My ex partner has asked for full custody

[Lovecats27]

As title says. Myself and my ex partner have split up over a year ago. Since then we had 50 50 childcare agreement for our 4 year old DS.
I have received today an email from his solicitor saying due to my work commitments he wants our DS to live with him full time. I work as a nurse 3 long days a week 8 to 8. He is trying to use my work against me. I'm terrified he will take my son away from me. As is the weekend I cannot even contact a solicitor for help.
Our relationship was hell, including him getting arrested for domestic violence before our son was born and me stupidly enough not pressing charges against because I wanted to give him a second chance. I recently found an air tag in my car under the child seat that my ex put there so he can track all my movements. He even had the cheek to come to my door and ask for it back when he realised I found it and took it out. I don't really know what to do. I'm desperate. Should I press charges against him for putting an air tag in my car? Would that help if he was to take me to court for custody?
If anyone can please advise me. I don't want to lose my son. I think he is only doing this because I have a new partner and he wants to continue to manipulate and control everything and so far he seems to be winning.

I'm sorry you're going through this worry.
Can't you ask your solicitor for advice?

You can still report him to the police for the violence and now the stalking.
Contact Women's Aid.

Remember, his solicitor will write anything he wants. He is paying them. That doesn't mean he has a leg to stand on.

x3 long shifts a week is perfectly normal OP, as long as child is adequately cared for obviously. It’s not really a reason in and of itself to give your ex full custody.

As PP said, his solicitor will ask for what your X is demanding. It doesn’t mean he’ll get it.

Don't worry, it's highly unlikely any judge would grant an order like that based on the info you have given. A child has the right to spend time with both parents and 50/50 is a good agreement.
Is his only argument your working pattern? You work 36 hours which is totally normal.
Does he not work. I don't get his argument or reasoning. If you worked 90 hours a week I'd maybe see why but you don't.

involve the police where possible. Follow through with charges where possible also.

There is absolutely no reason for him to get full custody. Breathe. You are doing well.

Start writing down anything he does (like the AirTag) and keep a record.

Any message to him eg a WhatsApp - imagine yourself saying “your honour” on the end of it. Eg he texts to say you are a neglectful bitch, you were late to collect DS, don’t reply “fuck off, turd”

Stay calm and factual!

I would definitely speak to the police about previous dv and also the airbag, if nothing else but your safety.

Secondly a solicitor will write what they are told. A judge will not grant him full custody, they will rule in favour of what is best for the dc, and in most cases that will be access to both parents. Working shifts is normal op and a judge will see it as a positive you're in secure employment. As for the letter, I'd ignore it, you don't have to respond, he can spend his money and take you to court, you could even represent yourself, I know it's easy for me to say but try not to worry, he's trying to scare you, bully you and abuse you. He knows the only way he can now do this is through your dc.

@Lovecats27 I understand. I left my very wealthy but coercively controlling ex-husband but as he had hidden assets, I had no choice but to return to work (part-time) in order to put food on the table and pay the rent.
This went in his favour in court as he argued that as as self-employed owner of his own business he had far more flexibility re school drop-offs and pick-ups (which cannot of course be denied).
He now has majority custody as well as a million £ property whilst I still remain in privately rented.
I was absolutely disgusted and appalled that the family courts did not see his financial control/abuse here.

He has his own company so he can adjust his working hours as he pleases. So far he is been working 8 to 5 Monday to Friday. His argument is that his working hours work better for our son hence he should have full custody

This is awful I'm so sorry

He can argue all he wants op, but it's not in the best interest of your dc to only see one parent. Judges will often rule 50/50 as it's the most sensible and best for the child. If you're already doing this and the child isn't being abused or neglected then it's highly likely they won't change it.

I would certainly be reporting the stalking to the police, but that is a separate thing to the child custody arrangements. I don't see his argument there. Does he have him on your 3 working days now? If so that would seem like a sensible arrangement and in your DC's best interests. I don't see how he thinks you working means he should have full custody.

You need a mantra

”his saying stuff does not make it true”

@SheilaFentiman It does, unfortunately, put him in a "favourable" position re custody. It shouldn't, but it does. See my previous post in which I was in a very similar position.

His argument is ridiculous, the judge will see that. No judge would give a parent full custody just because they have more flexible working arrangments.
Log any incident with the police.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Thanks. I miss my sons terribly but I'm happily remarried to a man who actually loves and respects me so although life is still hard, it's 100 times better than it was before.
I just wish the family courts hadn't tortured me or my children.

That's awful, that was not a fair judgement , I'm so sorry

You're a loving mother with a responsible job - the court is not going to give your ex full custody, as it would in no way be in your son's interests. It's more than likely that he doesn't want full access but just wants to cause you distress.

Is your current agreement court approved? If not, going to court could be very positive, as I found that having things on a formal footing made things easier with my ex.

Please try not to worry too much, see a solicitor next week and put things in motion to formally reply, via your own solicitor. Can you access employee support through your employer or union - it could be helpful to talk this through with someone who probably has experience of supporting NHS shift workers through situations just like this.

I agree with PPs that you should definitely report the air tag, as this is stalking. Keep records of all your interactions with him.

Please try not to worry too much - there are thousands of shift working public servants in the NHS, police, social services, doing shift work and sharing access to their children.

Sorry to hear about that. If you don't mind sharing what is the childcare schedule set by the judge?

I am very sorry for your situation.

To note, op’s ex is seeking full custody and, afaik, this is very rare except if there is eg abuse.

I hope OP ends up at 50/50 but it’s near impossible she would end up at 0/100 as he threatens.

The 'joke' here is that when I was pregnant he told me me and my bastard child can go and jump off a cliff because he doesn't care. And now he wants full custody.
I guess I'm just paying the price for being a complete idiot and give him chance after chance, I didn't want my son to go without a father

@Lovecats27 One child every other Weds-Sun, one child just EOW. Apparently it was their "wishes" which is absolute rubbish; this father is an extremely skilful and manipulative controller. The courts couldn't see past the "Superdad" portrayal.
He doesn't have much to do with them when they are with him but he has a huge house so they have space, hottub and swimming pool and what matters most to impressionable/controlled children? I live in a privately-rented three bed.
I was also followed. He used to go into my car with his spare key and leave things it. He got out library books on my card titled "Revenge is Sweet" and would do creepy things like leaving Loveheart sweets for me to find.
The child custody battle was ALL about punishing me for leaving.
Oh and again, similar. When I was pregnant with my now husband's baby, ex told the kids (incredibly offensive language warning ⚠️) that my child would be "born a retard with lots of special needs" because at 39 I was too old to have a healthy baby.

Your ex sounds so similar to mine. That's what he is doing, he thinks I owe him for leaving him. How dare I leave him

@SheilaFentiman I agree, but like in my situation, he may push for (and be awarded) majority custody.
No safeguarding issues here! I'm a primary teacher with a now 4 yo, remarried. My two other children don't see their sister anywhere near as much as they should 😞