Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

4 year old constantly winding 5 year old up

23 replies

Elizabethz1 · 11/06/2024 08:32

I have a son who is 5 and my partner has a daughter who is 4 we have lived together for the last 3 years and there has definitely been ups and downs between the kids. They have never really got on very well there has always been bickering and arguing but they can get on and play nicely just very very rarely. Things seemed to be getting better between them so me and my partner decided to have a baby so I am currently 6 months pregnant. Recently the kids have been getting worse and worse with each other and it is mostly DD winding up DS it is constant she will copy him, kick him under the table, follow him around, want everything that he has, she talk over him louder and louder so he can't be heard. He does well most of the time to stay calm and ask her to stop but understandably when she doesn't stop he's gets upset or angry. I'm not saying he is perfect because he definitely has his moments to. DD can be very attention seeking so I think she does it because she knows she gets attention for the behaviour, we have tried ignoring it but it's not that easy when DS is upset or angry by it. This morning my son spoke to me and said he feels sad and angry when DD is here, I chatted with him about trying to stay calm and we tried to think of different ways he can deal with it. I know we need to do something to sort this situation me and my partner have both said that we feel on edge when both kids are here and I now feel my son is feeling the same. My son also said how he feels like he gets wrong for it and he does at times when he reacts angrily, but it is both of them that get asked to stop the only difference is my son will get upset and say sorry for his behaviour, whereas DD isn't bothered she will often laugh and not be bothered it's like she gets a kick out of it. It's just constant she can't be in the same room as him with out winding him up, i feel exhausted by it.
Sorry for the long post my son speaking to me about how he feels this morning had made me realise we can't continue like this.

OP posts:
88Pandora88 · 14/06/2024 06:40

So sorry to hear you're going through this with your kids 😔 do they both live full time with you both or have days with their other parents too?
Have you tried reward charts, stickers for having good days leading to a reward of their choice, such as a trip to the park, zoo, play centre etc, or even just movie night with popcorn and sweets.

When they dongetnom, what is it they're doing? Maybe reinforce those moments and throw the positive praise both their way "you have both been playing so lovely whilst you've been XYZ, would you both like to choose some sweets to go with our movie later?"
Get them both involved with helping do something, such as one gets the forks for tea, other gets the plates, or get them both baking a cake, each weighing and ingredient (with help obviously) at a time so they're working together to create something

LemonCitron · 14/06/2024 06:51

Do both of them spend time with their other parent? Could you adjust contact time so they're mainly with you at different times?

BlondeAussie · 14/06/2024 09:08

88Pandora88 · 14/06/2024 06:40

So sorry to hear you're going through this with your kids 😔 do they both live full time with you both or have days with their other parents too?
Have you tried reward charts, stickers for having good days leading to a reward of their choice, such as a trip to the park, zoo, play centre etc, or even just movie night with popcorn and sweets.

When they dongetnom, what is it they're doing? Maybe reinforce those moments and throw the positive praise both their way "you have both been playing so lovely whilst you've been XYZ, would you both like to choose some sweets to go with our movie later?"
Get them both involved with helping do something, such as one gets the forks for tea, other gets the plates, or get them both baking a cake, each weighing and ingredient (with help obviously) at a time so they're working together to create something

It's heavily implied that the daughter does not live in the OP's household full -time.

This morning my son spoke to me and said he feels sad and angry when DD is here, I chatted with him about trying to stay calm and we tried to think of different ways he can deal with it. I know we need to do something to sort this situation me and my partner have both said that we feel on edge when both kids are here.....

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester 4 year olds 5 year olds Behaviour & development
Victoriancat · 14/06/2024 10:49

Getting pregnant again was the worst idea for this situation

Flopsy145 · 14/06/2024 12:25

Victoriancat · 14/06/2024 10:49

Getting pregnant again was the worst idea for this situation

What a pointless and unhelpful comment. OP is 6 months pregnant, the baby is coming regardless. She's asking for advice not judgement on something that can't be changed from a keyboard warrior hiding behind an anonymous username 🙄

OP does your partner discipline his DD when she is the one starting things? And how often do the kids cross over when not at other parent/s?

aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 12:28

so your son is being bullied and your strategy is to ignore it?

Your partner need to step up, and there has to be a consequence for the girl every time - kicking him!!! why is she allowed to get away with this?

