4 year old behaviour- is this normal?

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My DD is a lovely child, thoughtful, kind etc but recently I've been struggling with behaviour issues. She is generally fine when more people are around but 1:1, especially with me as the primary carer she is pushing boundaries to the limit. I've been trying to pick my battles but it's become so wearying everything is a fight and she just does not listen to no - which mainly gets said when there's a safety issue like running near roads, jumping off high window sills etc. We didn't have these issues on holiday when other children / families were around and obviously we were available for more 1:1 attention so i don't know if it's boredom or just normal behaviour for her age. She is 4.5 and starting school this year so I wonder if it's anxiety about the change. Behaviour is generally worse towards the end of the day. When I say no she often lashes out at my by hitting, kicking, pulling my hair and being rude. I feel broken by it, very sad and like a failure of a parent. I've read to the book 'How to talk to Kids' several times but it's not helping. Please help / reassure me that this will get better!

What are the consequences of her lashing out? Or not doing as she's told

@FunLurker well it depends on the severity. Towards the lower end it could be a stern 'no'. When she escalates with hitting etc and if she's screaming I do find it harder not to get cross so often end up shouting which I hate and honestly it feels like it doesn't help. With regard to consequences I don't really believe in 'punishing' but if she is watching TV for example I will turn it off or I might say she can't have an ice lolly later but also found this to be pretty ineffective in terms of changing her behaviour

Mealtimes are also a bit painful so if she's messing around / throwing food or being rude at the table I will take the food away and ask her to get down from the table. She can of course come back and eat if she is willing to sit properly

Could you try encouraging good behaviour, so make a sticker chart together and when she gets x stickers she gets to watch a movie, take her doll for a walk, then when she gets xxx she get some chalk, or something. At first make getting the Rewards easy. But it sounds like she's pushing boundaries. Think your handling meal time correct, but if she eats nicely for x amount of night, perhaps you could have a picnic in garden, park or even with her toys.

Thanks for the reply. I think that's a good idea. We had a reward chart for a while but it kind of fizzled out. Thinking back though behaviour was much better. Do they eventually grow out of this?! Guessing a sticker chart isn't going to work long term 😂

she doesn't have any reason to change her behaviour if there are not consequences for the way she is behaving now. So nothing will change

I went through similar trials with one of my children! One of the bits of advice I was given was that some children just stop listening when they hear 'No' all the time and other negative instructions. We defintely saw some improvement when using more positive commands - so rather than 'stop climbing' try 'keep your feet on the floor' etc. It won't solve everything but I found it that they did listen better to instructions and it helped me feel like I wasn't boing a shouty bore all of the time.

Fair point, but what kind of consequences would you suggest for eg. Kicking off because it's time to leave the park? Genuine question as I struggle to find a 'natural consequence' in this kind of situation which doesn't just escalate the conflict.

Thanks for this - helpful advice! I hate being cross all the time!!

My daughter is almost 4 and we don't use sticker charts often but they can be useful in the short term to change behaviour and start solidifying behaviour you want to see.
For example she went through a stage of difficult teeth cleaning so we did a star chart for 3-4 weeks she got to pick the colour of star and for a good clean she got a stick star and a very good clean I drew the outline of the star and she got to colour it in. By week 3 she was getting good teeth cleans every day twice a day and by week 4 we had days where she got very good cleans twice in a day. 6 months on, no reward chart but we have good or very good teeth cleans every day and a bad day maybe once every 3 months

If you are bored of saying no, they will be bored of hearing it. When I feel like this I set myself the challenge of not saying no at all for an afternoon. I can say any equivalent phrase that denote no just not the word. The switch up in vocab can re-engage the preschool with the words I'm saying rather than them disappearing into background static

I wouldn't be labelling her behaviour as anxiety, that's a specific MH issue. Possibly a little worried if it were the night before but not months and months it's far more likely shes just overtired if it's happening towards the end of the day.

Dinnertime is a bit of a nightmare after a long day, try having the main meal earlier, at lunchtime even and then a lighter dinner and maybe supper before bed. If you can't rearrange the meals, perhaps prep them before hand at a better point in the day so you are available more during that crunch point.

Decrease the number of demands on her, reduce the sensory input / or raise it depending on what works for her. Some children behave better in calm and quiet others like to dance around the kitchen to some Kidz Bop. Some thrive running around the park whereas others prefer quiet board games. I used to keep easy to play board games in the kitchen like Connect 4 so we could play whilst I cooked etc.

when things get too much or confusing always remember you don’t want to reward bad behaviours or behaviours you don’t want to see again

clear boundaries are needed

the minute she hits, lashes out etc, not acceptable , something taken away and she goes to a quiet place to reflect

if you shout it might make you feel great short term, but you re giving her reasons to repeat the bad behaviours

unwanted behaviour -> clear warning -> if repeated then take something away and quiet/reflection time -> at the end discuss what went wrong

good behaviour -> lots of kisses, cuddles and mummy/daddy time

no it doesn’t get better, it gets worse if you don’t tackle

be calm and you can do it x

Yes PP is right "No" is a bad word to use with little children. No/Dont doesn't actually mean anything, it's not an instruction it's just surplus, instead of telling children what you don't want them to do, tell them very concisely what you Do want them to do. A positive instruction "Walk on the grass" requires less brain gymnastics/processing than a "Don't" instruction where they gave to process the "Don't / No" alongside the "Run in the road" and end up just doing the end bit.

I trained DD to stand still and make her body safe if I shouted "STOP!" And we practised at the park, and she had a go at being the shouter too and making sure I did it right. With a bit of practise it becomes a bit Pavlovs dog and completely automatic.

I also think it can help to warn the child you have 10 minutes left then it's time to go or 5 more slides on the slide then we're going and say why you need to go. We're going as mummy has to start dinner, do the washing, daddy will be home, its getting cold out even mummy need a wee (my kids use to laugh so much at this)
Also instead of asking what would you like for dinner/drink/to wear say would you prefer X or Y, it can seem easier.
Consequences can be hard but chose your battles. We had rules that always had to be kept, holding hands on road, cleaning teeth but then had rules I'd like but could over look like wearing their favourite wellies with shorts.

Thanks everyone, loads of helpful advice here ❤️

I definitely do all of this. Especially needing a wee as not enough parks have loos around here 🤣