7 months and still hating it

[DoesItGetBetterSoon]

I hope some of the mums on here who have been through it all can offer some hope. I feel so guilty writing this.

I have the most beautiful 7mo DS. But I'm hating motherhood. Every day is an endless stream of crying and whinging, being bitten, scratched, having my hair ripped out. My career is impossible to revive. I'm fat, in pain, living with the trauma of a tough birth and breastfeeding experience.

But the worst part is, I can't complain. The PND support I've got has been amazing. My baby more or less sleeps through. We've finally stopped bfing and he loves his food. I even have a part time nanny for Christ's sake. There's nothing else anyone can do. But I feel I'm trying to fit a life into these tiny fragments of time. DP told me to do something I find fun, but I can't think of anything. I didn't used to be like this.

I love my son. I really do. But I hate being a mother. I know he's young, but I think he senses it, he always cries when he's with me but is good as gold with others.

People keep saying it gets better after the baby stage. Is that true? Will I ever feel like me again? Will I ever stop being an empty shell who just retreats every chance I get, counting down the hours until the nanny comes back? My brilliant boy deserves so much more.

I felt the same. Hang on in there. It does get better, you will feel like yourself again. (Ignore those who say it gets harder, those people never had PND and don't know how harmful it is for them to say that).

I found the baby stage quite dull. Got much more interesting once they had interests and could talk. Mine are in school now and things are much easier. Yes they have bigger and more complicated emotions, but we can go out and do things. No worry about nappies, needing to sleep etc. I also don't think depression is something that can be fixed by seemingly having it easy or having a nanny. It has a hormonal component, but also you need to work through it. Please don't put pressure on yourself to magically be alright just because there is someone out there that has it harder.

Sorry to read this. I don't rlly have any advice, but could you maybe find say a 2 hour chunk once a week where you go off & just have you-time. Get your nails done, go to a museum, read a book in the park etc. doesn't have to be taking up a huge new hobby but just a couple of hours to yourself?

Some babies don't like being babies. My first could see all the things he couldn't do and he got so frustrated. Getting more mobile could make a big difference and then think of all the things you'll be able to do together in the future.

Will I ever feel like me again? Will I ever stop being an empty shell who just retreats every chance I get, counting down the hours until the nanny comes back?

Yes, I promise. I know I can't really promise but I do. You are still in the trenches at 7mo - long enough to have got really worn down but they aren't actually that fun yet. A year is the turning point for me and then 18months onwards I start to love it. Babies are cute but the dependence is terrifying and really wears away at you, especially the first time round. Yeah I know you have a nanny but as a mother you may well still feel that the buck stops with you ultimately, I always have - despite involved and loving DH. You never really relax. It's hard.

For me fun at that point would have been Netflix in my bed with some headphones and absolutely no demands on me.
I'm a writer and doing some work again once I was able really helped as it is utterly mentally absorbing and allowed me to really escape - no nanny so never for long but still.
Any creative hobbies?
Anything related to your career or a desired career that could give you some mental headspace/ some passion back?
You don't have to love the baby stage. You're doing better than you think.

I wish I could give you a hug. I felt like this a LOT with my first child. Looking back I imagine PND played a role, but it felt very hard to detangle at the time. I messaged a friend recently saying I truly enjoy my son now, and I previously thought I would be 'tolerating' him forever - partly tongue in cheek but partly true.

It gets much, much better.

Once they can talk it's astonishing how much it feels like they've 'crossed over' into your world, and it's truly amazing watching them learn and develop. They become funny, and interesting, proper little personalities. And you can actually do enjoyable stuff together - I know some people actively enjoy baby sensory and all that stuff but I'd 50000 times rather take a toddler to a museum or a playground or even the dreaded soft play.

And - this is crucial - they also give you time out, because they become absorbed in their own play - and that's suuuuuuch a more relaxing form of time out than a baby nap, when you're sleep deprived and stressed out yourself, and always on edge waiting for them to wake up (just me?!)

Hang in there. You're doing brilliantly.

It's ok not to love the baby stage. Some do, some don't. It's also down to the baby. Two of mine have been really hard work, one way pretty easy and one was super chillied. They won't necessarily be hard work in the long run.

