Not wanting people to hold my baby

[BippityBoppety]

First time mum here. We decided early into the pregnancy to cocoon (not allow visitors, avoid crowded places, etc) for the first eight weeks with our baby girl. We are 6 weeks in with no regrets - it has given us time and space to get to know her and establish routines as a family and we made an exception for my mother-in-law who comes round to help and we have seen some family while social distancing. Lots of family and friends don't seem to understand why we are doing it (to protect our health and baby's health mainly as I have a weaker immune system with M.E. and fibromyalgia and can't afford a crash when looking after her) but most people have been respectful and agreed with our reasons when we explain it.
We are approaching the end of this period and I am a bit anxious about letting other people hold her once we start having visitors and going out. How did you manage this and does anyone have any experience of needing to put difficult boundaries in place? We are part of a church community and don't want to pass the baby along to everyone, we are keeping holding her to just family while she is little.
Also, has anyone had any experience they can share about introducing their baby to a grandparent who was a bad parent? My dad is a lot better now but when I think about him holding my baby, I remember him hitting us as children (smacks that leave bruises) and the times he has exploded in anger, even as recently as shouting at family members last Christmas at a party then walking out. He is keen to hold the baby and even take her out without my husband and myself to give us a rest but I'm getting stressed about it and will absolutely not be letting him take her out without me. We have a good relationship now so I can't bring up the past as it would really hurt him, but I also won't stand for him shouting around my baby. I've previously put boundaries in place about not hitting my dog (he used to use physical punishment on the family dog) and he has respected that but he has applied pressure on other things and not respected boundaries (taking control of my wheelchair to push me when I told him multiple times I didn't want him to push me). How have you managed past trauma with parents and them becoming grandparents?

My mum was incredibly strict and used physical punishment to correct behaviour. She’s like an entirely different person with my baby! She has endless patience and compassion, which she didn’t have with me growing up. She wasn’t a mean or bad mum, just old fashioned parenting approach. She respects my boundaries and doesn’t try to push it. Often our parents are very different with our children than they were with us. See how your Dad is and if he shows any behaviour that you don’t like, then shut it down.

I didnt and don’t like my baby being passed around either. I found it hard at first to enforce that boundary, but confidence comes with time. If you’re not keen on being direct, there are various excuses you can use such as “baby isn’t feel to great at the moment, so is happier being with me right now” “baby needs a feed” etc.

My MIL has been extremely unpleasant and has stomped her way through all of the basic boundaries we put in place (no kissing babies hands/face, don’t wake him up etc) and was a downright bitch to me postpartum because I breastfed and she told me I shouldn’t, tried to get me to give him weetabix at 8 weeks old etc and made relentless shitty comments, snatching him out of my arms the moment she came round. It took a while for me to get confidence and feel well enough to be forceful with my boundaries. She now will not get to see him without me, I will bite back to her comments and I don’t hand him over to her if I don’t feel like it or it’s not in his best interests at that time. She’s starting to realise the more she pushes, the more I pull away

2 very different things here:

1. babies being passed around. Assuming your OH is on the same page you just don't hand them over. Only one person has tried to take my baby out of the pram without asking/me inviting them and I said "oops no thank you 《name》 and moved my body between them and the baby.
   Do you use a sling? Very handy for this kind of thing.

2. your father -
   "can't bring up the past as it would really hurt him" but he doesn't mind overriding your boundaries, keep that in mind. I wouldn't be letting him take my baby alone as I would not be confident that he could manage his frustrations differently this time. I think my line would be "it's fairer for everyone especially 《baby》 if she's not left alone with people for any length of time before she and they have got a chance to get to know each other properly first." That allows you to observe how he is with her (and you) in the meantime.

You don't have to let anyone hold your baby that youre not comfortable with. They are not a parcel. Stick to the people you are confident with and let the baby see plenty of faces and hear plenty of voices.

I don't have any advice for the dad part of the post other than be firm in your boundaries and don't do/allow anything you're not comfortable with.

The first part of your post I can relate to, I had my DD spring 2021 so just coming out of COVID.. we also had two close family members who I knew suffered from cold sores so I was highly anxious. I found most of the time people didn't ask, or pick up without asking, and if I didn't offer they were content with stroking her hand or something. They may not have liked it but no one said anything to my face! If you have people asking just a really simple "not right now thank you, maybe when she's a bit older" with a smile and a quick subject change should shut it down. If anyone pushes you, just be really honest and say "we're only recently out of our cocoon/quarantine period so just adjusting to being around people and I don't feel ready to let others hold her just yet." It's not really something anyone can logically argue with and for most people I would think easy to understand!

Use a sling to avoid the baby being passed around.

