Clashing parenting styles.

[Mrsmozza123]

Just that really.

DH and I have one DS, 3/almost 4

Id love to hear from anyone who has successfully navigated a situation like this.

My style: explain/teach what he’s doing wrong. Give a warning, use related consequences. Try and make everything a teachable moment. I’m not perfect but I feel like DS respects boundaries with me, even if he can be a bit slow to respond.

DH style: shout DS name and then shout at him when he doesn’t respond. Then say something like ‘ right, bedtime without a story-now!’ -seemingly out of the blue. It’s not always clear to me what he’s being told off for so I’m not sure it’s clear to DS either. They seem to bicker, rather than it being a clear father-son dynamic. DH is a brilliant father in every other way, just very old school in his discipline style and thinks I’m a hippie for reading any books or getting advice online.

We both agree it’s not good practice to undermine each other. But sometimes I can see DS trying to get a rise out of DH and I can’t help but step in. DH hates this. I’m trying to help.

Lately DH has lost his temper a few times, calling DS horrible and a disgusting child (for pooing his pants). On those occasions I have stepped in - shouting really triggers me.

I brought up the bickering this evening after a particularly difficult bedtime, I suggested DH should be a lot clearer about what he’s telling DS off about before escalating to shouting or giving consequences. DH got defensive and told me I was always intervening. It got very heated, I just really want to be able to have a conversation. DH solution was not to intervene at the time but to bring it up later. Ironically, that’s exactly what I had done and he just played the blame game.

We are just not a team in this respect and I am worried it’s going to become a deal breaker in our relationship.
I love him and he’s great at all time other than when our DS is acting up.

So his type of parenting is abusive, shouty, upsetting, denigrating- telling a kiddie off for pooing his pants! I’d be having a long chat with DH about how parenting has changed since he was a child. Spell out clearly that he needs to change and explain why his behaviour is bullying and abusive.

You need to support your child against mistreatment from his father. Your child needs to know you are on his side and NO-ONE is going to be allowed to treat him that way.

Tough shit if DH doesn’t like it!

So he thinks he is right about everything and mocks you for researching and educating yourself in order to do your best for your child? He sounds delightful.

We are in marriage counselling and this is one of the biggest reasons I haven't left yet. I can't subject my little ones to this shouting dictatorial 70s parenting style unprotected (ie when they're alone with him).

When you say he's a brilliant father apart from this, I'd argue "this" is what makes a brilliant father - someone who will put their kids first and learn, evolve, challenge their own experience of abusive parenting to stop the cycle of shouting and threats and punishment. Your boy will grow up to be just like him.

He sounds fucking awful. Your poor boy.

OK, I’ll give a balance to what he is not good at.
@Apileofballyhoo @Pumpituppump

Attentiveness - he’s often the first to jump up if needed in the night.
Creative play- he plans complex camping/bushcraft activities and lots of enrichment.
selflessnes- he works hard in and out of the home to contribute to a good life and smooth running of the home.

I agree his discipline style is not good and I was hoping for some constructive solutions. Even if I ltb (not something I’m close to considering) he would still be actively parenting and this is something I want to help with for both my DS and DHs benefit.
I think there is a lot of deep seated stuff to unlearn from his childhood and I want to help him with it instead of just abandoning him - I meant my marriage vows!
I don’t think it’s great. Everything else is wonderful but DS misbehaving triggers an anger response that comes out in his discipline style.

@Flittingaboutagain I’m not defending him here but there are so many other dimensions of parenting. When DS is being a rational being they have such a close bond, so many shared interests and they love each other. He’s not a demon that can’t tolerate a minor kid slip up. Rather, when emotions run very high, he’s not good at handling it.

But as we all know, 3 year olds can’t be expected to have a level head all the time, they are still learning to handle their emotions and I’d love to help DH navigate those situations better than he is.

There is also a chance that I’m being too soft and he’s being authoritarian to counteract me and I’m being extra soft because I feel bad for DS. Vicious cycle territory.
The real thing here is that we are struggling to talk about it and I’d love to hear from anyone who has fixed this dynamic.

Well I'm telling you to get marital counselling over this. He needs to learn new ways to cope when triggered. He won't magically stop behaving like this. He is expecting your son to be a short adult not to trigger him.

Not sure what else you expect is to say? I'm not saying LTB.

@Flittingaboutagain Thanks for your advice. Marital counselling isn’t in the budget at the moment but I’ll consider saving for it while we try and resolve by other means.

What prompted you to say “I don’t know what else you expect me to say?” All input is welcome. I’m feeling really sad about us not seeing eye to eye and would love to fix it- up for new ideas and perspectives. I just don’t want DH to be labelled an abuser based on one aspect of his personality that I shared in my OP.

I think for me the issue would be more about that fact that he thinks what he's doing is ok than the fact he get triggered IYSWIM.