YeahWhateverGoAway · 14/06/2024 12:32

Your son has said he feels angry and sad when yours partners DD is there. Why does he have to work on coping strategies. You acknowledge yourself it's been really tricky for ages. You should be protecting him from this. Which may mean making sure they don't see each other for a while, coming down hard on DD when it happens and worst case being prepared to leave.

Does DS see his dad at all?

Beamur · 14/06/2024 12:41

The new baby on the way could also be a trigger for this - DD feeling potentially a bit edged out but is too little to understand or verbalise, so does what kids do in these situations - plays up to get attention.
Ironically what she probably needs is more love and attention - not less. Firm boundaries around behaviour and lots and lots of praise for her and DS for good behaviour.
All behaviour is communication. She's attention seeking because she feels insecure perhaps?

Original poster
Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:01

Hi everyone thank you for the helpful comments, I think DD does struggle with sharing the attention she gets from dad with other people. Me and my partner have spoke about it alot this week and there have been some changes and this week hasn't felt so bad. We already do both the kids stickers charts for various things so we have changed some of the things on DD chart and added being kind to others. I have also tried to take DS out to the park and on his bike after school to give them both some time with me and my partner separately. Also just to add my partner does not let her get away with the behaviour he will tell her off and she will loose things like her tablet and stuff, she just doesn't seem to be bothered by this so it has so effect what so ever, and I feel DS reaction matters because if he is to get angry at her it's not nice to shout at someone and not what I want to promote and as well as this If DD gets a reactions from DS she continues because that's what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:04

LemonCitron · 14/06/2024 06:51

Do both of them spend time with their other parent? Could you adjust contact time so they're mainly with you at different times?

They do both spend time with there other parent, my son only on a Saturday, and my partners daughter is 50/50.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:06

Victoriancat · 14/06/2024 10:49

Getting pregnant again was the worst idea for this situation

Thanks for the unhelpful comment.
Me and my partner planned to have a baby because at the time the kids were doing alot better than they had been. Kids are unpredictable.

OP posts:
skinnyoptionsonly · 14/06/2024 14:08

The 50:50 is probably the challenge for the girl unconsciously. she acts out as a result and gets attention. Doesn't matter that it's negative.

Are there any other siblings for the girl ?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 14/06/2024 14:12

I feel sorry for your son getting told off for shouting in retaliation. You don’t want a child who is a doormat and it’s normal to get annoyed by someone only a year younger winding you up. You are treating your son like he’s much much older.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2024 14:13

Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:04

They do both spend time with there other parent, my son only on a Saturday, and my partners daughter is 50/50.

Show quote history

Ok, so she's got one step-brother who gets to hang out with HER dad virtually all the time, she's got a new sibling who will be there ALL the time and she's only there half the time. Can you see why she's being a needy, attention seeking madam? How often is your son with his Dad when she's with you?

But also, I have 4.5 year old twins. What you're describing on the whole is a bit "welcome to my life". You have to stop it, correct it, move them apart but they're also just at a really trying age where they're learning their power.

Original poster
Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:39

skinnyoptionsonly · 14/06/2024 14:08

The 50:50 is probably the challenge for the girl unconsciously. she acts out as a result and gets attention. Doesn't matter that it's negative.

Are there any other siblings for the girl ?

yeah that makes sense and after mine and my partners chat we think we need to focus on more quality time with each child. She has an older sister at her mams house who she is the same with as she is my little boy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:41

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2024 14:13

Ok, so she's got one step-brother who gets to hang out with HER dad virtually all the time, she's got a new sibling who will be there ALL the time and she's only there half the time. Can you see why she's being a needy, attention seeking madam? How often is your son with his Dad when she's with you?

But also, I have 4.5 year old twins. What you're describing on the whole is a bit "welcome to my life". You have to stop it, correct it, move them apart but they're also just at a really trying age where they're learning their power.

Show quote history

she is with us 2 weekends out of 4 and my son is at his dads those 2 weekends, so she doesn't get alot of time with just dad, although I work every weekend so when she does get her weekend it is just the 2 of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:46

Thanks for the comments, like I've said we are going to work on more quality time with each parent this will give them more time with us and seperate them 2 a bit more. The part I'm struggling with is how to tell her off in a way that gets through to her, she just never seemed bothered weather its no sticker on the chart or being moved away from the situation or being told off. Obviously we can't make her stop the behaviour and we can't make her feel bad for it or apologise to DS. I dont know maybe I'm asking to much, I think for now I'm going to focus on the quality time and see if that improves things.

