Existential crisis every time I send my toddler to nursery

[mum2be99]

Hi all, hoping for some moral support or advice.
I really understand how life is just unfair but it's really getting me very down when I see mums I know and grew up with be able to not work and bring up their own children, somehow living off their partner's wage + benefits or just off benefits in a council house. I'm glad for them and think all mothers should be able to do this.
Meanwhile I have a stressful but ok paid job with good career progression along with my husband. But it feels like we never have any money due to childcare that we need. I am working 4 days thankfully due to a flexible employer. On top of that I still feel horrendously guilty every time my son is ill and I need to take the day off.
Every time I have to drop him off at nursery (even though he likes it) I just feel I could never do this again despite wanting multiple children yet not being able to afford anymore despite how hard we both work.
I've done all the looking into part time low paid work to alleviate stress but it just wouldn't make ends meet, and we seriously don't live lavishly. No holidays and clothes mostly from Vinted. There is nothing else we can cut back on. I've looked into being a crafty Etsy mum but there's just no business I could build I have any talents in. I don't resent parents on benefits tbh, we don't know what opportunities people have been given, and I do think kids should be around their own parents.
But every time I have to leave him for a day I know it's just instinctively wrong and I leave nursery crying.
I know life is just unfair but do any other parents feel like this? There aren't many working mums I know

Hi there, oh I do understand, I remember this from when I was in your position.

It is a really difficult time when you are working but not gaining much spare money from it. Here is what helped me mentally.

This is very temporary, when funding kicks in at age 3 you will feel much a relief financially.

The mums I know who didn't work when their children were little are significantly worse off financially now due to the gap on thrir CV.

Your child will benefit hugely from learning with the other children at nursery.

You get the joy of your child being delighted to see you at pick up every day.

You get to make the most of the days when you can go and feed the ducks in the park and truly appreciate them.

It's a difficult time and there's no perfect situation for any mum whether they work or not.

❤️

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Really appreciate it this morning. And yes I appreciate every minute I get with him.

I'm sure you do, you sound like a lovely mum x

Agree with the above poster.
Also think about your child in the future.
I really admire my mum for working and her job, and remember having lots of chats and questions about her work as an older child.

How old is toddler? Do you get the two year old funding now?

I feel you, I hate dropping mine off, I often want to keep him home as I drive him over. I worry about him and get anxious around 3:30/4pm when I know he starts getting tired at nursery… I’m lucky that he doesn’t have to go too often but I don’t know how we’d cope if he did. He’s a bit of an entertainer and finds it quite tiring all day, I think.

The guilt is real. I’m not sure there’s much of an answer, but you’re not alone.

You will be better off when your child is three and you get the funding. Even better when they start school in comparison to the other parents. You shouldn't be envious of those on benefits.

Living off benefits in a council house (while there’s nothing wrong with that if it’s what someone needs to do) isn’t exactly aspirational. You have quite a lot of advantages compared to someone in that situation- your son will see a strong work ethic, you will have a pension, you will have greater earning potential whereas benefits are unlikely to significantly rise and once childcare costs reduce you will have more disposable income. You are still the one bringing up your child, you are making all major decisions for him and spending 3 full days, 4 more mornings and evenings, there all night and spending annual leave with him. He will get enrichment and socialisation at nursery. Does your DH feel bad for working (I assume) 5 days a week?

Could you compress your his/change your working pattern to be around more?

I felt very much the same. Fortunately I'm self employed with a lot of flexibility over my hours (which I do at home). For a while I did 4.5 days with of work (so almost full time) with 3 days of childcare, by doing 3 long days and then an extra evening. It was hard as I was working 4 evenings a week, but I got 2 week days to spend with my children. I currently do 2.5 -3 days a week (long, boring, not relevant reason for the drop), with 3 mornings of childcare by starting early, topping up in the evenings etc. I get every weekday afternoon with my youngest as well as 2 full days.

When my youngest was small I briefly reversed my working pattern so I worked at night between the many wakings, and had a solid block of sleep when she was in childcare.

I know I have more flexibility than most, but if you want more time with your child, see if you can make that work. 4 days could be easily done in 3.5 with early starts or evening (depending on the job), and that gives you an extra morning with your child.