Life is HELL since ds turned 8 months.. Feeling like I’ve ruined my life as a first time mum..

[Overthebs]

I’ve posted on here before re struggles with our DS.. who turned out to be badly tounge tie. Which we had done before Christmas and he seemed to settle lots.

We had a nice period maybe 4-6 months where he slept well. Then sleep regression seemed to hit - great no sleep but I could function on around 2-3 wake ups.

However since around 3/4 weeks ago since he started crawling my life has been HELL.

Firstly he doesn’t sleep for us.. nap times have gone out the window - hell onto contact nap or sleep when walked in the pram/car seat. He cries all night for no reason, falls asleep in our arms put him down then 5 mins later he’s back screaming. He has 2 x bottles and eats all 4oz then still cries (for context he sleeps really well with my mum who has him to help out 1 night per week- no issues one wake up and one 4oz bottle)
I can’t leave the room for him crying… won’t go in his playpen with the door shut or he screams.
… refuses to eat what I give him.. spitting it out hitting the spoon away then crying.
I can’t change his nappy or get him cleaned/dressed without a tantrum crying flipping everywhere?! resulting in many poo explosions with me covered in literal sh*t.

He's started nursery and he’s fine with them.. he’s better with my mum (can play up a little with nappy changes if she leaves the room- but nowhere near as extreme with me).

It’s like he hates me/DH and it’s really starting to affect my MH.. I’ve found myself getting really angry with him and then the other day I just shut the door on the living room and he screamed for about 30 mins and I just sobbed.

What am I doing wrong?! I’m so calm usually with him, get him doing activities everyday.. swimming.. the zoo.. museums.. he’s well socialised with other babies and family!! I just don’t get it and I’m at my wits end.. DH is supportive but it’s hard cos he works all day.

He seems advanced like he’s quite intelligent and he’s basically pulling himself up to walk - I’m wondering is it frustration? Because he’s like ahead of the curve but can’t communicate/we’re treating him like a small baby still?

You are doing nothing wrong at all! Some babies are just worse at sleeping than others for whatever reason. My dd was awful, waking every 45 minutes, struggling to nap. It’s so difficult, I do feel for you. But it really isn’t anything you are doing or not doing, it’s just how he is at this phase of his development.

Tantrums around feeding, nappies, baths etc is all very normal.

At around 8 months I was quite unwell with the lack of sleep and I paid a sleep consultant called Andrea Grace for a couple of hundred quid and she gave us a plan to do. Now this is a version of controlled crying so not for everyone. But it did work. All the other stuff is easier if you can get some sleep obviously. The fact that he sleeps with your mum is a good sign that he can settle. Again this is not uncommon that they will settle and it’s nothing to do with you or that you are doing anything wrong. You are not, you are doing a great job.

If it's getting you this exhausted and upset I'd do controlled crying too. When our children were small our kids just had to go down or the new baby would have had all my time and the toddler would have starved and stayed in a wet nappy. Sometimes needs must. A happy rested mum does matter to a child.

My youngest was like that. In the end, I let her contact nap.

When your mum has him, is that at yours or hers?

Will he eat for others? What about finger food rather than spoonfuls. Both mine preferred feeding themselves to being fed. My youngest also would much rather have eaten on my knee than in her high chair because she wanted constant contact with me. I used to do nappy changes so bent over my cheek was against hers for a while. Essentially all her issues were caused by the fact that she wanted to be in my arms at all times when I was there.

Is he at nursery because you’re returning to work? I found motherhood suddenly clicked into place when I went back. DS loved being around other children at his childminder, gelled well with her, and I realised very few people are suited to being a SAHP for more than very short periods.

It could totally be frustration. I found this age really hard because it's like when they are younger they don't even know there are things outside their current capability, so they don't miss it, whereas they are starting to realise that they COULD do other things but they can't then always coordinate their physical movements or their communication with you so they can't get what they want and it really riles them up. At least, my children have been like that. I found lots of "brain games" seemed to help them - look up "Montessori activities 8 months" on google or any social media. Montessori is a bit of a buzzword these days but it often leads to some really good stuff - I like the Montessori theory of Schemas as this is very useful to understand babies' play at this age. Essentially they are exploring a lot of physical concepts, like space, size, movement, visibility etc. For example they often go through a phase of enjoying putting things into containers - like balls into little pots or baskets or tubs, and tipping them out again, seeing how many they can fit into one, trying to fit things of different sizes into other items.

For nappy changes if you have one of those archway toys with the hanging toys that he might have used at 3-4 months, especially if it has buttons or lights or anything like that, I found bringing that back out at this age was extremely helpful. Never allowed at any other time so it didn't lose its novelty. Or try going to a charity shop and buying a selection of small, cheap toys but again they are kept just for nappy changes. Also, try asking him to help you e.g. when putting on a top, hold it and ask him to push his arm through and then praise him when he gets it right.

Could he be teething? Is he mouthing on everything, red cheeks, excess drool? That can affect their appetite for solids, ability to sleep and make them generally miserable. Try calpol.

Maybe he wants more than 4oz in a bottle? That could be worth trying. It could be a growth spurt.

You could try introducing some baby signs as well. I would just start with 2 or 3 and use them very clearly in front of him when you use the word. Once he starts picking these up you can add more. Baby signing was brilliant with my eldest. Once they start to speak they drop the signs, but it's so helpful for communication in the interim period.

Starting nursery can also disrupt things at home IME. Talk to the nursery and see if they can offer any advice or if they see any similar behaviour there.

