Mother is in controlling relationship

[sushiandaroll]

My mother is in her sixties and been married for 40 odd years to my father. He is, in my eyes, a suspected highly functioning autistic man, who is controlling with a short temper. I’ve never got on with him. I’m now 34 with a young child, and my mother can’t do anything for herself or me or my toddler. She’s convinced herself she’s can’t really drive now, she can’t put my child in a car seat (she says she can’t work out the seatbelt), she said the other month she couldn’t do Tesco without my dad (she managed for years when my dad worked). He does all the meals now and I’ve noticed he allocates her an amount of food on a plate.
I’ve asked her if she wants to come to a local event this weekend ( my husband is away with the car) . She won’t go unless my dad comes (she looks actually scared to ask him if she can go). Help. Do I just accept I can’t have any relationship with her anymore? I’ve tried talking to her about it over many many occasions and she simply will not accept what he’s like.

Is she happy with the situation as it is? Or does she want to drive and do things with you without your father? My DM doesn't drive anymore, doesn't go anywhere without him and is content to cook, clean and stay at home with my DF. She has always been like this (in fact she's very risk averse, a bit lazy and happy with her small world). She would never come out without my DF.
If she's always been content to do everything with your DF, I say leave her to it. But if she's been an independent woman before and you see a change I too would be concerned. Can you pick her up and take her for coffee? Find a joint interest hobby that you two could share?

what was your childhood like?
did she ever advocate for you against your father?

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult situation with your mother. It sounds like her dependence on your father and his controlling behavior are making it hard for her to engage with you and your child. It's heartbreaking when someone you love seems unable to break free from such a dynamic, especially when it affects your relationship and the well-being of your family.
It might be helpful to seek support and advice from professionals who specialize in these types of family dynamics. Counseling or therapy could provide you with strategies to manage the relationship and offer your mother support without causing more distress. Sometimes, external perspectives can help find new ways to approach the situation.
In the meantime, you could look for opportunities to spend time with your mother in ways that are less likely to trigger anxiety for her. Perhaps starting with smaller, more manageable outings could help build her confidence gradually.
You might also find some helpful advice in articles about maintaining healthy relationships with family members. This article on relationship tips for mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law might offer some useful insights: simplerishta.com/relationship-tips-for-mothers-in-law-and-daughters-in-law/.
Remember, you're not alone in this. Seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselors can provide you with the strength and perspective you need to navigate this challenging situation.

Is she happy? there is a difference in you not accepting her choices and it is different to how you would live and there being an actual problem

I would sit her down and have a conversation and express your concerns and ask if there is anything you can do to help, because you want her to be able to have an independent relationship with you and with her grandchild.

Unfortunately, I think the reality is though that someone who has enabled their world to become so small and absorbed around another person is sadly unlikely to change. My mum has been with her partner only for about 20 years. There are complicated reasons why we will not have a relationship with him and why he is not allowed around my children (it's the same for his own children and grandchildren, they're all NC for safeguarding reasons). When given the option to have a different life without him or at least without his influence over so much of her life, which has led her to lose all her family and most of her friends, she still chose him. I think it's very hard for people to see that there could be another life for them out there without all the drama when it's the only thing they've known for so long.

That said, you don't have to stand by and put up with it. I decided it wasn't the sort of life and relationships I wanted modelled for my children (and ultimately, my mum wasn't a safe person to have around my children due to how much denial she is experiencing about the risks he poses). I couldn't make her see the light, but what I could control was how much I allowed it to effect me and my children. We are NC now. It's sad, but it's so much less sad than the years of drama and hysterics and manipulation we dealt with before we went NC. And I know my dc will be safe.