Am I Expecting Too Much From My 9 Year Old

[n0shy]

Hi, I feel like I'm loosing my mind! I get so cross with DS1 who is 9 in August, I feel like I'm always shouting at him and telling him off and then I feel so guilty afterwards. He just does not listen or learn his lesson, I know kids have no concept of time and hurrying up but we are always late for everything because he is so slow at doing anything and gets distracted even when I'm telling him to hurry. I have to tell him to go for a wee, brush his teeth, blow his nose everyday! He goes wrestling class, I tell him 30 minutes before we need to leave to go and get ready he will get dressed then start looking out of the window or playing and forget what he was supposed to do, I will shout at him to hurry up, and he will get andry and have tantrum because he cant find his stuff (even though i tell him every day to hang it up), then he gets told off because he answers back, he always has a smart comment or remark to make, which then frustrates me even more. I've tried talking to him about his attitude as he is so rude to me at times if he's not getting his own way, he has tantrums stomping up the stairs kicking doors when he is told to do to his room as a punishment,( after arguing back about being sent in the first place) if I tell him off he always answers back he just doesn't not keep his mouth shut which gets him in more trouble and its the same thing over and over and over again every day. Should he k ow that saying certain things when being told off will get him in more trouble or make the situation worse? He's now started to have bad attitude at school as well where a teacher said to him that he hadn't done his work and he told her yes he has are u blind can't u see, and he just kept debating back with her like he does at home. He goes from extreme of crying over the smallest thing to being aggressive and rude and I feel like failure he used be be such a sweet boy, his 3 year old is now starting to copy his rudeness.

Before everyone loses their mind at this, I always think it's worth just asking if he's possibly ADHD. Of course many kids actually this way without ADHD in the mix! But, there's often a common pattern with attitude and struggles organising and remembering. I totally accept that many kids struggle - but it's worth a thought - because it does kind of change how you approach it a little.

If he really needs help to organise and it isn't his fault then it feels unfair to punish so to speak. But there is the option of just letting him fail , don't help ref constant reminders and then he ends up missing his wrestling class. Would he care if he missed it? If he doesn't care then that probably won't work.

My son has ADHD and struggles alot like this. It does get easier with all kids as they get older. He is still pretty young. Maybe ask to have a convo about it and say you need to figure out together how he can be better organised and what are his suggestions. He'll probably come up with some great solutions himself. If he isn't prepared to discuss it or help change them I'd say I can't take you to your class ( wrestling) until this is addressed

Just to add that ADHD or not - he is still really young and he's clearly struggling alot. That's why he's getting mad. I don't believe he's just being difficult because he's unpleasant. He's struggling and probably doesn't understand why. My son used to argue back with teachers alot. It's part of his neuro divergence. Although some teachers really are crap and half these kids just see it as it is.

Yeah….he sounds similar to my 9 year old who is diagnosed autistic and dyspraxic. He literally cannot get dressed without me breaking the task down into manageable chunks for him, and we had lots of tantrums and arguments until we found the approaches that work for him. I strongly suspect adhd as well but he hasn’t been assessed for that yet.

Worth looking into? Even if he doesn’t meet the criteria for diagnosis, the techniques that are used for neurodivergent kids will probably help with a lot of these issues.

Thanks @Pantaloons99 I have spoken to his teachers but they didn't raise any concerns I will look into to ADHD as it didn't cross my mind, I just feel like we all spoilt him from a young age as he with the first baby in our family and always got what he wanted, that it's just his way or crying or rudeness

So just to give an example - if I told my son to go and get dressed (which feels like a reasonable expectation for a 9 year old!) it absolutely would not happen.

He might get some clothes out but then will forget what he’s doing, will prob leave them in random places, and will end up half naked and playing Lego or something. Then I’d get frustrated and rushed and he’d answer back and things would turn into a row.

Instead I take him to his room, get out the right clothes, give them to him in the order they go on, redirect him to keep getting dressed at every stage, remind him to put dirty clothes in the laundry etc etc. Basically talk him through the whole process. Which feels ridiculous but actually takes less time than the arguments and leads to a calmer house!

Are there any consequences when he's rude?

So the fact you blame yourself is another red flag for some sort of Neuro divergent difference here. 🤷‍♀️😆 I'm laughing in support of you btw because I think this is the default we all fall into.
If he's doing ok in school and it isn't obvious they probably won't do much and might leave you floundering. This happened to me. I'd read up on it,trust your own instincts because there will be plenty of people happy to blame your parenting.

I have a strong sense this isn't you or your parenting tbh

I’d give him a bit more help with the steps for getting ready and a consequence for bad behaviour (for example I wouldn’t be taking him to wrestling if he was rude or threw a tantrum). And try very hard not to let him see you get angry at him.

I used picture charts in my son's room as reminders. Picture labels on drawers with sports clothes in. Giant clock in the room. Work together to figure out how to make it easier. Things like ' right so tonight we have wrestling - what time is wrestling at? ' He hopefully knows.
So if we leave at 6, what time should you start getting ready? Ok great. Do you need an alarm reminder? What do you need to do to get ready? ( E.g clothes on, whatever else.

Just focus on one task at a time - like the wrestling. The approach above helps my son alot

Yes, my teen DS has autism and dyspraxia and still struggles with getting dressed in a timely manner so it's definitely something worth exploring.

School were useless and said nothing wrong because he's extremely bright, but he struggled socially and in PE sessions, but they didn't think that was relevant. 🤔

Try one of the online tests for autism and see if he ticks many of the boxes.

As others have suggested, you probably need to adapt your parent style to fit his needs and will probably find this approach much more successful. Good luck!

Thank you all so much! His consequence/punishment is normally no ipad or youtube (he get an hour ish per day) or if hes downstairs or ouside he has to go to bed, or no sleepover at his cousins which he gets to do once per month. So he knows there is a consequence and they are punishments that bother him which is why I just think sometimes why are you doing this when you know what's goings to happen

Yeah he's definitely doing it because he's struggling a great deal and needs help. No kid wants to be punished and most will go out their way to ' comply ', unless they really can't. Kids love iPads so he really won't want this to be happening.

If he isn't willing to work together to find ways to improve then look at consequences. Until then I'd seriously give him more support and look at this as if he potentially has a disability. It just changes your mind set so you focus less on punishment and get less frustrated but more importantly so you stop blaming yourself thinking you caused the ' behaviour problems '. You haven't.

Thank you x

He sounds very like my 8yr old DS who is diagnosed Autistic.