OP posts:
aerkfjherf · 14/06/2024 14:58

Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 14:46

Thanks for the comments, like I've said we are going to work on more quality time with each parent this will give them more time with us and seperate them 2 a bit more. The part I'm struggling with is how to tell her off in a way that gets through to her, she just never seemed bothered weather its no sticker on the chart or being moved away from the situation or being told off. Obviously we can't make her stop the behaviour and we can't make her feel bad for it or apologise to DS. I dont know maybe I'm asking to much, I think for now I'm going to focus on the quality time and see if that improves things.

dont assume she doesn't mind being told off, she might have just learnt to hide it. Make sure you give praise when it is due too, and don't worry if she doesn't seem pleased, she might be hiding that too

Ozanj · 14/06/2024 15:02

Elizabethz1 · 11/06/2024 08:32

I have a son who is 5 and my partner has a daughter who is 4 we have lived together for the last 3 years and there has definitely been ups and downs between the kids. They have never really got on very well there has always been bickering and arguing but they can get on and play nicely just very very rarely. Things seemed to be getting better between them so me and my partner decided to have a baby so I am currently 6 months pregnant. Recently the kids have been getting worse and worse with each other and it is mostly DD winding up DS it is constant she will copy him, kick him under the table, follow him around, want everything that he has, she talk over him louder and louder so he can't be heard. He does well most of the time to stay calm and ask her to stop but understandably when she doesn't stop he's gets upset or angry. I'm not saying he is perfect because he definitely has his moments to. DD can be very attention seeking so I think she does it because she knows she gets attention for the behaviour, we have tried ignoring it but it's not that easy when DS is upset or angry by it. This morning my son spoke to me and said he feels sad and angry when DD is here, I chatted with him about trying to stay calm and we tried to think of different ways he can deal with it. I know we need to do something to sort this situation me and my partner have both said that we feel on edge when both kids are here and I now feel my son is feeling the same. My son also said how he feels like he gets wrong for it and he does at times when he reacts angrily, but it is both of them that get asked to stop the only difference is my son will get upset and say sorry for his behaviour, whereas DD isn't bothered she will often laugh and not be bothered it's like she gets a kick out of it. It's just constant she can't be in the same room as him with out winding him up, i feel exhausted by it.
Sorry for the long post my son speaking to me about how he feels this morning had made me realise we can't continue like this.

Your son is older at this age even a few months makes a massive difference. You need to remind him to behave nicely, to call you or DP when he’s upset and to ignore the bad behaviour. Because others are right the attention seeking will get massively worse when the baby arrives.

Original poster
Elizabethz1 · 14/06/2024 15:05

Ozanj · 14/06/2024 15:02

Your son is older at this age even a few months makes a massive difference. You need to remind him to behave nicely, to call you or DP when he’s upset and to ignore the bad behaviour. Because others are right the attention seeking will get massively worse when the baby arrives.

Show quote history

yeah we already do that and he does well with it most of the time but like any person there is only so much he can ignore.

OP posts:
Beamur · 14/06/2024 16:34

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. They are both only little still, so do need help in navigating their feelings and the complexities of blended families.
I'm not surprised that sanctions don't work - it's attention she's after not tablet time.
I think try and distract and de-escalate as soon as the behaviour starts. Divide them and make sure adult supervision is always close.

twinmummystarz · 14/06/2024 22:25

All of this is age related and will improve with time. Enjoy your beautiful new baby when they arrive and enjoy the good moments with your current children too. Blended families are challenging!

Lovefromjuliaxo · 05/09/2024 00:13

Honestly, I know it sounds awful but if my son felt that awful around his stepsister and it hadn’t got any better after a year or so, I would not have stayed, let alone tried for another baby. I know you cant always let children dictate to you, but if your partner lets his child get away with this behaviour…I wouldn’t want to be around. Why did you think a baby was a good idea when the two children still haven’t learned to get along at all in 3 years, and your son is visibly unhappy? Ultimately it’s up to your partner to discipline her and it sounds like he’s not bothering.

Things have got to change massively, the new baby is lovely yes but essentially another stress and another child that gets attention so the behaviour of the girl needs to be nipped in the bud now. Hopefully your partner is better with the baby than he’s been with his daughter. Definitely explain to the daughter that she cannot kick/hurt baby the way she’s doing to her step brother.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page