Awful time with 2.5 year old

[RandomUsernsme123456]

My very loved DS is 2.5 and for the past 8 weeks or so sleep has just gone crazy. It started when he could climb out of his cot, so we removed the sides. This was the start of him getting out of bed several times a night and taking over an hour to get down at bedtime. I think he’s transitioning away from naps but at the same time isn’t getting enough sleep over all.

He is a big mummy’s boy and will kick up a huge fuss if his dad goes in to settle him, hitting, biting, screaming. It’s just easier for me to do it but I’m getting exhausted, and if I’m honest resentful as I’ve taken the lions share of nighttime parenting since birth.

Alongside this his tantrums are getting pretty intense. He’s full time at nursery (we both work full time) and has got into a nasty jag of biting, hitting, head butting, he even jabbed a member of staff with a fork this week. He understands he’s done wrong, and will come over to say he’s sorry. But the other kids of course, understandably don’t like it, and one little girl said ‘ds is a naughty boy’ to me at pick up yesterday which was sad. Nursery have tried to help, had someone from the LA early years team come to observe him but no real follow up. And I’m wondering now if it’s a good setting for him. Am I doing the wrong thing working full time, although working certainly isn’t optional for me. It’s much needed income.

At home we tell him hitting/biting is unkind, makes us sad, we will also move him away from us to a safe place if he is getting too much. We could try taking a toy away, grandparents have suggested biting him back which seems extreme and feels like it’s only teaches him to fear us.

We have a health visitor coming to see him on Monday but I’m just exhausted and at the end of my teather. Ive also got elderly sick parents (a while other thread) I’m just so sad and tired at the moment.

Any advice, words of encouragement appreciated.

First thing is you need to get him to accept your DH at night. You need to be firm even if it means a few hellish nights. You don't go anywhere near his room, just leave them to it. You could stay away somewhere overnight if needs be. An exhausted and stressed you is not what your ds needs.

I'd be taking a different approach on the kicking and biting. The gentle approach you are taking does work with some children but it's not working with yours, for some kids at 2.5 it's asking too much to have the empathy to understand that it's wrong because it hurts people. You need a more concrete system. Agree something consistent with your DH. E.g. every time he kicks or bites he simply gets a firm "No!" and an immediate time out of 2 minutes where you leave the room. Stay calm and repeat as necessary. You can have a reward system alongside this so every time he goes a day without incident at nursery he gets a sticker or small treat.

Please read this. Very sensible advice.

Generally, at this age, what children want more than anything is attention from their parents. For a child, the attention is still attention even if it is a telling off. Try to spend as much quality time as possible with him. Turn your phone off (we're all guilty of this) and talk to him, praise him for anything he does well - even sitting down watching tv, washing his hands, eating a snack.... "Well done X you're doing such a good job there!" It takes a while, but you'll get used to it.

The opposite of this is to remove attention if he misbehaves. As previous poster said, remove him from a room for two minutes. Don't go into to much details, have a sentence that you say every time "That's not nice behaviour, sit here to think about it".

Good luck OP, we've all been there.

This is great advice. Thank you!

Im away for work for two nights soon, so we’ll use that as a starting point for getting him to accept dad at night. He does love him dad but it’s all about playing having fun with him, it can be quite hurt full when he’s screaming for me and telling him to go away but we do just need to power through. He’s only little after all.

We’ll look into time outs and how to apply them consistently in and out of the home. He’s us a strong willed child and the gentle approach just isn’t working for us. I love the idea of a little reward when he’s not had an incident at nursery, his little face just lights up when he’s being praised or getting a treat.

I think you’ve had really sensible advice so far. I’d also try dropping the nap- DS started playing up at bedtime around the same age, stopped the nap and he was too tired to protest much. Also, how is his speech and has he had a hearing check? Whilst I don’t disagree that it needs a firm NO and a time out or ‘thinking spot’ as we call it on our house, the biting/hitting behaviour is often a result of frustration with communication if they can’t express themselves or can’t understand others properly.

@InTheRainOnATrain The nap is absolutely an issue but nursery don’t want him to drop it as he finds it harder to regulate if he is tired. I said I wanted the nap to be reduced by 15mins a week and they pushed back. We compromised on an hour max but honestly it is a key factor in a lot of the bedtime issues at the moment.

Love the phrasing of it as a ‘thinking spot’ do you leave them to do their thinking alone or sit with them?

His speech is good, no delays or anything. And his hearing is absolutely fine when it’s something he wants to hear (a fave tv show, or treat!) but ignores us when we are saying something he doesn't like. I do think he has some frustration around communication but nothing out of the ordinary.

Op first your hubby and son needs to persist with the bedtime routine- it's gonna be tough for both at the beginning but they need to crack it down, it's easier for you to put him to bed atm, but imagine what if you will be sick or at work, simply unable to do it.
You will be exhausted, your husband frustrated, there's gonna be arguments- unnecessary.
Clench your teeth and stick to it.
Let them both find their own bedtime routine, it may be different then how you do it, but that's okay.

Love the phrasing of it as a ‘thinking spot’ do you leave them to do their thinking alone or sit with them?
Mood dependent. Sometimes I find they need a bit of time on their own to calm down. Otherwise a chat about why it was wrong, they say sorry and we get back to playing. I know it sounds proper drippy and it is in essence the same thing but I just prefer the idea of reflecting on why it was wrong rather than just time out purely for punishments sake.

Also re the nap, we had a very similar thing. Mine wasn’t a hitter or a biter but he also struggled to regulate without it and did have a tendency to just lob stuff randomly, which is dangerous to anyone nearby. We ended up cutting down his nursery hours to shorter days (I know not an option in a lot of jobs though) and by the time he was 3 it was a none issue as we’d got through the nap transition and he could manage fine.

OP you sound far too soft, sorry.

He’s injuring other children regularly and even tried to use his fork against nursery staff. That is absolutely not ok.

He shouldn’t be getting treats merely for not hitting people. That’s the sort of ‘discipline’ which teachers despair of and has lead to a behaviour crisis in young children.

If he did this to me I shout angrily shout NO and put him behind a stair gate in his room for 5 minutes. He can shout and scream all he likes, he stays in that room.

You need to activate ‘scary mum’ mode a bit because if you keep trying to lovebomb him he will turn into an absolute nightmare.

I agree that you have to look at your parenting and toughen up with him.

Don't do reward charts or anything like that because they send the message: you're a naughty kid but on the off chance you're good then you can have a treat.

The message you should be sending is: you're a good kid but on the off chance you're naughty we will not accept that behaviour.

Get firmer and every time he lashes out a firm "no! We do not hit." And remove all attention. In contrast to this, pick up immediately on good behaviour and fully engage with him. Give him a lot of time down on the floor playing with him. That's what they crave.

If my son dares lash out he knows there is a consequence. All fun stops. He's just over two and a half as well.

Your son needs to know it's simply not on. No chance. Ever. At the moment he knows he gets away with it so he continues to do it. Stop stepping in for your husband at bedtime. That's only cementing for your son that he calls the shots.

Appreciate your advice and perspectives @MaryMaryVeryContrary and @Yourethebeerthief