My 16 year old son punches 18 year old sister, should he father do more say this is not ok.

[109215w]

My 16 year old son frequently punches his 18 year old sister, just in the arms, in a supposedly playful manner, but he is bigger than her, it hurts her and he seems to think it's fun, acceptable behaviour. She will sometimes push or hit him when he is mean to her, it has to be said, which I strongly object to, and this is not happening very often. However, most of the time it is my son who is being physical. He is not like this with anyone else, and is well behaved at school etc. Also, he is very critical of her a lot of the time, calling her annoying or stupid etc, and barely being able to stand her speaking or being around him, especially if he is playing on the play station. Still, he is happy to get her help with questions concerning his GCSE revision, and has plenty time for her then. And just recently, since talking to her in this regard has improved somewhat in the general respect he shows her, because before that it was pretty much non- existent to the point that she thought she could never be friends with him when they are all grown up.
I feel he should not be hitting her, as he is bigger and stronger. And aside from the fact he should not be hitting anyone, I think he especially should not be hitting a girl, even his sister. I tell him this, and get upset at his behaviour, but he doesn't stop, and finds me annoying. I think his father, as a male role model, should be the one to make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable, but I'm not sure he does this enough, he definitely does not object to it as strongly as I do. Also, he hasn't managed to make it stop, and he makes excuses, like he's just playing, it's what boys, but why should he feel entitled to hurt is his sister in this way, albeit in a playful manner. My son has more respect for his dad than he does for me, and as his father, he is a strong male role model, so shouldn't it be his job to tell his son it is not ok to hit girls.

Absolutely he should step in, a) to make your son understand how to be a decent human being and b) so that your daughter doesn't dislike your son in adulthood and become angry at you and your DH for not preventing her from being abused.

So your son only has respect for the one man in the house? Yes I think your DH should be doing more. However does your sons attitude perhaps come from your DH?

It was both of your jobs to tell both of your children that hitting/punching/physical violence is unacceptable. You needed to do it consistently from a young age.

Of course it's not ok. The men in your family have no respect for women, do they. Is your DH always dismissive of your opinions and your needs?

Oh for gods sake!
Yes their father should put a stop to it, but he’s clearly not so you need to.
He’s bullying his sister and physically attacking her and you’re doing nothing??
You have the ability to stop this, yet you allow it to happen and try to get their dad to sort it.
no, you stop it, I’d sit son down, very clearly explain that what he’s doing is in fact abusive behaviour and next time he does it you and daughter will report him, remove PlayStation / phone / privileges and that’ll just get worse the more he kicks off.
Obviously husband needs to back you and pre agree this, but don’t allow your daughter to be physically abused in her own home.
My ‘d’ brother put me in hospital growing up, and never had any sanctions, he’s now an awful abusive man because he was allowed this behaviour as a child and teen.
you’re setting your son up to be another abusive man.

Both of you should step in and he should be taught to respect you too

As the sibling who was physically hurt by a younger sibling I will never forgive my mum for never protecting me from my sister and prioritise her needs over mine. Violence is never acceptable and it needs to be nipped in the bud quickly. Violence in any relationship is absolutely wrong and everyone involved should be on this page and appropriate consequences put into places. It won't be long before he is an adult and in grown up relationships, do you want him to think it's appropriate to hit girl/boyfriends? House mates at university?

Take his play station away every time he does this. You’ve told him to stop and taking his play station for 24 hours is the consequence. Prewarn him before doing this so he knows what to expect. Lock it in your car or whatever. Call the police if the hitting is serious and isn’t playful.

This was my brother but I was the younger sister.

Now he has children of his own he comes down SO hard on his son doing the exact same thing.

no, you stop it, I’d sit son down, very clearly explain that what he’s doing is in fact abusive behaviour and next time he does it you and daughter will report him, remove PlayStation / phone / privileges and that’ll just get worse the more he kicks off.

He's not five years old.

Sit the son down. Explain very clearly that his actions constitute assault, and that you will report him to the police.
He will do it again. And you must contact the police.
He hits his sister. He has been told but won't stop. He will hit you when he's ready, and thereafter any woman he wants to shut up, or to have power over.
You might need to leave your husband to give yourself and your daughter as safe place to live.
The son is violent and the father supports him.

Perhaps you should also be telling your daughter that she shouldn't be hitting him too?

I do get that your issue is he is bigger and stronger so may hurt her but why is this minimised by you?

What does she actually say when he does it? Or is she accepting it is part of their ribbing each other especially as you say she sometimes hits him or pushes him.

I think it should be same rules for both and that you should just step in and say teasing fine but any physical interaction is not. And whilst your DH should be brought to being on the same page I don't understand why you can't enforce the ban anyway. It is as much your job to sort as your DH's.

If your husband is unable to do this then you need to fill the void and make it very clear to your son that this is not acceptable. If I were in your position I would also be making it clear to my daughter that she should not be helping him in any way while this is happening

Are you and your daughter afraid of the men in your home?

If my son was hitting or bullying his sister I’d be telling him it stops now or he needs to find somewhere else to live, he is an adult and should not be raising his hands to anyone else!

This is what is so wrong with our society in how we view men and let them get away with this kind of behaviour. Too many Mums make excuses for this kind of behaviour when it comes to their sons.

Clearly your husband is no role model and your son has had the message from young, from both of you, that it’s ok to treat females like this. I’m not saying its been conscious, but clearly he has never been told or has there been a discussion that hitting isn’t acceptable and is abusive.

Yes, his father should absolutely be doing more.

Except that in this case it's the dad. Must violence is down to the men.

This is domestic violence/abuse and your sister is a victim. It isn't siblings bickering/rivalry. They aren't young kids and evenly matched physically. It isn't play fighting. He's purposely abusing your daughter and it has to stop. Aside from the physical hurt she'd enduring, it will damage her psychologically and potentially make her a target for abusive men in adult relationships. Your son also shows signs of being one of those men in his future relationships.

Should say your daughter not sister.

Thanks for the comments. It is a tricky thing. I'm basically talking about play fighting, but I still object, and my daughter is not consenting to it. My son is not trying to injure his sister, he could hurt her by accident though. But he's never going to physically assault her in the serious way people have mentioned here, though he is still out of order. I have always told both children not to hit etc, and obviously I intervene. Also I didn't smack them as children, though their father very occasionally did. My daughter is only ever doing anything to fend her brother off, from hitting her or basically being in her face physically, even if he's not hitting her.They are constantly told it is unacceptable, and no doubt they will grow out of it. I just think where my son is punching his sister, even if messing around, it still hurts (though isn't physically harming her ) and he needs to stop, and he shouldn't be buzzing around her so much that she's defending herself physically, and clearly she shouldn't be responding like this where possible. He's got to at some point realise he shouldn't hit anyone, and especially not a girl. I think their dad could object to it more, but he doesn't, and just thinks I'm overreacting. However, I talk to them and they will stop, and ultimately they'll see that their father was too passive on this.

He sounds like he's intimidating her.

I would step back and not thing of this as sibling on sibling. If your son had a friend or girl/boyfriend around and he acted like he does with your daughter what would you say to him?
If your daughter has a girl/boyfriend or friend that acted like your son does with her what would you advice?