stop what she is doing