3 year old shy around other children, worried mom!

[TwinklyTealFish]

DS is 3 years and 3 months, and is generally a lovely, very vocal, hilarious little boy. He is extremely funny and is constantly cracking up me and OH, as well as grandparents, aunties and uncles, etc.. He can be bossy and outspoken at home. But he also expects adults to play with him continually, he cant seem to understand that we might not be able to or want to play. He very rarely places with his toys alone, and will instead whine at you until you play.

He is an only child currently, and doesn't go to any form of nursery or private nursery, but he has always been around other children in the form of my nieces and nephew, one of which is only 8 months younger than him. They are like brother and sister in many ways and fight like cat and dog lol. But again they rarely play together, she is more of a free spirit and is in to everything, where as DS will still want an adult to play. He does enjoy playing with other niece whos 10 (when she wants to). He just seems to prefer adult/older kid interactions. DS also sees cousin's weekly of various ages.

He has a very close bond to me and likes to be around me a lot, and will follow me around the house often helping with things. I work three days a week while DS is with grandparents/dad, and he is generally happy. On days off we always spend time out and about, seeing different things, and spend time around family/friends, most of which have children, and he does enjoy seeing them, but he is definitely not as confident as them. He wont go off to play in a soft play for example, or on holiday he wont go to the disco dance floor unless an adult is with him. I take him to a toddler club which we have attended since he was around 20 months, and he enjoys it there and has become more comfortable, but I'm still expected to play and be near him, he rarely goes to play alone and doesn't really speak to children there. My OH recently enrolled him in a football class as he is football crazy, but he has been very shy both times, refusing to partake in activities and expecting dad to do them all with him, even though you can tell he wants to play.

He starts nursery in September and I'm at a loss how to help him, I'm worried I'm not doing something right or making him lack confidence. I really do encourage him to play alone in all settings. I'm worried he will struggle at nursery. Is there anything i can do to build his confidence?

Sorry for the essay!

Thanks :)

Some kids are happy to jump in to new activities, talk to adults and other kids they don’t know but many are more retiring and need time to take in a new situation and when they’re ready make their first attempts at joining in or even playing alongside others. It won’t be anything you’ve done or not done, more about his natural personality. It’s not a bad thing at all. Just carry on taking him to new places, having different experiences. Let him see you chatting to people out and about etc. He will get there at his own pace. Maybe watching from the sidelines while he weighs up his new surroundings and new people. Read books about starting nursery too if you haven’t yet. Nursery staff are really used to helping children settle in and will help him feel secure and safe to start joining in . He sounds a lovely little chap. He will be fine I’m sure. It’s normal to worry though. It’s a big first step for you and him,

My little girl is very similar to your kid.
she is 3, only child, constantly wants adult attention, bubbly, out going and loud when with adults. But with children she wouldnt play much with others or even play along side them, she went very shy and withdrawn if another child dared try and play with her or even just talk to her.

I have to say that as hard as it has been Nursery has been the absolute making of her.
She will now happily play with children she knows and will talk to strangers children of prompted.
She goes to a Montessori nursery and whilst its costing us a fortune to send her 3 days a week its done her so much good.

What kind of relationships to other people and the world are you and his father modelling for him? Does he see you interacting with other people, trying new things, getting out of your comfort zone?

(My mother used to get frustrated with us when we were children because as a shy woman, terrified of the remotest form of attention, she had fantasies of children who loved joining in and were jolly 'group' types, good at sports etc -- what she neglected to see was that she and our withdrawn, probably neurodiverse father were modelling was 'the world is terrifying, other people are only out for themselves, and the worst thing that could happen is that you stand out from the crowd and risk looking stupid'. And she never betrayed the remotest interest in sport.)

My point is just that young children are sponges and pick up a lot from how they see the adults in their lives behave.

Thanks so much for the reply. I had hoped it was more of his personality than anything he had picked up from us, as we both really try to encourage him to play and be outgoing, and as i say at home and with family/friends he knows he is very outgoing, its almost like I'm his security blanket and he likes me to be there and engaged with him too. He is honestly a joy to be around most of the time and he's a clever, loving little boy. I just want everyone else to be able to see that too. I hate the thought of him at nursery not able to be himself, but i know they will help him if he needs. Fingers crossed he enjoys it. Thank you so much 😊

Thanks so much for the reply! Yes they sound very similar! I don't even expect him to play with them so much as I know he's young and that will come but he seems to shy away whenever another child comes close, even though I can tell he is curious. My OH said a boy said hello to him at football class yesterday and he just completely shyed away from him. He's definitely more willing if I'm there, but obviously I cant be all the time and I want him to feel confident independently. I'm really hoping nursery will help like your daughter, its the only thing I can think of now to help him learn I cant always be there and that kids his age aren't scary!

thank you 😊

Thanks for replying!

I would say myself and his dad are both pretty outgoing people, we regularly socialize with friends and friends kids and family. We have always tried to encourage him to be outgoing and don't just throw him into a room and expect him to carry on, we constantly show him games he can play, or talk to people/children ourselves so he can see its nothing to be scared off. We play football daily with him as he loves it, and we go out a lot to new places, zoo's, parks, etc.. I'm starting to think this may just be his personality and he needs to take things in before he feels confident to try things. I know I was quite an anxious child, so I'm just praying he will be more like his dad and not me, and once he starts nursery he may find his feet.

thank you 😊

He sounds like a lovely little boy! He just doesn’t have that much experience socialising with kids his own age outside of the family yet. A class like football is different because it’s only once a week and they’re being told to focus on kicking the ball round the cones or whatever, parents are still there and there’s limited scope for the kids to interact which each other. But don’t worry, family is all he’s needed up until now and developing his social skills and independence before school is exactly what nursery is for! I’m sure he’ll be absolutely fine there and will have a group of little friends before you know it.

As for playing on his own, I had to push that one initially but needs must because it was sending me bonkers. Set up an activity he can do on his own without needing help, say ‘mummy can play with you after I’ve emptied and restacked the diswasher (for example, any boring task will do), it’ll only take 5 minutes but every time you interrupt it takes longer’. And stay firm and don’t play with him until he’s spent 5 minutes amusing himself.