Does he genuinely think that shouting or calling a child 'disgusting' is ok? Or when he's calm does he agree that he didn't handle it well?
Have you asked him if he really wants your ds to feel like he's horrible or disgusting because he had an accident?
How does he feel about DS being afraid or nervous around him as he gets older?

It's probably not something he's given a lot of thought to, but all this will shape their relationship going forward and I think you should point this out.

If you think he would be open to it, I'd maybe look at a course on child development, or at least books on this (from the library if no budget) and approach it as something you want to learn together as you don't agree.

Pretty much anything you look at will talk about the importance of consistency, how a child should feel safe and that you address the behaviour but separate it from the child (so the action is naughty, not the child etc).

Hopefully that will take away the sting a bit as he probably feels you're criticising not just him but his parents if this is how he was brought up.

I am anti gentle nicey nicey child led parenting but your husband sounds like a dick!

Your husband will ruin his relationship with his son if he carries on like this. He thinks he has a style of "discipline", but he doesn't. He's just chaotically reacting to an irrational little child's behaviour. Kids are bonkers and he is an adult getting riled up by it. That's not on, no matter how good a father he is otherwise.

He needs to understand that what he's doing isn't working for him or for his son or for the family as a unit.

I believe that it's fine for parents to have different styles when it comes to this sort of thing but that if you are wildly different, someone has to take the lead and the other follows.

I am the disciplinarian in our house. Not because I'm strict and shout, but because I have a better grasp of how to keep our son in line and implement consequences. My husband sees this and let me take the lead. Now that our son is nearly 3 my husband has tuned into how I'm doing things and has picked up tips along the way. I see him doing the same things now. For example: warning son "you're not playing safely with that toy. If you throw it again I will have to take it away from you for ten minutes" then using a timer and reiterating the rules to our son before he gets the toy back. That's just one example but it's something my husband wouldn't have naturally thought to do. But he's let me take the lead and now follows what I do.

He has his own style of parenting and does things with our son that I don't do and that's great, but he has the humility to admit that when it comes to "discipline", he wasn't sure what to do and it's ok for one parent to take the lead.

Your husband is lacking humility at the moment. He needs to learn that he's not a bad father if he holds his hands up and says "in this particular aspect of parenting I'm getting myself in a bit of a muddle and I think your approach is better. However I do think we should be a bit firmer on x y and z." Then you can talk about how you are going to tackle things together.

He shouldn't be ashamed to let you take the lead the same way you shouldn't be ashamed if he's the one who is, for sake of argument, teaching him to ride a bike, or better at comforting him at night, or gets him to brush his teeth without a fight where you can't, and so on.

If my DH called my daughter a horrible, disgusting child I would leave him on the spot

You call it a parenting style, but it sounds like it's not an intentional "style", it's his unfiltered reaction under pressure. Does he realise there are skills and techniques he can learn? Can you give him a practical book like "How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and Listen So Little Kids Will Talk", or pretty much any mainstream parenting book about little kids? I'm not going to pretend I never snap and shout, but at least I know there are alternatives. I'm not sure your husband does - he might just think every parent just improvises according to their personality and levels of tolerance.

Do you think he would read some parenting books?

I would suggest 123 Magic and How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen

Does he acknowledge that there is a problem with his style?
Does he have any Dad friends he can ask about their discipline style?

@Yourethebeerthief @TulipsAndForgetmenots you are right, no intentional style. Just winging it, I wish he’d have the humility to read some parenting books. He thinks new style parenting is too soft without being willing to understand it. The use of ‘gentle parenting’ is a misleading term in my opinion - he thinks it entails letting kids get away with what they want.

I honestly don’t think he sees what he’s doing. He denies the words that I have heard him use in the heat of the moment and I can’t work out if he is just deflecting because he’s ashamed or if he genuinely isn’t aware of what he’s said when he’s mad.

Either way we can’t talk about it without a big drama and it makes me really sad.

Ive told him I am feeling really sad today and he says that we need a date night. I feel like that would be papering over the cracks and what we need is a joined up parenting strategy and more respect for each other.

@Mrsmozza123 he needs to agree to read one of the books. Not something that bills itself as "gentle", but one that shows how much more effective thoughtful communication techniques are, when dealing with a small child. I think that's all you can do - stress the effectiveness angle, don't let him frame it as a battle between tough and soft.

Can you video him interacting with the dc and let him watch it later, not to criticize, but to allow him to see what he is doing?

I cannot recommend brat buster parenting on Instagram enough. Bite sized videos and longer Q&As on YouTube. Her approach would appeal to your husband as she's anything but soft but she talks about being a leader to your children so will also appeal to your desire for respect, boundaries and consequences without shouting at your child or losing your cool.

www.instagram.com/reel/C74DlEOxsFJ/?igsh=ODNod2lrc2hkZWl0

Do you not think this will really get his back up? I wouldn't take my spouse seriously on communication and behaviour management techniques if their idea of resolving conflict is to video me.

@@Yourethebeerthief
brat busters is great thanks!!