DW having operation…what to tell DD (4yo)?

[BenHolland]

Hi all! My wife is going into hospital on friday for a (not massive fingers crossed) operation. We have a 4 year old DD. Tried to explain the story last night to DD and this morning DD would not stop crying or let go of mum.

Just about got her to school! Any tips on how to deal with this? DW will be in hospital overnight and then not able to pick up / play much with DD for a month or so.

Thanks all!

When DC was the same age DP had a life or death operation (heart transplant). We just said Daddy was going to go and have an operation to make him better and we can go and visit and take a present when it’s finished.

What story did you explain? They really can’t understand the complexities at that age tbh, probably best to stick to very simple terms and just give lots of reassurance.

I hope your DW has a speedy recovery.

We maybe tried to give too much detail…you won’t be able to jump on mum afterwards etc. I like your approach! Then deal with the details as they come up. Thanks!

I had an operation when my eldest was that age. I think we just tried not to make a big deal out of it. I'm not even really sure we told her it was an operation (she certainly didn't know what it was for). Just said I had to go into the hospital and she and daddy would come see me after school. I didn't stay overnight though, they came back and picked me up in the evening.

I'd been away overnight before though, so it would have been no big deal, just mummy will be away for the night and we'll see her tomorrow (I probably wouldn't come to visit in that case). And then we probably just said I was feeling a bit tired and poorly when I got home and she had to be extra helpful getting me things and helping me.

I think the important thing is not to make it out to be something scary and upsetting. It's just a night away to see the doctor and then mummy will be home and we'll take extra good care of her.

I would just be very matter of fact about it. "Mummy has got a poorly [foot] so she is going to the hospital on Friday so the doctors can make it better".

Thanks for all the tips and tricks! Will try and keep it simple and see how it goes.

Update! DW in hospital and expected to be home tomorrow. DD woke up in the night crying for mum which is unusual. But today seems generally ok. Baked welcome home cakes and made a card.

Going with the “mums going away for a night so the doctors can make her feel better” was a brilliant tip. No more details required! Thanks!

Wishing your wife a speedy recovery @BenHolland 💐

My mum broke her back in Jan 2022 and had an operation on her stomach 6 weeks with a readmission with query sepsis which my daughter saw.

With the back injury she was told she has a poorly back so she can't pick you up or hold you or play on the floor. At first it was easy as she was sofa bound and clearly in pain. Once she got more mobile my daughter needed more reminders about my mum's limitations and to not ask her to pick her up etc.

We spoke quite a bit about my mum being poorly when she was readmitted. We explained she had a poorly tummy and needed to go to hospital for some medication and to be looked after by the doctors. My daughter has food allergies and suggested that maybe my mum needed to have her oat milk to make her tummy better. When she came home she asked if she was better now and we said she is better but still poorly. She's now well enough to be looked after by grandad now instead of the doctors. She's quite weak at the moment and waiting for another operation so I am limiting visits to a couple of hours. I would try to introduce short breaks away from your wife so that she can rest and also I find that when my daughter spends longer with my mum she goes back into normal mode where as when she has a short break 5-10 minutes she goes back and remembers that she needs to be careful. She also knows that some times grandma needs to rest in bed and she needs to be alone.
Keep things simple and relatable to their own life if possible. My daughters reflux gives us a framework to talk to her about other people's illness but other illnesses would work too

Hi all! After a few issues with the surgery turns out it will more likely be a 5 day stay. On day 3 and went to visit with DD yesterday. She took it all amazingly well and the simple explanations mentioned above really helped! Thanks all!

I hope she is well looked after in the hospital and recovers quickly 💐

Easiest way is distraction at this age. Instead of being at home without Mum, or when she’s home recovering, maybe take 4 year old swimming, out on bike, planting things in garden, trip to somewhere so they aren’t thinking about it so
much.

When mum back and feeling a bit better, playing at dining table will reduce chance of being accidentally sat on and bending so much. Lego, crafts, drawing, play dough, puzzles, decorating biscuits or baking

Children are amazingly intuitive when it comes to their parents being unwell. I prescribe lots of cuddles on the sofa watching some movies when she gets home - I remember watching a film called Fly away home with my dd at that age when I was unwell, not sure why I remember but it was the first non overtly kids movie i introduced her to because I'd had enough kids tv not being able to do much myself!

Films on the sofa defo pass the day! Tomorrow the school is closed and tuesday DD will go back. DW will likely still be in hospital.

At the moment she is very insecure if I leave her side.

Anyone got any experience of a school drop off in this situation?

Maybe mention it to the school, just say she’s not herself and a bit worried so they can keep an eye out. Best of luck to you all

I think mentioning to the teacher is probably a good plan. Going to be interesting!

Hi again! Update just in case it helps. DW home after a 5 day stay. What I learned (mostly from posters on here!) is:

• short lookahead is enough! We are going to see mum today but no mention of when she will be home
• simple is good. In hospital so the doctor can make her feel better
• constant reminders that mum is delicate are required. DD was good for half an hour before forgetting and reverting to wrestling moves
• after 5 days of no rules parenting (unlimited tv / snacks etc) it takes a couple of days to reinstate the rules! Going full on cold turkey resulted in a lot of shouting 🤭
• 4 yo’s are much more resilient than i expected. Happily reading books with mum even with a variety of plastic tubes sticking out of her

thanks again all!

Glad she is home.