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Parenting

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Telling son about dog dying

14 replies

DogsandRivers · 09/06/2024 21:16

Hi all,
Our eldest dog is going to be put to sleep soon: her cancer has spread and things will only get worse, we are just on watchful waiting.
My son is 7 and has strong emotions. He knows she is ill and is finding it very difficult (she has always been part of his life).
I know we are going to have to decide to put her to sleep, but how do I tell him?
Do I pretend she passed naturally while he was at school?
Do I warn him in advance?
I don't think it would be kind for him to be there...
I worry he might become anxious about going to school and what could happen when he is away if we do it that way.

ANY advice or personal experience would be SO appreciated!

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Beautifulbythebay · 09/06/2024 21:18

We had our ddog pts when ds was 5 .. I did a shit job of explaining death. First encounter of death whatsoever for our dc . After a few months ds asked if we could collect ddog from the vet's now.. Utterly failed. Hopefully someone else can describe a much better way.

DogsandRivers · 09/06/2024 21:20

It is so hard @Beautifulbythebay That must have been pretty unbearable for you; so sorry for your loss too.

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MrsBillyhargrove · 09/06/2024 21:30

I personally would sit your DS down and explain to him that his dog is very poorly, and sometimes dogs don’t get better. Reiterate how much you all love Ddog and that love means that you don’t want her to be in pain anymore. Give him chance to say his farewells to her, to hold her, to just love on her. My childhood dog was put to sleep as he was very old and ill and I am so glad that I had the chance to say goodbye. It also helps with closure for your son.

I would have a look online to see how best to break the news to your son that your dog has had a wonderful life with a loving home and family, but now she is at the end of her life where the kindest thing is to let her go.

TwigTheWonderKid · 09/06/2024 21:34

If you haven't already, I'd be inclined to prepare him by talking to him about the fact your dog is very ill and won't get better.

I'm usually very in favour of total honesty but I think in this case telling him your dog died at home is much kinder to your son. But be careful about the language you use . Make sure you say the dog died, don't use euphemisms like " gone to sleep".

Whatisityoucantface · 09/06/2024 21:36

I think you need to be honest with your son, with empathy of course. Being clear is being kind. Let your son say goodbye to the dog.
I’m sorry that you are losing your beloved dog

J0S · 09/06/2024 21:38

I think you should tell him the truth in a kind and age appropriate way. What @MrsBillyhargrove said.

HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb · 09/06/2024 21:47

Death is sad, no getting round that.

Avoiding uncomfortable emotional experiences is not a useful life skill.
Learning how to navigate sadness, frustration, regret, anger, distress etc etc constructively is an incredibly useful life skill.

My kids respond well to this sort of approach...

gently discuss how all life ends eventually, perhaps by reference to a book you've read, or something that comes up on telly, or you can get books from the library that are written to cover this topic, similar to books that help prepare children for a new sibling or going into hospital etc.

Talk about how loving something/someone well includes difficult choices sometimes and putting their needs ahead of your own.

Talk about how you all love the dog and don't want dog to suffer, but illness happens to people and animals and sometimes they get better and sometimes they don't and their life ends with that illness.

Talk about how to honour the great love you feel you would want to be brave and help make sure her death was not traumatic or painful for her but that you comfort her and give her an easy passing of preventing her death is not possible.

Explain how courage might be needed and that is the greatest gift you can give her and it's how you can show love in this sad situation.

Reassure, he can sort her and give her cuddles through it if he wants, or if he prefers you will do that for him. Reassurevhim it won't be a sudden may surprise and say that one of the silver linings of anticipating losing something you love is that you get to choose how to say goodbye.

Ask if he would like to join you in reading her a special poem about what she has meant to you all. Maybe her favourite walk of she's still up to it, it something nice to smell if she's not, perhaps something that smells of him if he doesn't want to be there when she goes but so he knows she could smell him and how that would have been a reassuring thing for her because he represents safety and love.

Talk about how tears are powerful and it's ok to shed tears because grief is just love with nowhere to go and it means dog was loved.

Talk about how grief passes with time and it's natural that it hurts for a while and that's what funerals are for, they help give your grief somewhere to go and mark this important loss.

Then later maybe make a picture album together or put a picture on the wall of her.

DogsandRivers · 09/06/2024 21:47

Thanks, all.
I have been really straight from the outset that we are looking at weeks. We have had quite a lot of death and destruction in the family so he understands that death is permanent but I do feel he will really struggle to deal with it.
I absolutely think you're right @TwigTheWonderKid @Whatisityoucantface @J0S and @MrsBillyhargrove I think euphemistic language and out & out deception aren't ever a good plan.

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HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb · 09/06/2024 21:48

Maybe a poem like this might be a comfort after she's gone
https://images.app.goo.gl/ZMyiL6c3XzhbKabp8

https://images.app.goo.gl/ZMyiL6c3XzhbKabp8

DogsandRivers · 09/06/2024 21:49

Gah, @HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb thank you. That made me quite teary.
Yes, that sounds like a really good plan.

I think it's the case of whether to tell him it's happening on X day or not?
I can see the pro is that he knows and he isn't left with anything unsaid (I know she is a dog, but she is a blooming brilliant listener for him).

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FluffMagnet · 09/06/2024 21:52

I lost my beloved childhood pony last week. She was very old and I had been impressing this on DC (aged 5 and 2) for some time. She was otherwise healthy, so I couldn't pre-warn the DC of the day as we didn't know in advance (she just laid down and it was clear it was her end), but I did let them see her body so they could say goodbye and understand death. We've had some odd conversations since that I'm sure you won't have from a 7 Yr old (I.e. do you think she has found her friends yet whilst she is burrowing around underground) but I am trying to be very honest and allowing them to see my grief, albeit moderated, and it seems to be helping my eldest navigate her own feelings.

I really wouldn't want to know it was happening whilst I was at school/work etc. so would tell him after the event. My condolences to your family.

HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb · 09/06/2024 21:52

Definitely let him know when she's going so he can be prepared and do all his goodbyes properly, talk to him about the fact that not everyone gets the chance for goodbyes and it means she will go knowing all his love for her.

Ask him, how he'd like to do it, What's important, what matters to him... A small degree of control and acknowledging his feelings and him knowing they matter will help him through it.

HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb · 09/06/2024 21:54

Another good one.
https://images.app.goo.gl/gpuKjo2M5GkyjApH7

https://images.app.goo.gl/gpuKjo2M5GkyjApH7

DogsandRivers · 11/06/2024 07:19

Thank you all.
He got very cross about it all last night that finally broke into tears after about an hour of determined anger.
Poor guy, it's a LOT at any age but at his age and with those emotions it must be pretty unbearable.
@FluffMagnet I am so sorry for your loss and for the hard conversations you've had to have. I hope you've got a wonderful support network x

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