Op I’m on my third now and we had boundaries with all them as they all were around for Covid and we were being cautious. But Covid aside, l think it’s perfectly sensible and fine to not pass them around like parcels if you are not comfortable. In our case, we just said out straight we won’t be passing them around while they are so tiny. This was also on the advice of the hospital so I didn’t feel too bad despite some annoyance from family. We also had a very unwell baby at one of the births and honestly I just didn’t want to have to deal with that again if I could avoid it! Well done for recognising your boundaries and planning to stick to them. Don’t ever feel bad about it either. The worry goes once they are that bit sturdier (well for me it did) and actually with a toddler in montossori now full of germs I’m sure people don’t even want to hug her😂

I know you are trying to protect baby but her immune system needs to develop, doing that in the summer by letting at least family and friends around her will be far better than suddenly taking her out and about more freely when flu season starts.

The best thing you can do is stick to breastfeeding because your body will make antibodies for whatever shes been exposed to, smelling baby's head / breathing in the pathogens triggers your body's response to produce the antibodies particularly for things you have already been exposed to.

As for your dad, strong boundaries and not being left alone to start with. Some grandparents do turn it around because whatever was stressing them in their parenting yearsish no longer a issue although it does sound like your dad's go to is physical correction so I'd keep an eye out.

On the first half, re cocooning/church etc, I'd suggest you take baby in a sling to church. That way, baby will stay with you or dad! That being said, to be it doesn't sound healthy for your baby's immune system to be hidden away like this, and unless baby has health issues/premature, seems totally OTT to me. But each to their own I guess 🤷

Baby first came to church with us on day 6, education was the first Sunday after birth. She was in a sling, no one asked to hold her. By that time we'd seen most family, had several outings, and we went for a pub lunch straight after church. No bugs were picked up. My second was in soft play by 2 weeks, surrounded by snotty toddlers. Again, absolutely fine.

If you appreciate the quiet time together, then that's up to you, but I think it's really sad that baby can't even have time with close friends and family for two whole months!

Take the baby in a sling to places so no one has a chance to help themselves but I must echo the poster who said about it’s good for babies immune system to be around other people in the summer, rather than in winter when absolutely everything goes around. So it may be worth allowing some family in and to hold baby rather than social distancing because baby currently isn’t around anything or anyone else. Come winter a first cold could hit them hard

I’ll also echo the poster above me, it’s quite sad months in that family aren’t allowed to give the baby a cuddle. Are you denying your baby bonding time with their family…

re your dad - I’m a very honest person I would just tell him outright that you’re sorry, but due to your childhood you’re unsure how you feel about him having baby on his own. Yeah he will get upset but it’s his own fault. Xx

Well there are 2 separate things here:

• your father was a bad parent and you are concerned about what he might do/say/shout around your baby. I would just keep a close eye and intervene if any problems arise. Only if he shows himself unfit to be around her is it worth putting your foot down - he might surprise you - my Mum surely did.
• others holding your baby .... I think you need to relax a bit with this. My first-born arrived when my OH was doing his house jobs as a hospital doctor. The baby often finished up being handed round the doctors' mess at mealtimes - she loved it and beamed at everyone. Baby needs to get used to people of all sorts - she will become a really sociable baby if you give her the chance.

Such over the top parenting isn't going to do you OR your daughter any favours.

You're going to be the one hovering over her not letting her be independent aren't you 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

Cocoon? That's a new one.
Please relax, people aren't literally waiting to steal your baby out of your arms! Your hormones are just working overtime.

Thank you everyone! Great ideas about using a sling and how to put boundaries in place and deter people from holding baby, I'll definitely be using those 😊 As for the comments on cocooning - I know it is not for everyone but it has really worked for us and given us the time and space to recover from the birth and bond with her. Once she hits 2 months (end of June) we will be out and about meeting people (several parties/events already booked in for July) so she will have plenty of opportunities to socialise and pick up germs. I have checked out a few baby and toddler groups for September too. We have had my MIL round to babysit and my family are scheduled to visit in a few weeks (they live across the water) so she will be able to meet them soon. Perhaps some posters shouldn't be so critical without all the information or understanding the context of managing a chronic health condition, a weaker immune system and the early days alone with a newborn. Our health visitor fully supports our decision and we spoke to multiple midwives about cocooning and they also supported it.
I'm really encouraged by all your experiences with parents/grandparents and managing requests to hold the baby - thank you! I'm ready for the visit and I think it'll be a positive experience 😊

I can relate to both your concerns. Firstly the bad parent issue - after I had my daughter, I left her age 18 mths with my mum for about ten mins, as soon as I got back I stripped her naked to check for bruising head to toe, mum realised what/why I did it and instantly brought up the past, apologising for what she did to me and how she would never ever hurt my child. I am glad it opened an opportunity for us to discuss what she did to me, and to hear her apologise for the first time. I can forgive but cannot forget, I will not carry that bitterness and resentment around with me because I believe it is what has made me ill, I also have fibromyalgia/M.E/CFS. I would not let anyone go near my baby for 6 mths after she was born, again maybe relates to things that happened to me as a child I decided I could not trust anyone near my child. Hope you get all the help you need to overcome your trauma from the past and to focus on a happy and healthy future with your lovely new baby.