Feeling so alone with newborn

[KD1988UK]

My baby is 7 weeks old and we have had challenges with him being born at 34 weeks, tongue tie, and several bouts of nipple thrush.

I have been trying to breastfeed with pumping and all of the issues are making it challenging and my milk supply has dropped dramatically. Our lactation consultant said we need to breastfeed, followed by bottle and then pump and that it will be difficult for abit to get my supply back up and for my baby to get used to latching properly and I should do more skin to skin.

We had my MiL to “help” this week and she was essentially useless, only wanted nanny cuddles and overstepped several boundaries. She’s now gone home and I feel more exhausted than before she came. It felt like all she cared about was herself…

My partner is usually great but he’s hurt his back so is limited in how he can help-I am essentially doing everything such as nappies and feeding! He also keeps leaving his phone away from him so when I am breastfeeding and need him I can’t get hold of him! I have asked him to stop doing this multiple times. It feels like it is all on me to look after our baby…

Just now I was doing some skin to skin and breastfeeding to get my supply up and text my partner that I needed to be brought some drinks and food- no response for over an hour, and my baby is asleep on me. He disappeared in the house several hours ago leaving me with the baby in our bedroom. He eventually comes in and tells me his phone is in our room on the bedside table. I inform him I have been trying to contact him! I get a “sorry” but it feels like he is saying it to shut me up. He then wants to cut the baby’s nails but I say no as he is doing skin to skin and sleeping and he keeps pushing it. Essentially I say it feels like he has come up to just disturb the baby!

I try to explain to him about how I feel as my supply is very low and I am following the lactation consultants advice and I really need him to keep his phone on him and to not disturb the baby when I am trying to do skin to skin contact to get my supply up. He says “sorry can we drop it?” It feels like he just want to shut me up, I then burst into tears and it seems like he couldn’t care less about how difficult everything is on me.

I feel so alone like everyone is out for themselves and couldn’t care less about how I am struggling and aren’t really supporting me.

I just want to run away with my baby to see my family who are 7 hours away. I am currently in our room sobbing and my partner doesn’t care…

If you can go visit you family and settle down.
Feeling better get some councelling as a parents and a couple.

First months can be exhausting.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. It gets easier, I promise. Take a deep breath and look at your baby. They will never be this small again. Try to enjoy this moment, it goes so fast. It sounds to me like your partner is feeling a bit helpless too! Everything seems worse when you are tired. Spend some time with your family if you think that will help family. Oh, and just a side note, (I know I'm generalising a bit here) guys work well with very clear instructions. Can you give him a list of stuff to do to make your life easier? Postpartum depression can crop up at any time, so do keep an eye and speak to someone if it gets too much x

Hi OP, first of all I’m sorry you’re struggling. I also have a 7 week old baby so I do know how you feel, I’d honestly say go to your family even just to stay for a week! They say it takes a village for a reason, if you don’t have a village where you are- go to your village! I’d be really lost without my husband who does take amazing care of me so I can focus on baby so I appreciate I’m lucky there, but also my parents, my sibling, my grandparents have really been a life line for me. Go to your family x

This sounds tough. I’m currently pregnant with first babies so can’t give advice, but a piece of advice that a colleague recently gave me was to buy a huge whiteboard, put it up in kitchen/living room and write a list of chores you need help with ( cooking meals, cleaning the floor, popping out to the shops etc)….she said when people came round to ‘help’ she would show them the board….might be a handy hint for when MIL visits

I am so sorry you feel this way. I can remember this feeling- far away from family and any help, home very soon after an emergency C-section, and DH having to work away from home soon after, and not gettinng any sleep. It felt desperate at times.

It will get better, but you need to try and get more help if at all possible. Yoiur partner probably feels he can do no right, and just doesn't know how to help you, so he retreats. Try to stay calm and talk. Tell him that youi feel so alone and helpless, and that unless he can step up to support, you feel it is best to go and stay with family to get support.

Sending virtual hugs take care.

Your h sounds like a twat if he wants to cut the baby's nails when he is sleeping!

I'd get any drinks or snacks you want before you do skin to skin with dc. Might be easier.

To be fair to your partner, it's a heck of a lot easier to do nails on a sleeping baby! :D However, I generally went for a dopey breastfeeding one, as then they were more likely to stay asleep.

More to the point, things will get easier. No one is at their best at this time, and triple feeding (breast-bottle-pump) is gruelling.

After a very difficult feeding start (which culminated in a dehydrated baby in intensive care) I never managed to get my milk supply to being sufficient, but I still breastfeed my toddler now.

It won't always feel this lonely. Take care.

Hey, I’m sorry you feel like this but I assure you it will get easier!
I was trapped with my colicky baby almost all day because she would nap only on me. I lived with my parents for the first two months and I would text either my mother or my sister whenever I needed something. When I went home after, my partner was in work all day and I used to get everything I needed beforehand. I would say put snacks and bottles of water in different places where you normally feed baby. Also, please make it clear to your partner that he needs to help you! He’s not behaving nicely towards you, make him understand how you really feel!
If your family will have you go and stay with them for a long time! you need all the support you can get.
Giving birth and staying in my family’s house (they live abroad) was the best thing I’ve ever done! I wish I had stayed longer. Hope you feel better soon and keep us updated.

I have only read your post but wanted to say, yes, do go to your family and stay there a while. Fo not hesitate.

No one is meant to be alone with a baby in this way without lots and lots of support.

Our society has developed in such a way that this happens, but it is not all right.

Could your DH take you? Or one if your family come to help you get there?

I absolutely agree! Western societies tend to glamourise raising children alone but it’s incredibly hard! We should go back to the old ways of “if takes a village”. We really need that village. OP stay strong! Also, try and look for local support groups

I hope you feel a bit better this morning and have made plans today to go to your family for help and a rest.

OP it is very hard. If your DH isn’t supporting you then maybe some time with your family would be best.

That breastfeed, pump, bottle feed combination nearly finished me off. It was so hard, especially alone. I’m not telling you what to do at all, you do what is best for you and your baby, but I personally felt a million times better once I decided to stop all that and just embrace the mix feeding. Still managed to breastfeed for quite a long time, it was just a mix of that and formula.

I agree that some men don’t seem to know what to do. So tell him exactly what is required. Is he back at work now? If so then the time he’s at home it’s even more important he does everything to try and give you a break.

I would also say, don’t neglect yourself. Take a min to get yourself set up with drinks and snacks and phone charger etc. Ask (tell) DH to make you a lunch you can easily grab if he’s not home.