Overnight stays

[Gracie2020]

Hoping I can seek some advice or help on overnight stays. My 5 year old daughter has started to have overnight stays with her dad every other weekend Friday-Sunday. He has always had her on these days but not overnight due to his previous living situation at his parents house. He also has her every Wednesday 3-6.
Now he has purchased his own house, we have agreed to overnight stays. He also has two other children aged 7 & 9 that stay on the same weekend.

He is now asking for a midweek overnight stay every Wednesday which will include dropping her to school in the morning, however my concern is one this could be disruptive to her routine as he has two other children to take to school also and they go to a different school..potential rushing which she is not used to and he currently does not have a bedroom for her, he suggested he may put her in with the younger child but this hasn’t happened and she seems to be in his bedroom. I have asked him to at least get a bed for her as I do not want to encourage co sleeping at her age and he said he will sort. This still leaves her sharing a room with her dad and I just don’t feel right about it.

Is a midweek stay really necessary and should he sort the sleeping arrangements out first before having her overnight going forward? His other children (two girls) have their own bedrooms each and in the future he is planning on converting the loft into a bedroom to create an extra room but that could be a couple of years away yet.

Any thoughts, help or advice would be much appreciated as I feel like I have no choice in this situation. I would like to add that she seems to be enjoying overnight stays now, it’s all just a huge change and the sleeping situation just isn’t sitting right with me.

xxx

This was me growing up. Except mine was every Thursday so it was Thursday to Sunday every other week. This meant there was less bavk and forward.

Im with you about co sleeping being no. Co sleeping at one house and then not in another might be confusing. She really could do with her own room or at least a bed. Now its fine but as she grows up she doesn't want to be made to feel like a visitor there. Her dad's other children get a room why not her. She will notice a difference.

The cosleepimf, if she's happy, there are plenty of mums who,do,it, and I see no difference. Same with the midweek. I would at least trial it, and see how it goes, it's really a very small thing in theory, and if she isn't tired, I'm sure she appreciates spending more time with her dad and siblings

Let her stay.

she’ll need to share with someone for the time being, whether that’s her dad or a sibling.

what’s wrong with her sharing a room with her dad?

to be honest, you get no say in his living arrangement. Either you trust him to parent her safely and responsibly, or you don’t. If you don’t, you shouldn’t be letting her go and triggering SS etc.

her dad wants to spend time with her. He is her parent too. He should get to spend as much time with her as you do, and he gets as much say as you do.

I think he should be able to see her if possible but also that your concerns about co-sleeping and a rushed school morning are totally valid. I used to be a safeguarding lead in school and in my experience SS are never happy with arrangements where children don’t have their own bed. It’s different if they end up in your bed and fine if their bed is in the adult’s room, but not having a bed at all isn’t fine at five years old, particularly since her sisters do.
She needs a bed in one of their rooms. Perhaps a trundle bed so it doesn’t take up space when she’s not there. It should be in one of their rooms. If he wants to increase the time he spends with her then they all need to adjust and make more permanent arrangements for her, even if that means her siblings have to give up some space. That’s what happens in nuclear families.
As for the morning rush, if you and he are co-parenting well you should be able to work together and find a solution that gets all children to school on time calmly. Maybe breakfast club, or you help out or something else?
Good luck sorting it out.

Agree with all the above posters. Your dd needs her own bed which he needs to sort out first.

Beyond that, try it and see how they get on. See if she is happy. If she is late for school, then review it. Maybe the practice will help her get ready a little faster in the mornings.

She is entitled to spend time with her dad.

If she stays at the weekend with no bed I’m not sure it can be used as a reason not to stay an additional night?

he sounds like he’s trying to make this work. I think I’d be supportive of this.

Thank you so much for all your posts, they have been really helpful and supportive.

Will go forward with the midweek stay but ensure he has a bed set up for her either in his room or her sisters room. Will also make her school aware about the change in midweek so they can speak to me about any changes in behaviour etc.

Thank you again 😊 xxx

A simple option would be for her to do a different mid week overnight to her half sisters? That way she would also get some 1-1 time with her dad but it also makes the bed issue easier as she can sleep in their room and the rushing in the morning

@spriots This could be a great option and will have a conversation with him to see how he feels about it, thank you ☺️ I think he likes the thought of them all being together as a family but will definitely suggest it x

I wouldn't feel comfortable about mid week disruption either. Why don't you trial it every other week for the summer term or summer holidays and see how it goes? It's be nice for you to have an evening off to exercise have a long bath or go on a date and fun for her to see her big siblings. If she comes back too tired on Thursdays then don't do it again in September. Make him agree in writing that it's just a trial so it's not seen as you reducing his time with her if you think it needs to stop.

This is a good idea especially the first few times she stays so the can both get used to it. If it all goes well then she can move the night to be with her siblings