Nutrition and eating habits - 3 year old - at a loss.

[Ainsleysbbqbible]

Hi,
My child is 3 and a half, who as a baby and toddler ate quite well, a variety of foods and often cleared their small plate.

More recently over the last year, my DD is limiting more and more, she now won't eat cereal - with or without milk, won't eat bread, chips/most potatoes, limited meat, won't touch anything like pizza or even her previous favourite - Bolognese/pasta dishes. She won't eat a yoghurt anymore, or most vegetables.

Now, bizarrely this issue is only at home. She will often have decent meals at her grandma's house (apparently, I am not 100% sure how much she actually consumes). Grandma will also allow lots of treats like chocolate and sweets, throughout the day. The issue we have here is that all she wants is treats and no meals. We have boundaries with this, that she can have a treat a day, but she must eat something substantial first (like a decent lunch or evening meal)...

I am getting concerned, all she's eaten today is carrot sticks, a handful of grapes and half a cream cracker. She used to have bad constipation which we have narrowed down to lactose intolerance, and have since switched to lactose free products, and now she is much better. Her lack of bowel movements used to limit what she could eat as she was bloated, but this isn't an issue any more as she goes to the loo every day.

I am at a loss. Part of me thinks the issue is down to different dynamics at different settings, like home, pre-school, and grandma's. I have tried lots of things such as stopping treats altogether, using a bento box, cutting food into shapes, getting her involved in cooking, all sitting at the table etc. I do try not to make a huge deal out of it, but myself and my DH are at wits end.

Any advice or solidarity? 😫

When you say she has to eat something substantial before she gets a treat, how do you go about enforcing this? You mentioned that you don’t make a huge deal out of mealtimes but trying to encourage a child to eat something substantial before they’re allowed a treat is pressure. It puts a huge amount of pressure on the meal the child doesn’t want and you unintentionally make the treat food even more desirable. I’d suggest serving a small amount of treat food on the same plate as the actual meal. That way, both foods are presented neutrally. When she’s eating, avoid any comments on what she’s eating, how much etc, even avoiding saying ‘well done for trying X’. Keep your reaction to her eating very boring and talk about anything else instead. If she just eats the treat and gets down, that’s fine. Just say ‘yes, you can play. I’ll leave your plate on the table incase you are hungry later.’

Perhaps this approach will make a difference. It was notable that you said she can have treats etc and grandmas and she eats better there. I’m not saying go wild and allow loads of sweets etc but just try and keep all foods neutral and it might take some pressure off for her.

Is it potentially a control thing? Just wondering if your house is quite structured and grandmas isn’t. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing but it might be that she has found something she is in control of at your house so it might be worth offering some more free choices and seeing if that improves anything.

Could you look at what she’s eating over a week rather than a day? My children are 11 and 8 and still have days where they don’t eat much at all, and days when they clear their plates. They prefer to graze than eat set meals, even now. Both are a healthy weight and height.

I recommend the book ‘Helping your child with extreme picky eating’ by Rowell and McGlothlin. It really helped me with my daughter to the extent that I wouldn’t call her a fussy eater anymore.

I didn't serve meals ‘family style’ as the book recommends, as that just didn’t work for us, but I did use lots of other tips and overall it was very helpful and reassuring.

They're all really helpful perspectives, thank you.

Yes maybe I am perhaps being too hard on the treat thing, I will say things like, just finish your pizza slice and I'll allow some buttons etc. She will often ask for the desired treat whilst picking at the main meal. Or at times has thrown her food or walked away and made excuses like needing a wee, and not returning to the table.

Perhaps I need to scale it back entirely and allow her to have some control back. The bento box I did, had all the components in... So carrot sticks, small sandwich, some lentil crisp things and some popcorn. She ate the full box the first time we did it, but unfortunately the times afterwards didn't succeed and she just ate the popcorn or buttons and threw the rest away/fed it to the dog.

3 year olds get frustrated as they have no control over their own lives and often manifest this by being choosy about food. Give her some control and she'll relax more.
Presuming that your child doesn't turn out to suffer from ARFID (and most don't) you can make things better by offering choices in a small part of the meal, by eating together, by putting food in the middle of the table for everyone to choose what they want, by letting her help in the preparation, and most importantly, by taking out the pressure around food.
Always offer one thing she likes and a mix of other stuff. It will get better. Promise