Exclusive BF - feel like a failure for wanting to give up

[beaniesunrise]

Hi, just wanted somewhere to post and get support as I feel really lost.

i had my newborn 4 days ago, 2nd child and wanted to exclusively breastfeed as I couldn’t with my first child. It started ok at the hospital then we came home the next day, the feeding started to hurt, sharp pinches when the baby latched.

realised that baby isn’t latching deeply correctly, hence the pain. I now have very sore, cracked nipples and the thought of feeding makes me want to cry. I feel so guilty when my baby cries for food. I went to a drop in session 2 days ago and spoke to the lactation consultant and let her watch me feed, she suggested different positions to try and get baby to deep latch. Still didn’t work.
i started to pump my breast milk last night and give that to baby via bottle hoping it’ll help me heal in the mean time, and have tried to breast feed throughout the day. My nipples have gotten worse and are now bleeding.

I’ve watched YouTube videos and tried the latching methods. I’m using silver cups and the lanolin cream after every feed/pump. Cold compresses with gel pads. I’ve even given a little bit of formula mixed with breast milk to calm baby as they’re crying so much and frustrated that they don’t want to attempt to practice latching. We did skin to skin today hoping it’ll help.

I’ve now ordered nipple shields that’ll arrive tomorrow to try as I’ve heard really good stories that they’ll help, even if temporarily whilst I heal.

I really don’t want to give up, but this is now affecting me mentally and I’m not sleeping at night as baby cries every 2 hours for a feed/diaper change. My DC1 is also getting my anger because of all this - so I feel more guilt

perhaps it’s the hormones but I keep telling myself it could be worse, and thankfully it’s just baby not latching deeply. Baby doesn’t even try to open their mouth wide when I do that nipple to nose or different holding positions.

Does it get better, I want to keep trying and be successful at BF this time.

Have you checked for tongue tie?

I’ve just had my 3rd, and I struggled mentally with breastfeeding so much because it was so demanding, and felt it was so unfair on my other children (2 and 3 years old) and I just felt so guilty all the time.
when I stopped I felt like a weight had been lifted!

but as I said, if not latching well then check for tongue tie. Good luck x

Give up OP and don’t think twice. Happy baby = fed baby. Happy parent = supported and rested parent who isn’t in constant pain.
Two kids here. Neither BF by choice. Both strong and healthy.

It does get better.
Practice makes perfect.
Keep trying those different holds and nice open mouth for the latch.
You can always try giving expressed milk or formula in a syringe or doidy cup first to get baby settled enough to try to latch.
It can take a couple of weeks to really get the hang of things so if you really want to do it keep trying xx

It can be so tough in the early days. I think it took me about 6 weeks to really think ‘I’ve got this’ but I’m so so pleased I persevered and I really love breastfeeding. We struggled with latch at first and I went to breast feeding drop ins but the best thing I did was pay privately for a breastfeeding consultant to come and visit me at home. She came when I was around 7 days post partum and it saved our breastfeeding journey. I know it’s not always financially viable but I would really recommend it if you can afford it. The feeding through cracked bleeding nipples almost broke me but it did absolutely get better! Lots of lanolin nipple cream after every feed.

It's really early days. Your baby is only 4 days old! The baby is still learning too.

Keep trying different positions. Most of the best ones are lying down.

Try mixed feeding - it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Half a bottle of formula to take the edge off the hunger and then latch, latch again.

Just latch on all the time while you read to your eldest, help your eldest have a bath etc.

Don't wear a bra.

In my experience, it does get better. Hard start with my first but got over the hill and did it for 18 months.

However my second had latch issues and is a big baby. She got frustrated at times as she needed more and couldn’t be bothered to work for it. I gave up after 10 weeks and haven’t looked back - I am so so much happier. We could have got there with blood sweat and tears I think but I just thought to myself ‘why am I putting us through this??’

Potentially sounds like a shallow latch.

If trying nipple shields get support with those. They ideally need to be sized.

Try a le leche group or your lactation consultant again?

Agree with pp tonge tie is so often missed.

Has your milk come in yet? You can pump to maintain supply (wearable pump goes in bra) while you work out the position and latch.

My dream was to breastfeed but it's been a long road so I understand where your coming from op.

Be kind to yourself and get in-person support - look at private tongue tie division if needed

Similar experience here, I used nipple shields and a dummy from the start following the advice of my midwife and that really saved it as gave my nipples a chance to heal. Get as much help as you can find/afford.

The first couple of weeks were horrendous but once I was out the other side it was great. The first painless feed felt so hard won and I eventually got a lovely oxytocin rush while feeding that helped get through some of the tough newborn times.

Having said that bottle feeding has its upsides too and there's nothing wrong with stopping when you've had enough, whether that's four days in or two years in.

It's quite normal to want to give up. Just keep on keeping on. Have you had a tongue tie assessment?

It got a lot better for us too, the first few days/weeks were hard but I was really glad that we persisted.

