Gentle/authoritative discipline

[Orangepen13]

our 2.5 yr old is wearing us down! I feel like I’ve read and understand a lot about gentle parenting, but I’m stuck on how to respond when they’re just doing something that makes life difficult for us. Eg. Ignoring, touching things they shouldn’t, pulling toys out instead of tidying; waking the baby when we’ve asked them not to; messing at bed time; refusing to co operate when getting ready in the morning.

we’ve tried so many things, but just reaching the point now of trying to figure out how do you actually set a firm boundary when really the request is just about making our lives easier?! Boundaries are easier to hold when it’s about safety; I don’t know how to discipline respectfully when it’s more about “just listen to me!”

Ideas:

1. Redirection - I.e. if they're pulling toys out when you're tidying then calmly move them away from the toys, explain that you're tidying right now and they can either help or do x
2. Play - If I start pretending to be the one who is going to get dressed in her clothes, or 'forgetting' what I'm doing at bedtime and start pretending it's time to get up and get ready for the day then suddenly she's way more on board with the original plan.
3. On that same theme, reverse psychology works wonders. If I say 'don't put those toys in this box' then that's all she wants to do!
4. Picking battles - I want her to get dressed, she could stay naked all day as far as she's concerned. Is it pivotal in that moment? Is this the hill to die on or can I walk away until she needs something from me, at which point I can pull out 'sure, I'd love to help you as soon as you're dressed. Would you like to put your trousers on or should I do it?'
5. Join in with them - you want them to be on board with whatever you're doing, take a moment to join in with what they're doing first. Get down to their level and sit with them for a moment if they're ignoring you, work out what they're engrossed in, wait for a natural pause and then say what you need. I hate being interrupted mid-task, you'll get a lot more out of me if you give me a moment to finish what I'm doing and then ask for my attention. Figured it might help to assume the same about the smalls.
6. say you need their help - most kids love to help (not all the time obvs), if you give them some autonomy and responsibility over the situation they may be more amiable to the task.

My 3 is a totally different beast from my eldest, had to relearn everything to work out how best to communicate with her. Sometimes I'm just too stacked/overwhelmed to find the energy to play, but honestly that tack is the most effective. Especially at this stage. 2 & 3 is tough for communicating because they often just give zero fox about your agenda. By the time they're 4/5 and up they're way easier to reason with. Think of this stage as building the foundations, it won't go right all the time but you're moving in the right direction.

Brute force!

how do you actually set a firm boundary when really the request is just about making our lives easier

Don't make it a request!
tell them what you want in simple terms.
Get down to their level and tell them again.
Use 1, 2, 3

What are the consequences if they don't do what they are told?

@Squashinthepinkcup these are all such good ideas! I felt so stuck and overwhelmed with not knowing, but this has giving me a little bit of confidence that I’ve got something to try. Thank you ❤️

@Seeline i think the problem is I don’t know what a sage and respectful consequence is for something that is just my preference/meets my needs over theirs

How to talk so little kids will listen is a great book to help with this. It really help me to hold boundaries with kindness. Kind but firm that’s my goal.

I'm not sure what you mean about "disciplining respectfully". To me this hints at you being a bit soft with him. As long as you're being firm but fair and not screaming at him then you're being respectful.

You need to firm up with him but also pick your battles. If you say no too often kids act out because they feel life is unfair as everything is always "no" and "don't do that". For example, touching things they shouldn't? Baby proof your home so that you rarely have to say no to something. What are they touching? Just remove it from them and explain why in simple terms. "That's the cat's food, not your food". Or if they're determined to pull all the laundry out of the basket just bullshit them and say "wow that's so helpful. Let's pull it all out and put it in the washing machine together."

Tidying is a big ask at that age. You need to implement a strict toy rotation so that there aren't too many toys out at any given time. We have a storage unit at toddler height with 4 soft baskets on the bottom row and 4 empty spaces to display toys on the top row. We don't overload the unit and everything else is in a locked cupboard in our room. They play better with toys this way. If he tips the Duplo, that's fine. It's just one basket and he knows where to put it back when he's done. Tidy up time at that age is you tidying and then throwing a few bits of Duplo in too with lots of praise.

As for bedtimes and mornings I think this is a combination of you being too soft and him hearing nothing but "no" all the time. He's deciding that he wants more "yes" so he's going to take control himself. Simplify your routines so you're asking less of him and try to find ways to turn "no" into "yes".

Half an hour before bedtime set a timer and say "we have half an hour to play whatever you want before bed". Then fully immerse yourself in play with him. Don't half-arse it. Really get into playing Duplo or cars or trains with him. It's his love language and he needs it. Be down on the floor with him and take his lead. When the timer goes shout "yay! It's time to bounce on the bed and read stories!" and run off to the bedroom with him. 20 jumps on the bed then pick a story. Be mad enthusiastic about everything.

You're in a rut of "it's bedtime Johnny. Johnny I said it's bedtime. You're not listening to me. Stop jumping on the bed. It's time to brush your teeth. I said it's BEDTIME!"

Try to embrace the fun for him and you'll see a difference. He doesn't understand why things are important or make life easier for you. He just wants to play with you.

Well - some of it is common sense.
Touching things they shouldn't - put the things away before they get touched.
Waking baby - either toddler or baby goes in paly pen, behind baby gate etc so that they can't get near.
Toys - one r two things out at a time. If they want something else it doesn't come out until the first lot are put away. If they just get more stuff out, then take it away until old stuff is put away.
Messing about in the morning - go to nursery in PJs. Force if they won't have teeth cleaned - some things are not negotiable.
Bedtime - depends on the issue.

Oh - and consistent boundaries. If they are allowed to run around before bedtime one day but not the next, it sends confusing messages.

I think you need to re frame slightly. Most of these are not IMO simply about your preference over theirs.

Waking the baby is about the baby's needs, not yours!
Going to bed on time is about the toddler's needs. Good sleep habits are very important for young children.
Tidying and getting ready are for everyone in the family, so that the house is a nice place for you to live and you all get where you need to be on time.
Etc etc.

@Yourethebeerthief
You're in a rut of "it's bedtime Johnny. Johnny I said it's bedtime. You're not listening to me. Stop jumping on the bed. It's time to brush your teeth. I said it's BEDTIME!"

it’s like you’re in our house, how did you know 😅

😂

I've been there with mine. He's just over two and a half. I snapped out of it asap as it's pointless for everyone. They're only tiny still and they really just want to have fun. They're wired for it. To be fair I don't have a baby in the mix so I get that it's hard but you need to pull together with your husband and try to switch it up a bit.

I am very firm but fair so I definitely don't mean everything has to be a complete giggle fest because honestly, fuck that. But if you lighten up in general it will have a positive impact on everything.

At bedtime I switch the lights off in the living room where he's playing and leave it in darkness then move to his room and start looking through books. He trots after me ready for a nice twenty minutes of cuddling and reading. He knows the living room is shut now.

Install locks high up on all your doors so you can shut rooms off as and when you need to.

Look up best buster parenting on Instagram. She's fab. Her motto is "calm in the rain, crazy in the rainbows." So when you have to discipline in any way you need to remain totally calm and fair while they're going bonkers, but when everything is nice and fun really get into it with them. Play is their love language. He is craving it from you.

B*rat buster parenting
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Sorry, can't edit the post in the app.

For heaven's sake. One more try...

*Brat buster parenting

😅*