It's hard to answer whether you will feel like the old you. To some extent, yes you will but it's it's gradual thing. Children do get easier as they get older (but with the odd bump in the road e.g. back teeth, illness....).

We have a part time nanny. Shes amazing and the children love her. It's totally ok to need a break! I hide in the kitchen and do something from my puzzle book while I have a cuppa. Bliss. That doesnt make me a bad mum, and it doesn't make you one either.

PND is hard and can take a very long time to get over.

It will get better, you will feel like yourself again. Please be honest with people so you continue to get the help you need.

It’s ok to hate the baby stage op and to lose yourself. I hate it. I also had perinatal help and Homestart and it doesn’t solve much. My 6 month old won’t get off me and i feel so touched out. I have a 3 year okd ans it does get better.

I think you're being hard on yourself. Parenting is a long game, with lots of stages, each with their challenges and rewards. The baby stage feels all-encompassing but it's such a small part overall.
What are your plans regarding work? I know you mentioned career but I don't think you've said whether you are on maternity leave from a job?
I'm not in the UK and paid maternity leave is shorter here. Many take unpaid leave but I couldn't afford to and went back full time when mine were 6/7 months old. While it wasn't my choice it really worked out fine.
I notice that, on MN at least, there seems to be an assumption in the UK that women will take a year off. That's great if it works for you but some women might actually be better off going back to work a bit earlier.
Sometimes, I have read threads from women who really seem to be struggling with being at home with a baby but they are feeling so guilty about it and almost punishing themselves by delaying going back to work.
I'm not suggesting that going back to work is the answer to everything but not everyone loves the baby stage or being at home all the time. It doesn't make you a bad mother so please don't beat yourself up about it.

I started to feel more like ‘me’ after the first year.

By 18m I felt normal again.

But then everyone starts asking if you’re going to have a second…

I never can get my figure back till the child turns 2. My third child is nearing 2 now and instead of feeling shit like last time I just accepted my body had had a baby and needed some time. It's starting to shift slowly now and it's not the effort it is if you are trying when you have a younger baby. Especially as you say your still recovering from your labour. I had a c section last time and was told wait 2 years for my body to be over the pregnancy and labour before having another child. So it really dotale two years.

7 months is hard even if the child sleeps and you get help. Yes they are easier in some ways when younger especially before they are mobile and of course we love them regardless but there is something about a toddler who's got a personality which a baby hasn't yet got. It's more rewarding. Interacting with them is full on but it's play and fun not the drudgery of baby care. They cry less. And the longer afternoon nap feels more of a break than more shorter naps with younger kids.

I've done a lot of nannying for babies. I usually have a main role then pick up extra ad hoc work with babies often I'm hired because mum is struggling. My experience with some of these families is that dad isn't doing enough but that's not even noticed by the family it's just mum feeling crap she feels overwhelmed. I'm also thinking of two families who hired me so mum could go out and do things for herself or so parents could go on dates and they seemed to struggle longer and I'd get booked last minute for them much more. One woman I worked for didn't work and was always at the spa or seeing friends etc etc and she was falling apart at home with all the faking she was doing acting happy socially she was just exhausted. I wonder if you are trying to do to much? Even doing fun things for yourself can exhaust you when pouring from empty.

If I was feeling down and had the money for a nanny and had stopped breastfeeding I would get the nanny in pay her for the housework as well as childcare and spend a couple weeks shut in my room binge watching Netflix and eating whatever I wanted, long baths a daily walk and lots of sleep. Recharge my batteries then when I'm ready to emerge I would get a hair cut get my nails done buy a new outfit of two and start slow getting back into the swing of life. This is exactly what one mum i worked for did and I remember thinking she was really ill and needed some serious help then after just a couple weeks she emerged and was clearly in a much better space. She told me she learnt the hard way with her older child took months to get through PND and this time around knew what to do to get through it and it worked. I've always remembered that! And I've told every mum since don't push yourself to get out and have me time or friends time if you would rather veg at home for a couple weeks.

