Still not managing and baby is 12 months

[Northtosouth]

I thought by now I’d have things more under control but it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I’m in a constant state of anxiety, I barely sleep (even though baby does most of the time), if my husband is away I don’t eat properly.
My husband works away and I’m on my own 2-3 nights a week, when he is back he does help out a lot which leaves me feeling guilty that I can’t manage on my own (I don’t know why this is as he doesn’t do anything to make me feel like that).
We live close to my parents but they’ve never offered to help and don’t want to be regular childcare which is fair enough. I’ve put little boy in nursery 2 mornings a week for a ‘break’ but it only allows me to stay on top of the house work. I’ve not been out the house after about 6pm for 12 months and I don’t have any time for myself. Is this just parenting? My mum thinks I need to suck it up and get on with it like she did but I’m not sure how much longer I can stick it out but have no solutions. I’m starting to think I’m just not cut out for it.
Hoping someone has some suggestions that I haven’t thought of, brain is still foggy.

Reading this back I realise how negative I sound 🙈 just really struggling today after 5 nights alone this week and barely speaking to another adult.

How often do you get out the house with your child on your own? Not to nursery

A constant state of anxiety is not normal but it’s common. You need to see your GP.

@GiganticArkReadywithHottub I do go out everyday, I find it easier to go out with him than staying in the house

Are you going back to work? I found it easier when I went back as it gave some adult time.

If your mum isn’t willing to help, then she doesn’t get to say, ‘suck it up’. She sounds horrible.

Don’t worry about housework for now, it’s not important. Get the washing and meals done. Aim to do one or two baby groups per week, or just see some friends, or just take baby to a busy-ish park where you can chat to people.

Your GP will be able to help if you think your distress runs deeper than just feeling fed up.

@Overthebow I was freelance wfh before and although I’d like to at some point I don’t know how I’d even through that into the mix right now. Starting back up seems impossible at the moment

I disagree. Housework is important. Living somewhere clean and tidy is good for you mentally.

This is normal ime. DH and I haven't been out socially for 8 years now because we have no family support. I think without local or helpful grandparents etc you have to accept life does change. I would ditch cleaning the house on those mornings, find a routine you can do with the baby around during the other days (what 12 month old doesn't like riding on the hoover?) and use those mornings to get some headspace.

I’ve been exactly where you are now. My husband works nights so am on my own with DS a lot. Husband helps loads when he’s around and it’s a lot easier on those days. It’s a massive adjustment having a baby, and I found 0 to 2 years tough as your expectations of what you can manage around the house, and the pressure and responsibility of the child, are a lot to deal with!

I work 2 days a week and he is in nursery for 3 days. Helps to have this break to refresh and resets so I can be more present and calm when I’m with DS. Could you maybe get a small job or up child’s nursery hours? Sounds like you just need some headspace and time for yourself/to see friends etc. And try to have one lie in a week to get some proper sleep. Sleep helps so much with mental health!

We had no family nearby when ours were little and its really difficult if you have no one to babysit so you can go out. I didn't want to leave my baby with a teenager as my daughter had a tricky medical condition. We approached the nursery staff and discovered that lots of them did evening babysitting, it was pricey but I felt reassured because they were first aid trained and new my baby. We didn't go out often but it meant we could still do something once a month.

Life with babies and small children is different, you are bound to their routines and schedules but that doesn't mean you can't claw back some time for you. Is getting a cleaner an option to free up some time for yourself?

I’d definitely recommend getting a job, we don’t have any family help either and if I wasn’t working I’d get no time away from my DC. Unfortunately without family help unless you get a babysitter or go out separately you’re not going to get much time away from your DC and it doesn’t really get any easier until they’re a lot older.

Have you spoke to your GP about your anxiety OP?
Sorry it's hard atm and those first 12 months definitely are really difficult especially if you're on your own, but from what you said I do think it's worth speaking to someone as there are things that can really help if you do need abit of extra support for how you're feeling with the anxiety?

Have you got a routine set up OP?

I found having a schedule really helped and helped me feel in control.

Up early, baby sorted, washing and cleaning started, trip to the shops. I’d speed walk pushing the pram and it must have looked bonkers but felt good.

Clean up when baby is settled & fed and happy to watch you from a play pen, walker, high chair.

Designated bed time for baby so you have a few hours in the evening to relax, mediate, exercise, FaceTime friends.

Do you go baby groups? I found some wonderful friends there who were in the same boat and it was good to let off load with them.

When baby goes in nursery get in bed and sleep! I did for the first few weeks! Then I started going swimming - which was a life changer.

Get a weekly/daily planner going then you will more in control - BUT you’ve got to dig deep and change your mind set 💐

I would also recommend going to work and using more childcare. I couldn’t be a SAHM, I need to use my brain and have adult conversation.

Have you had a good talk with your DH about how you feel?

I would also talk to the GP, may recommend Sertraline.

You sound like me! I found it all so hard but once I put my routine back and had some space for me that really helped.

i went back to work part time and we used nursery.

i started up my hobby again so had a night a week out of the house (could your mum or someone help for an hour once a week for you to do something)?

l lowered my standards round the house. Clean and tidy but big perfect.

i was still tired but I felt more human. I really hope you work it out as that constant anxious feeling is horrible and hard.

Sorry to read that, I understand how hard it is. When my husband is away I drop to a very base level of house management. In the day times, I have a few things that help compensate for adult interaction that work for me.. Vernon Kay on radio 2 (930-midday), scummy mummy podcast, and an audio book for a bit of escapism.
For "clean with me" content I like Remi Clog on YouTube. I'm afraid nights out will have to be with another mum or a friend so your husband can do the kids for a while. I've enjoyed theatre trips and author talks and cinema a lot more than meals out because there's no demand for conversation. I sometimes get out for late night shopping alone which makes me feel back to normal. I have my favourite music in the car, not kids traveling songs. I have a phone counselor who I speak to every two weeks who gives me a boost and is so encouraging. This is to replace my lack of family support. I'm saying this with my kids a lot older than yours, it's taken ages for me to claw my way back to feeling less overwhelmed with everything. You will get there, because you're thinking about it already. It's about small changes to your day that will make a difference. Just try them, if they don't work for you, just try something else. Good luck x

This is very normal OP.

I don’t think anyone really copes as well as they make out with a baby. I knew one mum at baby group who always looked refreshed, like she was coping, organised, she never rolled in with sick on her top or covered in melty puff crumbs. She invited me to her house for coffee and I was pleasantly surprised to see it was ‘family messy’ - cups and plates on the side in the kitchen, laundry over radiators and some on the floor, toys everywhere.

Does your baby sleep?