Playgroup etiquette

[Nosleepforthismum]

Any advice on how I should have handled the situation at playgroup today with my 2.8 year old DS?

Tuff tray set out with crushed cereal, spoons, tractors and a couple of diggers. My DS is particularly digger mad so he made a beeline for the big yellow one. All fine and playing nicely. After a few minutes one of the other boys asked me very politely if he could have a turn with the digger. I said yes in a couple of minutes once my DS has finished playing. A couple of minutes later my DS was showing zero signs of moving on so I attempted to get him to give the digger up for the little boy who was waiting patiently for it. Cue the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen him throw. Screaming, running away from me, kicking and finally playing dead (weight) when I tried to walk him outside to calm down.

He did calm down outside and was fine going back in although had another wobble when he saw the digger being played with but was easier to distract that time. Probably important to mention that he’s got a speech delay so isn’t always able to verbally express himself properly.

I feel annoyed at myself really because I know I handled it completely wrong but at the same time I’m not sure how others deal with this kind of situation? I knew he wouldn’t want to give the digger up but I know he has to learn to share these things. Any advice would be gratefully received

I don't see what you did wrong, I'd have done the same, they need to learn to share. Obviously in an ideal world they accept this with good grace rather than a tantrum but we don't live in an ideal world.

Oh really? I think I feel like I didn’t handle it correctly because of how much it escalated. Its probably also down to a bit of embarrassment as well as I also had my 1 year old and trying to catch him and drag him kicking and screaming outside is a memory that’ll haunt me for a few days.

It's very hard teaching toddlers to share toys! You did the right thing but if it keeps happening you might find a break from this kind of activity might be good. If it's too upsetting to share right now, do something else for a while. It's a development stage and you might have to practice it more with lower value toys.

I think you handled it perfectly. Don’t sweat it.

You handled it right, children need to be taught how to share. I would have done exactly the same, don't feel like you've done something bad. The tantrums at his age are normal, keep repeating the behaviour and he will learn eventually to share.

I disagree that you handled it the right way. It was well intentioned but I'd start using timers now with your son. I prefer to leave children to it because I don't see why one child should decide the other one is finished. My go to response is "Tom is playing with that toy just now, but you can play with it when he's finished." My son will move on from a toy after ten minutes max anyway.

If your son is going to play with one truck for the entire hour or two of a playgroup and other children want a turn, then get the timer out.

Boy: can I have a turn please?
You: yes you can have a turn when Tom has finished playing in 5 minutes. Tom this little boy is waiting nicely for a turn of the truck. I'll set the timer for 5 minutes (show him) and then it's time to play with something different

Remind him when there is one minute to go, then swap with lots of praise for sharing so kindly and immediately move him on to something else.

You will need to use the timer for other things too to get him used to it: swapping toys, in the run up to bedtime, time to go home from the park, two minute timer for teeth brushing, timer on for mummy playing for twenty minutes before making dinner. Etc. etc. You can get nice timers on Amazon for kids and you can download colourful timer apps for your phone as well.

He did calm down outside and was fine going back in although had another wobble when he saw the digger being played with but was easier to distract that time. Probably important to mention that he’s got a speech delay so isn’t always able to verbally express himself properly.

Just to add to my previous post. Your son literally doesn't understand why you were doing what you were doing. You need to get him used to the timer and give big praise for sharing. He has no concept of "5 minutes" without a timer. He also has no concept of why an adult is deciding for him that some random child he doesn't know can take his toy off of him. He doesn't know why playgroup toys are different from his own toys.

You need to do a lot of pre-explaining and training (in simple terms of course, don't waste energy labouring the point). He will be extra frustrated if he has a speech delay. Try to put yourself in his little shoes and see why he got so upset.

I still think the best course of action for most children is to say "you can have a turn when he's finished playing" as most children move on and play with lots of toys over the course of a playgroup session.

In that kind of situation I wouldn't promise that another child can play with a toy in a couple of minutes, because I don't know if my child would be finished in a couple of minutes. I would have suggested to her that she could pass it on, but if she was still engrossed in it I'd try to get her engaged in another activity. I wouldn't have insisted on taking it from her though before she was ready, I think that does escalate the situation and it's unnecessary. She would have inevitably moved on to another toy in time, or the other child would have moved on.

I don't know, mine have both had favourites at playgroups and I wouldn't feel right letting them hog something for the whole session. They don't always move on to something else.

He is going to scream ans cry and have an epic tantrum.

For a huge chunk of his life he always got what he wanted. His wants being his needs as well. Food, warmth etc so in a toddler mind why do they suddenly have to learn not to get what they want. You've just changed the rules of life as far as he's concerned.

Let him feel his feelings. You holding strong boundaries is far more important.

I don't think you did anything wrong really, he's obviously going to be upset about giving up his favourite toy and a tantrum is a toddler's way of expressing that sometimes. He has to learn to share though.
Don't feel embarrassed because 100% of those other toddlers will have had a meltdown before so all the other parents will get it and sympathise!

Sounds like you did good. Don’t doubt yourself! As pp said, at home he’s used to playing with stuff as long as he wants. This is a big change for him. It’s part of growing up. Him struggling to manage his feelings is entirely age-appropriate. It’s not a parenting failure. You took him out, got him calm and then were able to distract him enough so he could re-join the group.

Maybe at some point in the next few days, you could have a chat with him about this. Talk about how he felt. Give those feelings a name: sad, angry. At first, you don’t have to talk about how he needs to share. You just need to normalise those feelings. You could give examples of times when you’ve felt like that. Before the next session, you could chat to him again about how playgroup and home are different and why we need to share at playgroup. If a similar situation happens, give him a five and one minute warning. If he goes into meltdown again - that’s fine! Don’t take it personally. Just did what you did today. And you can also praise your child when they calm themselves down “I know you are sad and angry when you couldn’t play with the truck. I’m very proud of you for managing those big feelings’