If you need to take a break sometimes, put him somewhere safe and just take a break. It's OK.

I could have written this when my DD was at that age OP. She’s about to turn 2 and I PROMISE it gets better. There’s some good advice from other posters here. It was a lot of trial and error for us and a lot of tears, I think the turning point was once she could confidently walk and speak. Looking back, most of the crying and screaming from her was out of frustration, wanting to do more than she was able and me not knowing what she wanted because she couldn’t tell me! She still doesn’t sleep through the night but she’s much more independent now and tantrums only really happen when she’s tired. Just know this will pass and you’re doing a fantastic job. If you can, take some time to have a break, a day or even overnight if DH or your mum can have LO. Its important to look after you too x

Does he perhaps need more milk? Has he started solids?

Oh OP! Same as @TattedBarley here- DC was waking hourly at that age, and when woke would scream and scream. It does pass, I swear. He doesn't always sleep through now but he does a few times a week, and his screaming is usually easier to work out (hungry, tired, didn't want the banana cut in half...)

We sleep trained at 10 months in desperation, as I was going back to work. I do think progressing with weaning helped too as he was guzzling milk all night, so waking loads.

We started giving porridge or some rice pudding before bed, to help us feel assured he was fuller. This meant we could work on wakes not being for milk, which in turn reduced wakes.

It's so so hard. I found that age so hard that I'm not sure I'll manage a second kid. It's not you, it's a phase.

I wouldn’t do controlled crying, especially if you’re already worried about your bond with him.

It’s quite possible that he’s frustrated he can’t move. A friends baby honestly totally changed from being quite uptight and challenging to being delightful and smiley as soon as he could walk. He was an early walker and he’s like a different kid now.

Lots of encouraging him to practice, and trying to make sure he’s full of food & milk?

It gets better x

Hi Overthebs
Bless you this is so tough. Absolutely nothing you have or haven't done. This is key age where separation anxiety hits and can make things so tough. Learning new skills on top of that also adds to sleep disruption. The pulling up will absolutely be one of the things that will be frustrating him too as sounds like he wants to be active and get walking soon!
It really sounds like he is at a point of needing so much reassurance right now. The night waking will deifnitely be to do with that. We often think they may only need us in the day, but sometimes this separation anxiety is acutally the worst at night. Separation anxiety shows that your baby has formed a secure attachment which is a strong indicator of a normal, healthy personality for later life. His behaviour actually demosntartes his strong attachment to you. Sometimes tongue tie can be related to some other tensions in the body that can be looked it. As you see by my name I am a sleep coach. From the holistic approach I look at ALL areas (food, naps, routine, bedtimes, behaviour etc) to help come up with some gentle solutions you can follow. Sometimes it is about looking at any underlying causes and coming up with a tailored plan for you and your family.

All the best
Kate x

ps like others said, it is ok to just 'let him be' when you need a break, with few toys, somehwere safe. Babies also need 'bored time' and to get used to being without you doing something with them all day, so it is fine to do that- and good for their own development.

Eight months is a common age for babies to get very clingy to mum, you're not doing anything wrong and it will pass. I remember visiting a mate who was at this stage and she was obviously feeling at breaking point because DC just wanted to be attached to her constantly - it is very tough but things will improve again, hang on in there.

Heya he’s at hers she has a good set up with everything for him- she loves having him she’s almost a second mum. And he’s a totally diff baby with her- he has a little tantrum at nappy changes and wakes only once at night.
And He’s happy and smiley, feels like with me and dad all he does is scream now like he’s in turmoil constantly and I dunno how to help him. We’ve come out today to the museum and he’s fast asleep in the pram. Seems he’s more settled when we’re out and about and he’s distracted.

Mine is exactly like this and is starting to settle at a year old.

What's worked for us;

White/blue noise on the Alexa at bedtime. Having exactly the same routine.

Pull ups for daytime. And, we give him something forbidden to play with during nappy changes, wooden spoon, the remote, keys etc. Works like a charm and he's calm through them now

Nice hated being spoon fed. We put his food on his tray and he makes a holy mess but he eats and plays with it without a fuss.

Naps - he may need to drop to two naps now. There's no harm in trying. Again white noise etc or time shopping being out for nap times. It's exhausting and means you get no down time. But, he should sleep better at night. Sleep begets sleep when it comes to babies.

Baths - new toy or bubbles. Let him stand holding the bath to remove nappy. We play games like putting the duck into a bowl or pouring water, bath time tummy time - not for the faint hearted

Often if they are fussing and being difficult it boils down to one of three things:

Tired
Hungry
Bored

Figure out which one it is and work with it. The other possibility is teething in which case burn the house and the warmth from it to lull you both asleep curbside.

If it's teething, we use a frida mom silicone toothbrush- put calpol straight on it and give it to him to chew on (pre measure and use the squirty thing) and half a dose before bedtime. Teeth pkay up at night due to the added blood pressure in their skulls when laying down.

No, don't do controlled crying..just accept that he's a baby, being a baby. You're taking it all far too personally! He's probably struggling still with the transition to nursery. Terrible time to teach him you don't respond when he cries.

Also it's probably teething as well as normal separation anxiety..just a phase.

Thanks for all your supportive comments and advice.. seems we’ve just hit a new stage of ‘baby’ and I’m struggling to keep up/knowing how to support him. That coupled with lack of sleep and I’m starting work again next week 3x days (thankfully not full time).. I think I’m just really worried how I’m gonna function. I mean part of me is thinking it might acrually be a good thing to get us some separation and me some breathing space 🤦‍♀️