Just so burnt out from parenting

[Squasher]

I have a just turned 4 year old and a nearly 1 year old.

4 year old is so so high needs. Pre school think he may be neurodiverse. On a waiting list for an autism assessment but school think more likely to be ADHD (but won’t assess until 6). He needs almost constant supervision/stimulation when he is awake otherwise he is dangerous and destructive.

1 year old wakes at least twice a night but the last few weeks it’s been 4 or 5 times a night. Have sleep trained twice but it never sticks. No real option to leave him to cry excessively as it wakes my eldest who will sprint round the house at 3am. He’s a typical 1 year old. Into everything. No attention span. Crashes round causing chaos.

DH and I are like strangers existing in a house together. Both so tired and burn out. I’ve done literally nothing but parent for a year straight. I can’t even face messaging friends as it’s mental energy I just don’t have.

I’m due to go back to work soon and I could cry at the thought of it. I want to go to get a break but I feel I might be dangerous with this level of exhaustion.

I’m not sure what I want from this post really. I’m just so burnt out. I think I should probably see the GP because I feel quite depressed. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this and it has got better?

Hi @Squasher - I could have written this. I have the clingiest ten month old in the world - screams when I put her down - and a 4.5 year old whose nursery have just spoken to me about the possibility of ADHD, and recommending we get a paediatrician referral so that she gets the support she needs when she starts school in September.

I'm exhausted too. The baby feeds maybe six times a night but in addition to that is very fussy and constantly grabbing and pulling me - she needs a lot of physical contact. When our older DD is home, everything is a battle - and it's so, so draining. The hyper spells where she's high energy and raving around, the crazy emotional rollercoaster, the tantrums - unfortunately there's no other word for it, she goes into meltdown regularly.

My coping mechanism at the moment is exercise. I've agreed with DH that I'm taking 5 x 1 hour sessions a week to go for a swim, a cycle, a walk, whatever. It's time out for me as I can listen to an audiobook or music, plus it helps keep me in a positive frame of mind as I'm doing exercise.

I have no advice, I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. This is the hardest time of my life.

Thanks for your reply @RrdPandaFluff and I’m sorry you are having similar issues. My DC1 goes to pre school 5 days/week 9-3 as I physically can’t look after both of them on my own day in day out. It’s like looking after two 1 year olds DC1 is so high energy, risky and demanding of attention. I’d lose my mind as well. He just follows me round talking incessantly or demanding I play with him but then running off anyway. DH works shifts though so I not infrequently have them on my own 3-bedtime or weekends. It’s hell to be honest. It’s not ‘parenting’ at all, it’s fire fighting. If I’d known this would have been my existence I would have never had children.

When our older DD is home, everything is a battle - and it's so, so draining. The hyper spells where she's high energy and raving around, the crazy emotional rollercoaster, the tantrums - unfortunately there's no other word for it, she goes into meltdown regularly
Ive never related to a paragraph so much in my life.

Have you considered private assessment for your DC1?

@RrdPandaFluff you are also right about trying to calve out time for yourself. Currently DH and I tag team, one child each when he is around as it is so close to impossible managing them both together. He works really flipping hard as well so it’s not like he’s getting much of a break. But, to be honest, work is a break compared to this situation.

"risky" - YES. I look with disbelief (and envy) at parents who let their four year olds scoot ahead on footpaths, whether running or on bikes etc. DD has zero road sense even though we're relentlessly trying to drum it into her. And she'd walk away with anyone who promised her a bar of chocolate or a puppy. She pays no heed to our instructions to stay within the garden when playing outside. We just can't trust her at all. That in itself is knackering!

Fire-fighting is exactly the term. Barely surviving, definitely not thriving. And I do find myself resenting DH when he's away for work for three nights because he gets to sleep peacefully, eat nice meals and generally live a nice civilised life!

I agree. Working is easier . . . and pre-kids, I never thought I'd hear myself say that!

Oh - you mentioned private assessment; yes, I'm going to see if I can have this done via my work health insurance as I added both kids to it when they were born. Fingers crossed it's covered as I understand there's a long wait otherwise . . . have you been told how long it takes?