He doesn’t want to spend Father’s Day with me?

[Doglover321]

Hi all. I’m 27 and have never lived with my dad, only seeing him on and off over the years (long story, but mostly my mum feeling threatened and not allowing it!). He has a girlfriend who he has been with since I was 9 and who has never accepted me, but who I have tried to make an effort and form a friendship with, even sending her nice, girly presents in the post at Christmas. However, her behaviour makes it almost impossible to have a normal relationship with my dad.

She doesn’t want to do anything as a family and will send him constant abusive texts whenever we meet up, which he tells me about. She will ring him constantly, ordering him to go home, which he usually does. He agreed to let my partner and I join them at their New Year’s Eve party and then tried to cancel despite us driving 1.5 hours (we don’t even live near them) and having very almost reached their house. The New Year’s Eve party ended up being amazing bar some strange outburst she had when she found out my mum’s mum had recently passed and my dad didn’t let her know. I then mention to her that my mum has breast cancer, thinking she’d be livid later down the line if no one had told her. She goes mental and shouts at my dad: ‘why is she telling me this?!! I don’t need to know about her mum’s breast cancer!!’, right in front of me, around the table.

Since I told her about my mum’s breast cancer, I’m not allowed to the house. At all.

My half-brother (I’ve got other half siblings, boy 17, girl 9) who is 19 isn’t allowed to have me as a friend on Facebook. My half-sister isn’t allowed Polly Pockets in the house because my mum is called Polly.

Perhaps a bit deluded of me, but I suggested we all go to a local Thai festival together, since she is Thai and it looks really good. It was a no. I suggested I go up and spend Father’s Day with them. It was a no.

I just don’t know how I can maintain a relationship with him really? I personally have nothing against her and have never, ever been rude or anything. She just doesn’t like me, for whatever reason!

I’m not sure if it’s just my mum because even age 9 she was asking me questions like, ‘are your mum and dad (her partner!!) going to get back together?’

Very jumbled story, but any advice welcome. I would like to experience at least one Father’s Day or normal family day out in my life!

My half-sister was also kept a secret for many years, at the girlfriend’s request….

She was apparently very surprised and happy when they finally told her about me and really wanting to get to know her big sister!

No advice, OP. Sounds like a really horrible situation. What does your dad say/do in response to her outbursts/behaviour?! She sounds deluded.

Well, in response to her New Year’s Eve outburst, he was just laughing and looking like he thought she was being ridiculous. He doesn’t make a stand at all and will just do what she says for the most part!

Shall I just accept it’s a no to Father’s Day and meet him next week alone like he wants to do instead?

Life isn’t fair, but I do find it ridiculous that I can’t even pop in for a brief coffee very occasionally. Dunno if I’m just being unreasonable here! Any other step-mums on MN? What do you think?

And it would only be occasionally, since I live over an hour away!

She sounds like she's controlling your dad! Could he be scared of her? I would try call/see your dad when she's not around & tell him how your feeling & explain that if she's keeps coming in between you & your dad then your going to have to stop contact as it's upsetting you. If he doesn't do anything about it then you're prob better off without him.

He sending the clearest message to you, both directly and indirectly (by not challenging her). I'd leave it. He knows where you are if he wants a relationship with you.

Thank you. This is why contact stopped last time TBH, it was just all too much, and he didn’t seem to care when I said she was getting in the way, so chances are I might just have to let the relationship go. I’m just not really getting anything from it, since even if we meet alone she will call him until he comes home!

I've been in a similar situation.
I concluded that there were three issues.

A) As daughter I stood to inherit some money he wanted to leave me and she didn't like that as she wanted everything. So she hoped to cut me out by ostracising me and then telling him it was me "that walked away" so he'd not want to leave me any money as I "didn't love him" and "wasn't a good daughter" etc etc

B) he was thinking with his dick initially and the fact she'd look after him, cook etc. and give him an easy life.

C) And then they joined finances to buy a house and he didn't see how to get out of it without losing a lot of money to her, as she'd want the house leaving him nowhere to go even though he put 75% of the money into it and he wouldn't leave her homeless so he'd do that.

So he figured he'd just go along with whatever she wanted for an easy life and sex. Though I was fine with seeing him occasionally. He though all was good and he was better with the devil he knew than be alone as he didn't think he'd meet anyone.

He did it for me in part, apparently so I'd get my inheritance but I wish he could just have had the balls to tell her to fuck off with her nonsense and by the way your not getting the house if we split, you'll get the 25% you put in. Either accept my daughter or I'm off. But he didn't. And she was hitting him behind the scenes as he told me later. It's unreal.

So I'd suggest don't bother about seeing him on Father's Day. It makes his life easier to not see you so that's his "gift" from you. Peace from the crazy bitch because you're not around him.

See him the following week as planned and try and find out why he is staying with her. If it's similar to my dads situation then you know he is unlikely to leave. Even if she's violent behind closed doors. Men are pathetic.

Thanks! Regarding finances, he’s a private GP and has his own restaurant, owns properties, etc. She’s Thai and from a poor farming background! X

She posts pictures of her on her public Facebook account posing next to him and his colleagues/mates with the caption ‘next to the two doctors’ and boasts about designer clothes, handbags, jewellery, even big cars he’s bought her and the kids

His very elderly mum won’t ‘let’ him marry her because she can see she’s just after their money, and there was an argument between the girlfriend and sister over inheritance!

I'm not surprised! Knew it would be money related. I'm prob right about the other stuff too.

Shame your dad didn't see it. Good his mum does, though in the distant future once she's no longer around......