A bit of perspective please? Really struggling with my 1 year old

[charliearm]

I’m hoping for some advice and stories of your children around a similar age (14 months), as I’m finding it so tough at the moment.

My son is a lovely, lovely little thing – but he’s always been very “intense” since he was born. Screamed the second he was put down, every single nappy change (for example), wouldn’t go in pram at all, massive witching hour(s) every night, would never nap independently, seemed very overwhelmed and upset at even the calmest meet ups and baby groups. I really struggled.

This is just to give a bit of background, as what I want to ask – is this behaviour normal? Cut to 14 months, and he seems so much more intense than the other babies I’ve met – I’m constantly on edge about the next tantrum (if you can call it that this young). The smallest thing will set him off, and when he gets upset he lunges and lunges at me trying to bite me, screaming and flailing, it’s just so hard to calm him down and it’s often all I can do just to keep him safe and not hurting himself. I’m covered in bite marks and bruises. After a particularly bad night tonight, I’m lying next to him in tears, after he’s fallen asleep.

He still gets so upset, almost hysterical if we try and go anywhere in the car. Rhyme Time at the local library seems to be the only baby group that doesn’t completely overstimulate him. I’m not sure what I’m after really, just a hand hold and some advice from people who’ve been there perhaps?

I have a wonderful husband, but he’s often working long hours, no family support and few friends nearby.

This obviously sounds very negative, I feel guilty for even writing it. There are many, many joyous moments too. But it’s tough, and I feel very alone.

Thank you. Xx

I have no solution for you but I also have a 22 month old like that. He Is a bit easier since he got more steady on his feet and can play with toys independently. But the tantrums, my god they're intense, and always have been. I've got the hang of picking up cues that he's about to bite but it's exhausting (fortunately he's never done it outside the house). Really hope this is something he grows out of once his communication improves🤞.

My child was like this and they had undiagnosed/undetected glue ear, infected swollen adenoids and sleep apnea. The chronic exhaustion made him clingy, stressed, sad and angry.

What is his communication like? Can he say any words? Does he use any gestures?

(sorry you’re having such a tough time!)

My daughter was intense and cried a lot. Had a short fuse and was impossible to keep occupied. For her it was due to allergies and reflux. She got to symptoms free with the allergies at 15 months that made a difference. Her reflux goes in and out of being controlled by meds. She's nearly 4 and shows no signs of outgrowing it. She is much calmer now and has a very high pain threshold and takes everything in her stride. I think it's because of how hard her first year was.

He sounds similar in a lot of ways to my ten month old. I put it down to her being super intelligent (maybe making myself feel better). She has many gestures and says a few words, has been walking since 8 and half months but wow can she throw a tantrum- I didn’t know it was possible this young! I have no advice but solidarity. Some babies (and adults) are just more highly strung than others.

I have a 14 month old and the tantrums are intense. The screaming is awful. Never had him bite or try to hurt me tho, that sounds very tough. What you describe seems a bit more intense than my experience. Might be worth speaking to Gp or health visitor? Sorry it sounds tough!!

My son hit terrible 2s at 14 months old, I found the biggest thing to help with mine was to not engage or respond to a tantrum at all it's hard especially at first but if your constant with it they slow down and stop. I couldn't even walk past his bedroom door if he was having a tantrum because it would go on for longer

Big thing to remember is at this age they have a lot of big feelings but don't know how to deal with them or communicate them, and on top there are testing there boundaries

If you struggling with it the best thing to do is contact your health visitor or GP and they should be able to guild you give to advise and help

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really means a lot, and to hear everyone’s such varied experiences too. Thank you. Lots to think about. Sorry and solidarity for those also having a tough time, it seems a tricky age for some!

On communication – he can gesture in the direction of something he wants. Not many words yet. “Doggie” seems to be the only one in context (v cute). He says Mama/Dada – but more babbling, not necessarily to refer to one of us. Very vocal, lots of different sounds, but no real words in context yet.

Sorry you're going through this. I've got two children and they've both been very different with the current 16 month old being very active and more fearless but if I'm being honest neither of them have been how you describe. If he's demonstrating sensory seeking behaviours which is what the biting and hitting may well be have a look into regulatory activities that you could do around the dysregulating activities x

Re the sounds and communication, my 14 month old is very similar. I think what you describe there in terms of communication sounds very normal.

I would still be concerned about how extreme the tantrums are and the biting/hurting tho.

Does he point to show you interesting things eg dogs, aeroplanes? Does he bring you toys to show you (rather than because he needs you to do something with them)? Just checking the joint attention is there as that’s the foundations of communication, and once he starts communicating it may be the tantrums stop because he can tell you what he wants.

Some babies are easy, some babies are not, and they will turn into easy and difficult toddler. This doesn't mean anything is wrong with them.
Emotions can be very confusing for a young child. Adults have learned to control emotions. If I lose a contract , I won't start screaming or throwing myself on the office carpet even if I am very displeased, because I control my emotions.
Tantrums and outbursts are part of a normal development. Sometimes we send confusing messages to kids, because we embrace and exaggerate happy emotions (cheering, laughing, happy dances, clapping) but then when there is a negative emotion that has the same level of expression from the child, we are lost.

It is ok to be displeased. It is ok to manifest it if he doesn't like a situation. I hate corporate and official events. I hate them with all my core . Yet I have to attend them and be next to my husband smiling and charming. But I have to be there. Your child doesn't enjoy groups. You don't have to do them.

Social and emotional maturity will come. Not every child start walking at the same age. Not every child reaches maturity at the same age.

You, however , should not let him hurt you. You must be strict and stern. And please be honest. Show your emotions. He is doing something good, let him know with your words, voice and body language. He is doing something wrong, ditto. Show him you don't like that.

Your son is absolutely normal. Everything will pass.

Talk to health visitor the biting in particular. The frustrated tantrums are normal. Is he walking? They get much happier in general when they are walking BUT much less able to accept no as they have more agency

Mine was like this. But then I'm pretty highly strung too. I wish I had taken it a little less personally. He's a lot easier now at 5 (and I'm better at distinguishing between attention seeking, whining or actual need)

Thanks, I will do. Not walking yet (but close I think, hopefully soon!), I think this will really help him. Things definitely got better for us once sitting-up, then again when crawling (11 months).

Thanks again all. Xx

That sounds really hard! I have a 12mo and a nearly 3yo. So perspective: my 3yo used to bite, it was always for attention, it’s how he could communicate before he could talk. 12mo is so frustrated he can’t communicate and throws things (my eldest didn’t as was already saying a few words at 12mo). It will get better. I mean, it’ll be something different when they’re 3 but frustrated tantrums will pass. Stay strong.

I was going to say this my high needs baby ( yes easily overwhelmed, yes tantrums well before 12m,yes biting) is on course for a first in a STEM subject @ Oxbridge- still high needs tbh. I think it can be related to high intelligence.....

DS1 was exactly like this as a baby. To the letter.

He’s now 4.

Still very intense, still exhausting, still very high needs, still extremely hard work compared to his peers.

Extraordinary intelligence is beginning to become more and more apparent as time goes on. Im a little unsure whether to write this as well, but both us and school are also becoming suspicious he may be neurodiverse.

Keep an open mind. My son is still hard but it’s a lot more manageable than when he was 14 months. Wouldn’t repeat that time for literally anything.