You've got this, whether you carry on breastfeeding or bottle feed instead 💕

It really hurt for me too, but it does get easier. I used Lots of nipple balm and i've heard nipple shields are great. Don't feel guilty for giving up if thats what you choose to do. But breastfeeding does get easier, i promise.

Everyone will say it gets better, and I think that's true.
What I will also say is - you don't have to do it. If you don't want to. It's your baby, you can do whatever you like.

With my first I gave up, then a few days later I started feeding her once a day. I did that for months. When I realised there wasn't actually a rule book, I was much happier.

Congratulations on your little one.

This sounds a lot like a tongue tie. NHS aren't great at spotting them so if you really want to keep feeding I'd try and find a local specialist tomorrow to check. It does take about a week for your nipples to toughen up and you may need to relatch baby if they don't get it right first time but overall their latch should be improving.

Give up, OP.

Your baby will be fine on formula.

And I say that as someone that EBF both of mine. But I did it because it was easy for me, I had loads and loads of milk and never a second of pain. If it had been different, I’d have had no guilt about switching to formula.

Go and get the baby checked for tongue tie.

If no tongue tie it’s a latch problem - watch some videos online how to get the latch nice and deep. It’s hard when they are a newborn as they just won’t open their blooming mouths wide enough half the time. Trust me they get better at doing it and after a while you don’t even think about latch as they become such experts!! You have to be quite quick as soon as they open their mouth rooting push them quickly and firmly on and the videos should show you the correct angle.

Use nipple shields for a few days to give your nipples a break and put the linolin cream BEFORE a feed as well as after.

If you want to switch to formula that is absolutely fine :) formula is a perfectly good alternative to breast milk. Do not let your mental health suffer! It’s not worth it!

For me and my sister the first 3 weeks were like this. The pain, the learning to latch, body learns how much to produce over 3 weeks and then it's downhill from there but initial investment is 3 weeks and the key is not to stop otherwise your body cannot read how much the baby needs. White cabbage leaves are great to relieve the nipple pain and mastitis. May the strength be with you! You've got this! (I remember my 8 month old used to self serve the night feed while I slept by pulling my top up! Didn't know what sleepless nights were)

I’ve BF three babies and each time the first 6 weeks have been really tough and I’ve wished I was formula feeding. But after 6 weeks I find BFing so much easier and less faff than bottle feeding. Not to mention the money we are saving on formula. It’s ok if you want to give up. It’s also ok if it’s something you really want to do and to keep trying.

Each time I gave myself permission to give up at 6 weeks if it wasn’t working and in all three cases it was fine by this point. Keep going if you want to!

If you have the funds I would seek out a private private tongue tie assessment and possibly a cranial osteopath to make sure theirs no tension in baby’s body that’s making it hard for him to latch. I took my youngest to an osteopath and it was eye opening, she had a wonky jaw and a bashed up nose from the birth that I never would have spotted myself.

Is there a local infant feeding team that can come and help?

The first two weeks were full of toe curling pain for me but (I feel) it's been so much easier than bottle feeding since that point. Part of it really felt like my baby's mouth was just too small to feed properly and she needed to be a little bit bigger. I feel grateful every day that I don't feel I have to faff around, especially at night. Plus it's free. I've found, after it's been established, that it's all been much easier than the formula feeding from my first.

However, if you want to stop you can stop. There's no wrong option here. There's nothing wrong with putting your feelings first, you've done plenty the last 9 months as it is!

I would generally say give yourself a few weeks if you can. I got cracked and bleeding nipples with my 1st when they weren't latched properly, but it improved over the next couple of weeks. If you can get through this initial stage I found it so convenient and a lot cheaper than formula feeding. But if it doesn't work out it really doesn't matter. The aim is to ensure your baby is fed and healthy and you can do that with breast or formula. Please believe you aren't failing if you struggle or even decide to stop breastfeeding. You don't need that pressure and it won't matter to your child one bit. Mine are adults now and at no point have they ever shown any concern over how they were fed in the 1st months.

I'm in a similar situation to you. Determined for it to work out this time after having a bad time with my first. But cracked nipppes by day 4 and dreading feeds. I started using nipple shields and oh my god the difference. Basically no pain (still a little on the really damaged nipple but much reduced and it's healing now) and baby doesn't seem to have any issues getting milk with them so my supply is looking good. Once baby is back to birth weight and my nipples have healed I'll try without but I'm in no rush to remove them.

Hey 👋 it does get better, i had the same, it might not be the latch, my baby was latching fine and my nipples still got sore n cracked in the first week, your nipples aren’t used to that much use lol you have probably tried it but best method i did was hold baby in opposite arm to breast you want to feed from, and tummy to mummy- nose to nipple, wait for baby to tilt head back n open mouth wide and pop them on, my baby is 5 months now n she latches herself without any real guidance from me i just need to have my boob out, seriously woke up this morning with her already latched n feeding haha xx

If you are in pain and unhappy, why continue when there is an alternative?