You will be ok op. It will get better I promise

It's totally ok to need a break! I hide in the kitchen and do something from my puzzle book while I have a cuppa. Bliss. That doesnt make me a bad mum, and it doesn't make you one either

This resonates so well with me 🤭 OP 7 months is still really little. About 12 months and it does get better 😊

You can complain guilt free. Having a baby is tough on the body and mind. You’ve done the right thing seeking support for PND. I had it bad with my first DS 5 years ago, I now have my second DS (10 weeks) the days are relentless, long and exhausting. Take care of yourself anyway you can, every small win is still a win. Even if you just make your bed or brush your teeth. The first year or two I found the hardest but the dark fog will lift. Remember to eat, lots of fluids and get some fresh air, even if it’s just standing at the door for a breather. Wishing you well Op. x

Being a parent is hard and for the most part isn't fun at all. All I can recommend is getting back to work and using a nursery, then there is only a few hours of the day you have to deal with the awake times. It doesnt have to be your previous career, really anything will do as long as it fits into nursery opening hours. Weekends get your DH to take over. It improves once they are school age and more independent.

Definitely get robust contraception in place because you don't want to go through all this again.

Don't panic, OP. At the small baby stage, I would regularly find myself googling adoption services at 3 am. I thought I'd made a gigantic, life-altering error in having a child. It gets way better. For me the key moment in thinking 'Everything I'm mourning is still there and I'm getting it back' was when I returned to work. I'd recommend that if your former career isn't revivable (why not?), then you think about retraining, other fields of work that interest you, and what you would like your life to look like. Parenthood isn't all of your life, and shouldn't be, and there are all kinds of new discoveries that have nothing to do with being a mother waiting for you. I only started enjoying motherhood, and feeling it was a manageable project, when I stopped doing it FT (which I don't think suits anyone, ever.)

Here for the handhold OP, and to reiterate what others have said - it gets so much better.

I was bloody miserable during baby phase. There were moments of joy, of course, and I always loved my little boy, sometimes overwhelmingly so.

But I honestly found it both tedious and stressful all at the same time. I found it got progressively easier once my DS was able
to communicate his needs more effectively - so really from about 12 months on, and easier every week. He’s four now and we have the best chats and I genuinely race home from work to spend time with him.

It’s still hard, in different ways, and I still have to lock myself in a dark room daily but the reward is so much greater than in babyhood.

Final thing to say is that it’s so helpful to talk about this feeling and normalise it. So much of what we’re conditioned to say/do is about how brilliant motherhood is and how well we’ve taken to it. Our DS was much wanted and I had an incredibly anxious pregnancy because I wanted him so much. So feeling less than happy all the time feels ungrateful and shameful.

But so many of us feel like this. It’s hard! But it’s also temporary and specific.

Would encourage you to read A Life’s Work by Rachel Cusk - it was the first time that anyone had ever articulated exactly how I felt, and it made me feel normal and supported. You got this

Thank you everyone, seriously. It's so reassuring to know 1. That I'm not alone in finding this but hard (I think it's caught me by surprise - I love babies, it was the toddler bit I was more worried about when I was pregnant) and 2. That there's light at the end of the tunnel. Will keep counting down til 12 months and accept I'm in the trenches. It's been a rubbish week with illness, teething and a lot of solo parenting. All the advice on how to survive this bit is hugely appreciated.

It's interesting how many of you have advised a week in bed with Netflix! I haven't really allowed myself to do this. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to sort things around the house, work, or get back into shape. But some days I wake up and it feels like an endless stretch of boredom and stress (the worst combo) with nothing to look forward to.

Hear you on the baby number two bit! I feel very firmly one and done, and while no one is saying it out loud I can't tell they all think either I'm a bit feeble / it's really sad / I'll change my mind.

@Heirian It's funny you say that, because I'm a writer too! I thought it would be a great job to have while juggling a family, but it's only now I realise how lonely it is. I have no office or team to go back to. I've been in some less than ideal situations before, but I've never known loneliness like this. If I can ask, did you find it took time for your writing to come back? My ideas are all there, but it's like words have left me. I can't imagine being able to string sentences together on a page. I journal, but when I read passages back they're like gobbledegook. Even my speech isn't 100% what it was - I forget words, lose my train of thought, mispronounce things.

Thank you for being so kind and writing back. I feel so much better reading these messages.

(I think DS is one of those babies who hates being a baby! He's desperate to move and so frustrated all the time.)